Self Help

(:WAITING) MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Hi, I'm Moltar. JOYCE BROTHERS: Uh huh. MOLTAR: I have an addiction to... fire. JOYCE BROTHERS: Playing with fire can really be harmful to you, to me, to your studio, to everything that you hold dear. MOLTAR: Hmmmm, give us a kiss. JOYCE BROTHERS: All right. (CLOSES HER EYES) MOLTAR: (LEANS FORWARD, HITS THE SCREEN WITH HIS HELMET, BREAKING IT) JOYCE BROTHERS: (LAUGHS) MOLTAR: Huh? (OPENING THEME MUSIC & TITLES) SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Hola! I am Space Ghost. On this show I've gathered a panel of therapists to help Zorak. (LOWERS VOICE) He's evil. ZORAK: I am not! SPACE GHOST: Yes you are! ZORAK: I am not! SPACE GHOST: Yes you are! ZORAK: (PAUSE) Yes, I am! (EVIL LAUGH) SPACE GHOST: See? (WAY OUTS PLAY SPACE GHOST TO THE DESK) SPACE GHOST: (INVISOS IN) Hola! (LAUGHS) Alrighty! My first guest is Dr. Joyce Brothers. You may have seen her on such shows as "Merv Griffin," "Mike Douglas," "Parker Lewis Can't Lose," "Tic Tac Dough," "Mr. Belvedere," "The X-Men," "The X-Files," "ALF," "The Tonight Show," and "True Stories of the Highway Patrol." ZORAK: (SIGHS) Page two. "Baywatch," "The $5 Pyramid," "The $20 Pyramid," "The $100 Pyramid,"... SPACE GHOST: Welcome her! (SCREEN LOWERS) ZORAK: ... "Joker's Wild," "Weekend at Bernie's," "The Four Hundred Blows,"... SPACE GHOST: Welcome to the show, Dr. Brothers. JOYCE BROTHERS: Well, I... ZORAK: ... "Flubber," "Clockwork Orange," "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang," "The Man from Snowy River,"... JOYCE BROTHERS: That's wild! (LAUGHS) ZORAK: Why are you here? (CONTINUES TO TALK IN BACKGROUND) SPACE GHOST: Yeah, why are you here? JOYCE BROTHERS: Because people need so much help. SPACE GHOST: Correct! So, what's new, Dr. Brothers? JOYCE BROTHERS: Everything. Uh, I have a new book, called "Positive Plus, The Practical Plan for Liking Yourself Better", and I know, Space Ghost, there's no way you could like yourself better than you do. SPACE GHOST: Not even for money. Hey, isn't Zorak handsome and nice? JOYCE BROTHERS: No he's not. ZORAK: Yeah! No I'm not! SPACE GHOST: (IN LOW VOICE) Dr. Brothers, can you work with me here? JOYCE BROTHERS: Okay! ZORAK: Paul Harvey... SPACE GHOST: I'm trying to mend his evil ways. ZORAK: ... Paul Harvey... Paul Harvey! SPACE GHOST: What about him? ZORAK: Eh, he's good, don't you think? SPACE GHOST: Do you have any aspirin, doc? JOYCE BROTHERS: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. ZORAK: Hello America, page two, and that man was Walt Disney, and that's the rest of, the story. (KEEPS TALKING IN BACKGROUND) SPACE GHOST: (IN LOW VOICE) I said, I'm rehabilitating Zorak, he's really quite evil. Can you help me? JOYCE BROTHERS: If he's an evil locust, then he's only evil every seven years, so, just enjoy him between the seven years. ZORAK: But, but, I'm a mantis. SPACE GHOST: He's right. ZORAK: We're mean all the time! SPACE GHOST: Can you shut him up? JOYCE BROTHERS: No, but I can help them understand their minds, and that's what I'm trying to do with you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Me? I'm fine! He's got the problem! JOYCE BROTHERS: Well, I'm not so sure you're okay, but the idea... SPACE GHOST: Of course I'm okay, I'm Space Ghost! JOYCE BROTHERS: The idea is that people validate one another, ... SPACE GHOST: Psychobabble. (JOYCE STOPS TALKING) Look, lady, I called you in to help Zorak, not me! You think I have the problem? JOYCE BROTHERS: Well, that is a great possibility. SPACE GHOST: (PAUSE) How long have you hated men? MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Rich... Rich! RICH HALL: Yeah. MOLTAR: You're up in two minutes. RICH HALL: Mmm hmm. MOLTAR: Time enough for a kiss! JOYCE BROTHERS: (IN STUDIO) And, your mask makes it really very difficult for people to divine your motivation. SPACE GHOST: (CRASSLY) Do tell! JOYCE BROTHERS: Your motivation, for all we know, may not be as open as your publicity allows us to