Episode 12 - "Girlie Show" |
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:WAITING SPACE GHOST: (to himself) Ah, let's see... ohhh, my thighs ache... (to camera) Oh dear. (Opening theme music & titles) SPACE GHOST: (Invisos in) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost! ZORAK: Big whoop. SPACE GHOST: Tonight, we present a special theme show, an all-star spectacular tribute to Women In the Entertainment Industry. (fanfare music in background) Our special guest women are "Nanny" Fran Drescher, that "Hello Dolly" herself Carol Channing, and horror rock and roll riot girl Alice Cooper. (aside to audience) It was my idea! ZORAK: My idea was much better! (light bulb appears above his head) SPACE GHOST: I told you, Zorak, we're not doing a musical tribute to Jack Klugman. ZORAK: (light bulb disappears) But Klugman is terrific, Klugman is dynamite, Klugman is ... Klugman! SPACE GHOST: Enough, Zorak! (quietly) Didn't I give up on us appearing in women's clothing? ZORAK: Ugh! You bloody fool! SPACE GHOST: Sore loser! ZORAK: British imperialist swine! SPACE GHOST: Tax and spend democrat! ZORAK: Jive turkey! SPACE GHOST: Big baby! Baby mantis! ZORAK: (in bib, baby voice) Am not! SPACE GHOST: Anyway, it's my show, so what I say goes. And I say we salute women (fanfare). MOLTAR: How about a tribute to... SPACE GHOST & ZORAK: Shut up! MOLTAR: Hey, I heard that! SPACE GHOST: (Invisos to desk) Zorak, that wasn't my patented theme music. ZORAK: I'm on strike! Stick it to the man! (holding sign which says "SPACE GHOST UNFAIR TO EVIL MANTISES LOCAL 251") SPACE GHOST: Uh uh, Zorak, this is a non-union show. ZORAK: Tough (cough) with your show, you (cough cough), I'm on strike! (sign now says "DESTROY ALL TALK SHOWS") SPACE GHOST: Hey pal, watch the gutter language! This is a woman's show. ZORAK: (cough)! SPACE GHOST: And speaking of women, Moltar has whipped up a little something on them. Roll it, boy! (Projector startup sounds, film header countdown) ZORAK: (silhouette walks in front of screen) Focus! SPACE GHOST: (voice over) Down in front! MOLTAR: (handwritten titles, being moved by hands on screen) "S. Gost Presents" / "Tribute to Women" (Rapid montage of film clips from various movies, with sound effects, backwards music & scream at end) SPACE GHOST: Now, that's entertainment! ZORAK: Ugh.. SPACE GHOST: Time for our first woman. (to himself) Hope my breath's alright. (aloud) Welcome, Citizen Nanny! (screen lowers) FRAN DRESCHER: Oh, hi! SPACE GHOST: (to himself) Oooh, she's a little vixen! FRAN DRESCHER: But what did you say before the word "nanny"? SPACE GHOST: Why, I, cough, cough (face gets red) (voice in background sings: "Riccolo!") I, uh, said, Citizen Nanny? FRAN DRESCHER: Citizen, oh, "Citizen Nanny", oh, hi, how are you? SPACE GHOST: (laughs, then sighs) FRAN DRESCHER: You know, I'm having trouble, hearing... MOLTAR: (in control room) Okay. (throws lever) (sound becomes loud and distorted) SPACE GHOST: Can you hear me now? Testing... FRAN DRESCHER: It's too loud! SPACE GHOST: Sorry. Moltar! MOLTAR: What? ZORAK: Turn it down! It's too loud! MOLTAR: (throws lever again; screen goes black, then comes back; sound returns to normal) FRAN DRESCHER: That's much better! SPACE GHOST: Moltar, I swear... MOLTAR: I know, sorry. FRAN DRESCHER: I, I think that's better. ZORAK: What? Jack? FRAN DRESCHER: No, I'm deaf in one ear. (laughs) (other voice laughs in background) SPACE GHOST: (to himself) That voice! That bewitching voice! ZORAK: That Nanny needs a lozenge! (voice in background sings: "Riccolo!") FRAN DRESCHER: (looks puzzled, then laughs again) SPACE GHOST: Nanny, may I ask you some questions, so I can hear more of your enchanting voice? FRAN DRESCHER: Um, well... SPACE GHOST: Alrighty! I'm going to ask the pretty Nanny questions. (to himself) Steady boy, keep cool. ZORAK: Ask her about Klugman! (sign says "FREE JACK KLUGMAN") SPACE GHOST: (to himself) Palms sweaty... (aloud) Uh, tell the show about us, Nanny! FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) Am I supposed to answer now? SPACE GHOST: Uh, yeah. FRAN DRESCHER: Ask me the same question. SPACE GHOST: Oh dear. I can't! Besides, I forgot it!, er, um... (To himself) Think, Tad, think! ZORAK: How many times has Jack Klugman been on "The Twilight Zone"? (clock ticks in background) FRAN DRESCHER: (hold up three fingers) Three! ZORAK: (Buzz!) Incorrect! Moltar? MOLTAR: Uh, one? (Buzz!) Three! (Buzz!) ZORAK: Sorry. Johnny! Tell them what they've won! Johnny: (picture of can zooms up on screen, with background music) They've won Diddley Squat! Yes, Diddley Squat, one size fits