Episode 15 - "Fire Drill" |
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:WAITING DONNY OSMOND: One, two, three, four, five, testing... SPACE GHOST: Hey, do you think, uh, do you think I'd get more business or less business if as my Christmas gift I made up like 500 coffee mugs that say "Mr. Beefy"? (pause) ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! SPACE GHOST: Uh... ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! ZORAK: Less! MOLTAR: More! SPACE GHOST: Gee, that's funny, 'cause I sent three baskets here to the Cartoon Network which everybody gobbled up and I never got "thank you" note one for... ZORAK: See, less! MOLTAR: That what you gonna do... SPACE GHOST: I sent these immense gargantuan disgustingly overloaded baskets... y'know... y'know what I'm gonna do then... next year... next year... DONNY OSMOND: (taps microphone impatiently) SPACE GHOST: Comfy, Donny? DONNY OSMOND: Let's do it. Now, I should be looking at you like this, who is this strange person, or is this kinda normal stuff? SPACE GHOST: This is totally serious. DONNY OSMOND: Okay, any other characters that may be talking? ZORAK: Nope, just me. (blink blink) DONNY OSMOND: Besides Zorak? ZORAK: What's wrong with my character? DONNY OSMOND: Oh, there's the "Tar"... what's his name? SPACE GHOST: Moltar. DONNY OSMOND: Moltar. MOLTAR: Yep, monogamy's where it's at in the 90's. SPACE GHOST: He's a lava man. DONNY OSMOND: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Is that so funny to you? DONNY OSMOND: Sure! SPACE GHOST: (frowns) feh. (Opening music & titles) (Space Ghost invisos in) SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight, chart toppers David Byrne and Donny Osmond. (At desk) My first guest is a most singular fellow. Please welcome David Byrne! (Monitor lowers) DAVID BYRNE: Thank you very much for having me. SPACE GHOST: Welcome! So is this the... DAVID BYRNE: (image does a "fast forward") (starts laughing) SPACE GHOST: David, are you having trouble with your power bands? DAVID BYRNE: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: I just saw that you were having trouble with your power bands. DAVID BYRNE: I'm... (image does a "fast forward" again) (laughs) SPACE GHOST: We can talk about it after the show. DAVID BYRNE: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: (lowered voice) In a private room. DAVID BYRNE: Uh... Oh my gosh... (super close-up of Space Ghost's face) I... uh, no. SPACE GHOST: All these retro punks with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their friggin' moist music, it... oh, I'm only kidding! I didn't say you were one... Oh, there you go, now you took offense... So, is this the first talk show you've ever been on? DAVID BYRNE: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: In outer space, of course. DAVID BYRNE: Yes it is, I hope it is not the last. SPACE GHOST: What do you mean by "it"? DAVID BYRNE: (pause) I... Can I come back to that, I... SPACE GHOST: Sure. DAVID BYRNE: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: So, what have you been doing? DAVID BYRNE: I find myself... ZORAK: (background) Living in a shotgun shed. SPACE GHOST: ... lately? DAVID BYRNE: Lately, I've been travelling in a bus. SPACE GHOST: How lately? DAVID BYRNE: (pause) Being a ghost, does that mean that, uh, that you have lived in a previous life? SPACE GHOST: Before this one. DAVID BYRNE: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Right. DAVID BYRNE: I like that, uh, I hope the same thing happens to me? SPACE GHOST: What thing? DAVID BYRNE: I would like to live in another dimension. SPACE GHOST: We would all like to do something, David. DAVID BYRNE: Yes, uh... SPACE GHOST: D'you know what I'd like to do, David? I'd like... ZORAK: (interrupts) Ah, ah, I'd, I'd like to have artho... artho... SPACE GHOST: Butt out. ZORAK: Knee surgery. DAVID BYRNE: That's good. SPACE GHOST: You, David? DAVID BYRNE: Yes, I would like to be cute and blonde. SPACE GHOST: Uh huh! MOLTAR: (in control room) I'll take the ceramic poodle for 3000, the bumper pool table for 4200, uh, pocket calculator for 7.95, and, the rest on a gift certificate. DAVID BYRNE: I can assume a horizontal position. SPACE GHOST: Uh, huh! Heh heh heh... DAVID BYRNE: (laughs) For many weeks! