Banjo

(:START FEED) (ZORAK CROSSES THE SET IN THE DARK) MOLTAR: Halt! (ALARMS GO OFF, SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON ZORAK) ZORAK: Aah! MOLTAR: Who goes there? ZORAK: I, Zorak! MOLTAR: (TURNS OFF ALARM) Sorry, man. Sorry. (NOTE: SUBTITLES WHICH CORRESPOND TO THE SPOKEN LINES ARE SHOWN IN BRACKETS) ZORAK: Moltar, look, I am green with evil. [Moltar, I love you.] MOLTAR: (WATCHING "BANANA SPLITS" ON MONITOR) Huh? [I love you too, Zorak.] ZORAK: I said, did your mail order come in yet? [We should get married.] MOLTAR: Yeah. [Papa would never allow it.] ZORAK: What'd you get? [But we're in love... why not?] MOLTAR: Soap. [You know why.] ZORAK: Hmm. What kind? [It's because I'm an insect, isn't it?] MOLTAR: (HOLDING UP BAR) Lava. [Papa says...] It's got pumice. [... insects are bad folk.] ZORAK: Yeah. [I don't play fiddle.] MOLTAR: That your new book? [I know, Honey, that's why I love you so.] ZORAK: What? [What?] MOLTAR: Is that your new book? [I said, I love you so.] ZORAK: Shut up, I'm reading my new book. [- Woe is me, for we cannot marry.] MOLTAR: Sorry. [- I am ashamed.] ZORAK: Huh? [- Do not be.] MOLTAR: I said, you can't read. [Let us elope in the night.] ZORAK: Yeah, yeah. [Yes!!] Where's the Ghost? [You would do that for me?] MOLTAR: In the back, with his new Sea Monkey Kit. [No! Are you kidding! I will never marry the likes of mantis! You are a filthy beast! Get ye gone!] (IN A LABORATORY AREA; SIGN OUTSIDE ROOM READS "DO NOT ENTER / EXPERIMENT UNDERWAY". SPACE GHOST IS READING DIRECTIONS) SPACE GHOST: "Now you've created an adorable home for your Sea Monkeys... open the pouch labeled 'Sea Monkey Pellets' (RIP!) and pour into the bowl. (POURING SOUND) In just minutes your little Sea Monkeys will flourish with life!" ZORAK: (ON THE CONTROL ROOM MONITOR) Lombaaki creo plomo pleaw zonaa aa-aa. (HIS EYES FLASH, SHOW SPIRALS, ETC., WHENEVER HE SAYS THIS) MOLTAR: What is that? ZORAK: It's a spell from my new book, "The Joy of Incantations". Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. MOLTAR: What's it do? ZORAK: It gives me power over Space Ghost's mind. Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. MOLTAR: It's a small spell. ZORAK: He's got a small brain. Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee... SPACE GHOST: (STILL IN LABORATORY) "Soon you will be able to observe your Sea Monkeys as they make families, have dinner, purchase fine autos and perform other daily life activities all within the domain of the Sea Monkey bowl..." Wow! MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Time to get Space Ghost. Think I'll use my NASA voice. "Ten seconds to air, return to the set... T minus 10 seconds and counting... 10... 9... 7... 6... 9..." SPACE GHOST: I have to go, Sea Monkeys. Here, have one of my special super vitamins. (SPLASH! FIZZING SOUND) (INVISOS TO SET) SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! Joining me on this show, rap artist Schooly D and funny man Weird Al Yankovic! Say hi to the band, they're right over there. (POINTS) (ZORAK'S EYES SPIN WITH EVIL HYPNOSIS) SPACE GHOST: Zorak, what's wrong with your eyes? ZORAK: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. SPACE GHOST: Ohhh! I see what you're doing. No no no, if you want to control my mind your eyes need to spin counter-clockwise! (HE SAYS A SHORT INCANTATION; ZORAK'S EYES IMMEDIATELY SPIN THE OTHER DIRECTION) ZORAK: Oh! (CALYPSO MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona ah-ah. SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS TO DESK) All righty! My first guest is Schooly D! (MONITOR LOWERS) SCHOOLY D: I kinda figured that out. SPACE GHOST: Hi Schooly, how are ya? SCHOOLY D: What's up man? I'm all right, I'm all right. How you doin? SPACE GHOST: Fine fine fine. Say, where'd you get the ball cap, son? SCHOOLY D: Uh, I got it from the planet Zurf. SPACE GHOST: You don't say! Citizen Schooly. ZORAK: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona... SPACE GHOST: (READS WITH DIFFICULTY) Original Gangster in the house... ZORAK: ... ah-ah. SPACE GHOST: (MAKES GIBBERING SOUNDS, EYES GLOW, AS HE FALLS UNDER ZORAK'S POWER) ZORAK: Say something stupid. SPACE GHOST: You wanna watch me swallow a live mollusk? SCHOOLY D: No. SPACE GHOST: I mean, tell me about your slacks. SCHOOLY D: (LAUGHS) These are baggy jeans, you buy them three sizes bigger so they can hang off your butt. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once, it didn't scare me. SCHOOLY D: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Schooly... Schooly... SCHOOLY D: Yeah, man? SPACE GHOST: Are you interested in frollicking in a leafy glade? SCHOOLY D: Well, you know, even if I was, I couldn't... SPACE GHOST: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING FOR NO REASON) My mantis is dashing in a tux! Will you please pass me one of those wall decorations? My, they look lovely. (MAKES GIBBERING SOUNDS AGAIN) SCHOOLY D: (LAUGHS) ZORAK: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona... no!!! (SPACE GHOST BLASTS ZORAK WITH HIS POWER BANDS) SPACE GHOST: (SNIFF SNIFF) Smells like chicken in here. ZORAK: Eh... eww... SPACE GHOST: Do you have any super powers? SCHOOLY D: Yeah, of course I got super powers because I'm Schooly D. SPACE GHOST: Display them! SCHOOLY D: I can't do that. SPACE GHOST: Why not? SCHOOLY D: I'm just not allowed to do it. SPACE GHOST: So you mean you don't have any. SCHOOLY D: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: So the D stands for "Defenseless." SCHOOLY D: Nah. SPACE GHOST: So what does the D stand for, Mr. Rapper? SCHOOLY D: It might mean Dynamite. SPACE GHOST: Or it might mean something pretty, like Dandelion. SCHOOLY D: The D stands for, somethin' different every day. SPACE GHOST: D is for Different, and Delightful (I'M SURE GETTING SOME SISSY COPY, AREN'T I?) Sing something delightful, you know, with flowers and stuff. SCHOOLY D: Every time I sing something about flowers I lose some of my powers. SPACE GHOST: You don't have any powers. You need me in your posy. ZORAK: Posse! SPACE GHOST: Like I said, posse! SCHOOLY D: Uh, I can't do that. SPACE GHOST: Well then, give me a rap name. SCHOOLY D: DJ Space G. SPACE GHOST: Fly! SCHOOLY D: (BUZZING SOUND) Yeah well, you know... SPACE GHOST: (SMACK! SQUASHES THE FLY ON HIS DESK) Dead fly. SCHOOLY D: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: (MY SEA MONKEYS!) Uh, just a minute, Schooly. (FLIES OFF TO LABORATORY) SCHOOLY D: All right. It's cool. SPACE GHOST: (IN LABORATORY) Sea monkeys? Sea monkeys? Wait! there's one, yes! It's moving! (NEWBORN BABY SOUNDS) Hello little one. I shall name you Banjo. You are mighty small, little Banjo, and your flippers are tired, but one day you will become (REVERB EFFECT) Banjo: King of the Sea Monkeys! MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Schooly. SCHOOLY D: Yeah. MOLTAR: Space Ghost is tending his brine shrimp. Can you wait? SCHOOLY D: No. That don't get it. I'm sorry, no. MOLTAR: Well, can we break your legs? ZORAK: Break 'em! Break 'em! SCHOOLY D: (LAUGHS) This is crazy. MOLTAR: It'll only hurt once. SPACE GHOST: (FLIES BACK TO DESK) Oh-kay! Schooly, you're the man. SCHOOLY D: Nah, you da man. SPACE GHOST: No, you're the man. SCHOOLY D: You da man. SPACE GHOST: No, you're the man. SCHOOLY D: You da man. SPACE GHOST: You are the man. ZORAK: I am the man. SPACE GHOST: No, you're the mantis! Schooly's the man! SCHOOLY D: You are the man. You're Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: You're the man Schooly, live with it. SCHOOLY D: Okay. SPACE GHOST: We're out of time. Leave us with words to live by. SCHOOLY D: (VIOLIN MUSIC IN BACKGROUND) No matter how hard it seems, uh, you gotta keep going and you gotta keep trying. Because as soon as you give up, the game is over with. (MUSIC ENDS) SPACE GHOST: (STARES) ZORAK: (STARES) MOLTAR: (STARES) SCHOOLY D: What are y'all lookin at? MOLTAR: Your hat. SCHOOLY D: You're lookin at me like I was crazy. ZORAK: Your hat's on backwards. SPACE GHOST: Sure is. ZORAK: We shall return... with a vengeance! :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED ZORAK: Ready or not, here we come! SPACE GHOST: (IN LABORATORY) Okay... I'm all alone... Banjo? Oh, Banjo! My, how you've grown! (SINGING "FLIPPER") I'm Banjo! Banjo! Faster than light-ning! (CRUNCH!) Ow! You could have taken my hand off! Bad Banjo! I'm not cleaning that up! (INVISOS BACK TO DESK) SPACE GHOST: My next guest is Weird Al Yankovic, here he comes now! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Hi, people of the universe! Hi! Look at me, I'm on TV! Whoooooooo! Whoooooooo! (LAUGHS) SPACE GHOST: (IMITATES) Whoooooooo! Whooooooooo! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Ahh! Ahhhaa! SPACE GHOST: Whoooooooo! Welcome to the show, Weird Al. Whoooooooo! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Thank you! I, I, uh, I can't tell you what a intense thrill it is to be on your show, I... SPACE GHOST: Sure you could! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. ZORAK: Tell him now! Tell him! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Hey Zorak, you... ZORAK: Shut up! SPACE GHOST: Oooooh. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: (FRUSTRATED) I don't know how! SPACE GHOST: Hey Al, tell us about your new record. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Oh please, Space Ghost, um, I, I came on your show because I'm a, I'm a big fan, not to plug my latest album... SPACE GHOST: Wrong! Next question! Super powers, got any? WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Well, um, I can eat my own weight in Ding Dongs. I can turn red traffic lights green just by staring at them, and I can do an oil painting with my butt. SPACE GHOST: That's enough to get you on this show. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Yeah, times are a little hard, I guess. SPACE GHOST: So, what'd you think of Schooly? WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: He's, he's a party animal, he's, he's, he's a nut, he's completely out of control, he's, he's a party in a can, he's a wacky, zany, nutty funster. SPACE GHOST: Zorak's wacky. Ain't he? WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Sure, um. Hey, Zorak, you evil locust! ZORAK: Mantis! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: My powers are beyond your comprehension. ZORAK: (EYES SPINNING) Do a B flat. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Baaaaaaaaa! (DOES A REALLY HIGH B FLAT). SPACE GHOST: (JOINS IN, SLIGHTLY OFF KEY, TRYING SEVERAL TIMES) Baaaaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaaaa! ZORAK: Now, contort your body. WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Okay. (CONTORTS HIS BODY) SPACE GHOST: Baaaaaaaa... what does that feel like? WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Well, it's kinda painful and it kinda feels good at the same time. SPACE GHOST: You mean like when your enemy is shaving your back and... MOLTAR: (SHIVERING) Oh-h-h-h-h-h! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: (STILL CONTORTED) Can you help me here, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: What? WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Can you help me? SPACE GHOST: Oh, yeah, yeah. (SAYS "SPELL" AGAIN; AL UN-CONTORTS) You know, that reminds me of a story... a story about a little pellet who, with a little grit and a lot of sheer will, became a Sea Monkey... WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Also he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) And you know, Al, that little Sea Monkey is named Banjo. ZORAK: Here, Banjo! (BANJO APPEARS ON THE SET, HE IS MONSTROUS) SPACE GHOST: Banjo! ZORAK: Here, shrimp. SPACE GHOST: Aren't you plucky! Finding your way to the set... (BANJO SHOOTS A RAY OUT OF HIS MOUTH AT ZORAK) ZORAK: Uh oh. (GETS BLASTED) SPACE GHOST: Jumpin' jujubes! MOLTAR: Man, that's a big shrimp! WEIRD AL YANKOVIC: Gotta go now! (WAVES, DUCKS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND LEAVES) SPACE GHOST: No, Banjo! Why are you doing this? I gave you life! ZORAK: No!! (GETS BLASTED AGAIN BY BANJO) SPACE GHOST: What have I unleashed! (IN A LOW VOICE) That's it boy. Come get some. (SPACE GHOST FIRES A DESTRUCTO-RAY AND BLOWS UP BANJO. THE SMOKE CLEARS, SPACE GHOST LANDS ON THE FLOOR; A PIECE OF BANJO FALLS NEARBY) SPACE GHOST: Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why Banjo? Why?! Banjo! Banjo! Banjooooo! (BLACK SCREEN WITH THE FOLLOWING WORDS:) IN MEMORY OF Banjo September 23rd 11:00 pm - 11:15 pm