think. SPACE GHOST: You get paid for this? JOYCE BROTHERS: Yes, uh, you know, have you ever seen an ink blot? SPACE GHOST: Once, in Dothan, Alabama. JOYCE BROTHERS: I think they're fun to watch... ZORAK: Excuse me... JOYCE BROTHERS: ...but I don't think they're psychic at all. I think some people... ZORAK: Excuse me... JOYCE BROTHERS: ...are willing to look at all the information... ZORAK: Excuse me... over here... SPACE GHOST: What! ZORAK: Eh, where's Dothan? SPACE GHOST: On the way to Panama City! ZORAK: Oh. Okay, thanks. SPACE GHOST: I'm sorry, so what about these ink stains you were blathering about? JOYCE BROTHERS: Well, you know, you project all your emotions onto that ink blot... ZORAK: Excuse me... JOYCE BROTHERS: ...then therapist could read... ZORAK: Um, excuse me... JOYCE BROTHERS: ...how you really feel. SPACE GHOST: (TO ZORAK) What! ZORAK: Is that in Florida? SPACE GHOST: Yes! ZORAK: The panhandle? SPACE GHOST: Yes! ZORAK: Okay, thanks. JOYCE BROTHERS: You know, we really are trained in every culture to look at people... ZORAK: Uh, Space Ghost... SPACE GHOST: WHAT! ZORAK: Paul Harvey. SPACE GHOST: (GRRRRR) JOYCE BROTHERS: So if you ask a little child who hasn't had... SPACE GHOST: You're... not gonna charge me for this, are you? JOYCE BROTHERS: Well, umm, actually, it would, I would send you a double bill because you have a split personality. SPACE GHOST: Ohhhh! So now I'm a schizo? JOYCE BROTHERS: (PAUSE) It's very possible, um, you would know better than anyone else. SPACE GHOST: (CHUCKLES) That's preposterous. I am not, nor have I ever been, a schizophrenic. (BRITISH VOICE) That's not true. (REGULAR VOICE) You be quiet. (BRITISH VOICE) Who's the lady? (REGULAR VOICE) Shut up! (BRITISH VOICE) Aren't you gonna introduce me? JOYCE BROTHERS: (LAUGHS) ZORAK: Moltar, call the police. SPACE GHOST: I heard that! (BRITISH VOICE) No, you didn't! (:INTERRUPT FEED) (:START FEED) SPACE GHOST: (LAUGHS) Alrighty! We're back! (PAUSE) Hey Zorak, that Dr. Brothers sure was a nut! ZORAK: I thought she was incredibly informative and had many inciteful observations about your behavior. SPACE GHOST: What!? Oh, I see. You think I'm crazy, don't you? ZORAK: Er... SPACE GHOST: Go ahead Zorak, say it. ZORAK: Well, um, heh... SPACE GHOST: Say it! ZORAK: Moltar? MOLTAR: (IN CONTROL ROOM) You're up, Rich. RICH HALL: Okay. MOLTAR: Last chance for a kiss. RICH HALL: That's enough, really, let's, uh, let's, let's draw the line there. MOLTAR: Your loss. RICH HALL: Thank you. (MOLTAR PULLS THE LEVER, SENDING RICH TO THE STUDIO) SPACE GHOST: (AT DESK) Say it! RICH HALL: Hiya Space, how's it goin'? SPACE GHOST: (IN CLINT EASTWOOD VOICE) Buckle up for safety. RICH HALL: Alright. SPACE GHOST: Tell us about your book. RICH HALL: Uh, it's a hundred and twenty eight pages of, uh, of all the major dysfunctions on our planet... SPACE GHOST: Say it! ZORAK: Eh... RICH HALL: ... uh, I'm trying to kinda, you know, put the fun back into dysfunction. ZORAK: (PAUSE) Heh heh. SPACE GHOST: Oh, I get it! Fun into dysfunction! RICH HALL: A sense of humor's very important, Space Ghost, and I can see that you're desperately trying to develop one, and that's good. SPACE GHOST: Hey, thanks! RICH HALL: And, and you look very, very stylish in your cape, by the way. SPACE GHOST: What's that supposed to mean? RICH HALL: Oh, no, I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. No, really, I mean, I'm just sayin' that from uh, one guy to another, you know. SPACE GHOST: No, I don't know. RICH HALL: Well, Space Ghost, you have to become a little more comfortable with your sexuality, and a little more confident in it, you know. I'm just giving you a compliment, it's not like I'm comin' on to you or anything, you know. SPACE GHOST: (STARES SILENTLY) RICH HALL: I mean, you're a superhero, I think you need some superhero confidence, in your, uh, sexuality. SPACE GHOST: (CRASSLY) Oh, really, anything else? RICH HALL: You need to, uh, you need to watch some more TV. SPACE GHOST: More TV, you don't say? Any