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Hee hee hee... wooo! DAVID BYRNE: (hears heart beats; sees super close-up of Space Ghost again, looks down) SPACE GHOST: What about croutons, David? I love them on a light salad! DAVID BYRNE: Not a crouton man, but I like to put them in a separate, separate dish. SPACE GHOST: Not a crouton man! (laughs) DAVID BYRNE: You can have my croutons, and Bac-O's. SPACE GHOST: And how! DAVID BYRNE: Maybe eat them later. SPACE GHOST: (voice is garbled) One, two, no, it's fine now. Hello, hello? Yep, now we're okay. DAVID BYRNE: However, I find that in a salad they're used to inflate the size of the salad, much as if it were Styrofoam packing material. SPACE GHOST: Wow. ZORAK: I need some packing material. SPACE GHOST: Why do you need some packing material? ZORAK: To pack. SPACE GHOST: Pack what, Zorak? ZORAK: Some things. SPACE GHOST: What kind of things? ZORAK: Zorak things. SPACE GHOST: Oh, really? DAVID BYRNE: (feeling left out) I myself am a creature from Scotland, and, uh... ZORAK: Really. SPACE GHOST: Going somewhere? ZORAK: Where? DAVID BYRNE: From Scotland. SPACE GHOST: I said, going somewhere? ZORAK: Oh, yeah. DAVID BYRNE: I'm putting my insides on the outside... SPACE GHOST: Uh huh? DAVID BYRNE: That's what it's about. ZORAK: Uh huh. DAVID BYRNE: Thank you very much for having me. SPACE GHOST: So this place you're going, you'll be needing a lot of "thangs". DAVID BYRNE: I will, again and again. ZORAK: Oh yeah, a lot of things. SPACE GHOST: Like ten things or maybe twelve? DAVID BYRNE: I believe it was Moses who brought the Ten Condiments. ZORAK: Sure, sure, maybe everything. SPACE GHOST: Everything, huh? DAVID BYRNE: I would like to go... ZORAK: Y'know, just in case. DAVID BYRNE: If you don't mind. SPACE GHOST: Y'know, I don't think you'll be going anywhere... DAVID BYRNE: Mr., Mr. Ghost... SPACE GHOST: (shouting) Since you're not allowed to leave!!! (pounds fist) DAVID BYRNE: (looks on helplessly) ZORAK: Ohhhhh, I think different. SPACE GHOST: (coyly) You forgot to pack something. ZORAK: Huh? What? SPACE GHOST: (touches power band) This destructo ray. DAVID BYRNE: (laughs) ZORAK: Uh, no thanks. SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Oh, I think you need this destructo ray. (presses power band) ZORAK: Eh... (BLAM!!!) (Zorak is crisped) SPACE GHOST: David, I forget... what do you like on your salad again? DAVID BYRNE: (waving hands) Oh no, I still don't have an answer! SPACE GHOST: (impatient) Waiting... DAVID BYRNE: Uh... Anything that makes my skin tingle. SPACE GHOST: Croutons are what make me tingly. DAVID BYRNE: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: I'm serious. I'm crou-tingly. DAVID BYRNE: I should hope so. SPACE GHOST: Before you go, is there anything you'd like to know about me? DAVID BYRNE: Uh... (close-up of Space Ghost again) SPACE GHOST: Anything at all? DAVID BYRNE: Uh... SPACE GHOST: About me? (super close-up of Space Ghost's mouth) DAVID BYRNE: (close-up of his eyes) SPACE GHOST: David, you're bringin' me down, man! Zorak? ZORAK: (still crisped) What? SPACE GHOST: You're bringin' me down, man! Moltar? MOLTAR: Uh huh? SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Pssst, Moltar? MOLTAR: Hi. SPACE GHOST: (normal voice) You're bringin' me down... (Moltar throws lever) :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED SPACE GHOST: (low voice) We're in? MOLTAR: Yep. SPACE GHOST: And you boys are rolling? MOLTAR: Uh... yes. SPACE GHOST: And we're definitely in? MOLTAR: Yes! SPACE GHOST: (normal voice) Okay. You're bringin' me down, man! (laughs) All righto! My next guest... (power tools in background) (talks louder) My next guest is Donny Osmond! (intro music) Hi, Donny. Welcome to the show. DONNY OSMOND: Thank you, thank you Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Tell us what's new with you. DONNY OSMOND: No no no no, I'm not doin' that. SPACE GHOST: Why not? DONNY OSMOND: Because I've seen your show before, and I've seen what you do to your guests when they start plugging, you cut to people yawning, you cut to boring things while they talk about what they're doing, so I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to release my ... (Cut to picture of panda) Narrator: Behold the wooly panda. It is plump and round. The nearby sound of a throttling chainsaw frightens him. 'Eek eek' says the panda. (Cut back to studio) DONNY OSMOND: ... I'm not going to fall prey to your tricks here. SPACE GHOST: So Donny, is it true that... (construction noise gets louder) Ahem! So Donny, is it true that... Excuse me a second (flies off) (noise starts to die down) DONNY OSMOND: How ya doin', Zorak? ZORAK: How do I do what? DONNY OSMOND: Hmm... (sings) Zorak, you're an idiot, I think you're so dumb... ZORAK: ("sings") Donny Osmond, Donny Osmond, Donny Donny Donny... feh. DONNY OSMOND: Oh, I didn't know Zorak was a singer. ZORAK: Zorak is many things. DONNY OSMOND: Amazing. ZORAK: Do you have five dollars? DONNY OSMOND: No, do you? ZORAK: I'll ask the questions here! DONNY OSMOND: Okay. (pause) Next question. ZORAK: Eh, listen, I'm in LA soon, so I need to sleep on your couch. DONNY OSMOND: Okay. ZORAK: For a whole month. DONNY OSMOND: (shakes his head) No. ZORAK: Why not? You afraid of me? Don't want me in your house? DONNY OSMOND: Uh huh. ZORAK: Afraid I might kick your butt! Jerk! DONNY OSMOND: Get my agent on the phone, quick! SPACE GHOST: (flies back) They're building that "Birdman" set next door. DONNY OSMOND: I'll kick his butt. ZORAK: I'll kick your butt. SPACE GHOST: (laughing) Whoa, calm down, everybody! DONNY OSMOND: I'll calm down now. SPACE GHOST: All right, sir, fair enough. ZORAK: Donny Osmond... feh! DONNY OSMOND: Okay, let's just do it. SPACE GHOST: One thing that's buggin' me. Who's your sister? DONNY OSMOND: Marie. SPACE GHOST: Yeah. If Marie's a little bit country, and you're a little bit rock and roll... What's the rest of you? DONNY OSMOND: I guess if I'm a little bit rock and roll, the rest of me is composed of mostly water. SPACE GHOST: Liquid water. DONNY OSMOND: It's truth. SPACE GHOST: Made from scratch? DONNY OSMOND: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: All right. Being an Osmond, you must have many arch-enemies. DONNY OSMOND: Enemies? Space Ghost, I'm Donny Osmond, I don't have enemies! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: How about that Bonaduce kid? I heard you two were in a big fight. DONNY OSMOND: I punched him in the nose, and I won that fight. SPACE GHOST: (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh! Johnny Confident! Fwhoosh!" DONNY OSMOND: But it was fixed. SPACE GHOST: So you didn't win the fight. DONNY OSMOND: I won the fight. SPACE GHOST: Sure, Donny. DONNY OSMOND: (louder) Set it up again, we'll have a rematch! I'll beat him! SPACE GHOST: Like you did before. DONNY OSMOND: (shouting) 'Cause I won that fight! SPACE GHOST: Okay, you won the fight, who cares? DONNY OSMOND: (normal voice) I won the fight. SPACE GHOST: Okay! DONNY OSMOND: Okay. SPACE GHOST: Anything else? DONNY OSMOND: How, how did you get this show? Did you, did you audition for this or something? SPACE GHOST: (frowns) DONNY OSMOND: I'm kidding you, I'll be nice, I'll be kind. SPACE GHOST: So, besides those teeth, what superpowers do you have? DONNY OSMOND: Um, everybody said I can sing well. SPACE GHOST: Do it. DONNY OSMOND: (sings) SPACE GHOST: Do you like croutons? DONNY OSMOND: Nuts? SPACE GHOST: Croutons! DONNY OSMOND: No, no, no, grapes, they're better. SPACE GHOST: Better for idiots. DONNY OSMOND: (shrugs) SPACE GHOST: Does Marie eat grapes? DONNY OSMOND: Why don't you get Marie on the show, let her... SPACE GHOST: Yeah, why don't we get Marie on the show? Moltar, I want Marie. (pounds fist) Call her agent. MOLTAR: (sings) "How do you solve a problem like Marie-e?" Heh heh heh... SPACE GHOST: I don't watch that show. MOLTAR: Okay. DONNY OSMOND: Just have them call my agent, talk to my attorneys, we'll set something up. SPACE GHOST: I'm sure we can do this ourselves, Donny. This isn't our first barbecue. DONNY OSMOND: Okay. SPACE GHOST: Hey, Donny, Donny, Donny, hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey, Donny! DONNY OSMOND: What? SPACE GHOST: (quieter) Where do we go when we die? (Alarm bell starts ringing) SPACE GHOST & ZORAK: Fire Drill! (Credits roll, alarm bell continues to ring) SPACE GHOST: (sings) "Johnny Confident! Whoosh!" |