certain way I should watch TV? RICH HALL: Oh, Space Ghost, ah... SPACE GHOST: Would you like to wear the cape, Rich? RICH HALL: Uh... SPACE GHOST: (LONG PAUSE) Rich. RICH HALL: Yeah? SPACE GHOST: Do a sniglet. RICH HALL: No, I don't do sniglets anymore, uh, they're dead. Put 'em in the garage. SPACE GHOST: Make up a sniglet for Zorak. RICH HALL: (ANNOYED) I'm gonna let you enjoy your little self referential moment of merth there, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: How about, Mantis Do Gooder. Is that a swell sniglet or what, Rich? RICH HALL: (MORE ANNOYED) Are there prizes for these questions? SPACE GHOST: This isn't a game show, Mr. Hall RICH HALL: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. SPACE GHOST: That's better. ZORAK: Bite me! (PAUSE) Oh, I'm sorry. SPACE GHOST: Thank you. Rich, tell us about your super powers. RICH HALL: Uh, I have none, and I'm totally defenseless at this point to whatever, uh, assault Earth decides to commit against me, uh, I'm just a victim. SPACE GHOST: A victim of your own self pity. RICH HALL: No, I just feel like, uh, I know my place on the planet and it's, it's very tiny, I think that... SPACE GHOST: That's sad. RICH HALL: (TSK) Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Do a sniglet. RICH HALL: No. SPACE GHOST: Okay. Why won't women talk to me? RICH HALL: Well, the first thing that you need to do, is, uh, go all out and lie. SPACE GHOST: Lie? RICH HALL: Use your imagination, just tell women what they want to hear, you know, you can always cover your tracks later. SPACE GHOST: But Rich, I always tell the truth. RICH HALL: That's not what women want to hear. They wanna hear you drummed for Pearl Jam. Yeah. SPACE GHOST: That's not a sniglet, Hall. RICH HALL: Um... SPACE GHOST: Go get me some breakfast! RICH HALL: I'm sorry? SPACE GHOST: (ZAPS RICH OFF SCREEN) Now, let's see, what's next? (looking at his hand) Hey, look at my hand! (COVERING & UNCOVERING HIS FACE) Open, close, open, close, open ... ZORAK: Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Huh? ZORAK: You have another guest. SPACE GHOST: Zorak... I don't feel well, you do it. ZORAK: Me? Honest? SPACE GHOST: Open, close, open ... ANKA RADAKOVICH: (IN CONTROL ROOM) Pyro-, Pyromaniacs? MOLTAR: Yeah! ANKA RADAKOVICH: They're hot. MOLTAR: Would you kiss one? ANKA RADAKOVICH: Oh yeah, (SMOOCH SMOOCH) can I give you a kiss? (PUCKERS) MOLTAR: (BLISSFULLY) Oooooh!!! ANKA RADAKOVICH: Bye bye. (WAVES) Say bye bye! MOLTAR: Bye bye. (THROWS LEVER) I love you. ANKA RADAKOVICH: (LAUGHS) Whoooooo! Alright! ZORAK: Umm... er... uh... you are a human. ANKA RADAKOVICH: Yeah. ZORAK: You are a female human. ANKA RADAKOVICH: Yeah. ZORAK: You are a pretty female human. ANKA RADAKOVICH: Mm Hmmm. ZORAK: Mm Hmmm, pretty pretty female human. SPACE GHOST: Anka, I'm the drummer for Pearl Jam! ANKA RADAKOVICH: Well, I just wrote a book. SPACE GHOST: Well, I drum for a band. ANKA RADAKOVICH: Well, I just wrote a book. SPACE GHOST: Well I can speak French really loud! SPACE GHOST: Je parle franais trs fort, no? ANKA RADAKOVICH: Oui? SPACE GHOST: Je peux ouvrir une boite d'Žpinards avec les muscles de mon derrire! (LAUGHS) (SUBDUED) I used to be so pretty... in Paris. (FRENCH CAFE MUSIC) (INSET PICTURE OF SPACE GHOST IN A DRESS) ZORAK: So, what do you think of me, human? ANKA RADAKOVICH: Um, I think you're masculine but sensitive... SPACE GHOST: (STARTS SINGING "FRéRE JACQUES" IN BACKGROUND) ZORAK: You do not know me, human! I am evil, therefore I am lonely. I'm just a lonely... drummer for Pearl Jam. ANKA RADAKOVICH: Alright! MOLTAR: That's a lie! ZORAK: Shut up, Moltar! MOLTAR: The female human is mine! ZORAK: What! MOLTAR: I see what you're doing! Putting the lonely mantis routine on to get the girl. You're lying! ZORAK: Mantis' don't lie! MOLTAR: Do so! ZORAK: Do not! MOLTAR: Do so! ZORAK: Do not MOLTAR: Do so! ZORAK: Do not! SPACE GHOST: (FINISHING "FRéRE JACQUES") Dang dong dang! Dang dong dang! ("LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)