all, tons of uses. It's Diddley Squat. Zorak? ZORAK: Moltar? FRAN DRESCHER: Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: I've got it! Nanny, do you nanny for radio-controlled robot children? (Buzz!) Oooh, dumb question. FRAN DRESCHER: Radio-controlled robot children? Uhhh, no. SPACE GHOST: Let me try another question. FRAN DRESCHER: You know, Arsenio Hall used to give out (buzz) nice gifts. SPACE GHOST: (nervous laugh) Nanny, please! FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) (baby cries & dog barks in background) SPACE GHOST: We'll just let that one go since you're so adorable. ZORAK: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: Not you, Zorak! Sorry, Nanny, he's just jealous. ZORAK: I'm not jealous, I'm on strike! SPACE GHOST: Man, he's annoying! FRAN DRESCHER: You obviously enjoy, um, being in that kind of love-hate relationship. ZORAK: I don't love Zorak! I love... (harp music swells in background) (to himself) Can it be? Do I love the Nanny? FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) (more baby cries, dog barks, set shakes, with crashing noise) SPACE GHOST: (to himself) Zuda lord, I do love the Nanny! I can feel it deep inside, in my icky stuff. Every fibre, every iota of my magnificent being feels it! GLEEP: Gibber gibber gibber. (subtitle: I love the Nanny) GLOOP: Gibber gibber gibber gibber gibber. (subtitle: Though I'm but an iota of Space Ghost's being... I too love this Nanny.) ANNOUNCER: (dramatic organ music) So, this Space Ghost fella tell that Nanny girl he loves her? Will the Nanny feel, you know, likewise? Will that bug meet that actor fella he always talks about? And the other one, what's with him, ah, who knows? :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED ZORAK: Hey hey, ho ho, Space Ghost has got to go. (sign says "DESTROY ALL TALK SHOWS") (repeats chant in background while others talk) SPACE GHOST: (to himself) After lunch, we'll marry, in a simple ceremony. She'll grow to love the Ghost Planet after a while... (Zorak continues to chant) (aloud) Don't mind him, dearest. Labor dispute. FRAN DRESCHER: You can fire him, you're the star. ZORAK: Hey hey, ... He can't fire me! I'm the hardest working mantis in show business! Hi-yo! SPACE GHOST: Forget him, my fair Nanny! He's but a lowly proletariat. ZORAK: Actually, I'm Episcopalian. SPACE GHOST: (lounge music in background) You know, I've never met a woman guest quite like you before, Nanny. FRAN DRESCHER: Thank you, I know. SPACE GHOST: Oh yeah, I can sense quality in a female of the species when I scan for it. ZORAK: (belches) SPACE GHOST: Zorak! There's a Nanny present! Watch your mouth! ZORAK: I... I can't. It's... too underneathy. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) My husband says that... SPACE GHOST: Husband? FRAN DRESCHER: Right. SPACE GHOST: I'm sorry Nanny, but... good-bye. FRAN DRESCHER: (looking puzzled; screen zaps) SPACE GHOST: (melancholy violin music in background) Don't want no more of this cryin' game. ZORAK: (taunting, in sing-song voice) Space Ghost loves the Nanny! SPACE GHOST: Do not! ZORAK: Tainted love! SPACE GHOST: (sighs) I wonder what lucky citizen is her husband. ZORAK: Don't you know, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Mr. Belvedere? (Buzz!) Mr. French? (Buzz!) ZORAK: You've never heard of Nanny and the Professor!! SPACE GHOST: No! No! It can't be true! (Fran Drescher's and Russell Johnson's images are superimposed over Space Ghost's head) FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) RUSSELL JOHNSON: Space man, space master... SPACE GHOST: MOTHER!!!! RUSSELL JOHNSON: You getting it? CAROL CHANNING: (sings) "Helloooo, Space Ghost, well helloooo, Space Ghost..." ZORAK: Ewww! MOLTAR: Space Ghost! You got a Channing at three o'clock! CAROL CHANNING: Hello, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: (dejected) Oh. Hello Carol. I'm sorry, but I don't feel up to this right now. I'm a downy clowny. CAROL CHANNING: Oh, please come out of yourself. SPACE GHOST: (still dejected) Alright. I'll try. Carol, are you getting enough oxygen? CAROL CHANNING: No, I haven't... SPACE GHOST: (with anxiety) Oh, what's the use!? I'm a fifty-car pile-up of misery! ZORAK: The Nanny dumped Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Zorak! CAROL CHANNING: How dare she, she was miffed, she was mad, she had gained ten pounds over the Christmas holidays, it was fruit cake. SPACE GHOST: I've... I've never known love, Carol. CAROL CHANNING: You haven't, Space Ghost? You'd be divine! SPACE GHOST: I want to know what love is! ZORAK: Love is watching Jack Klugman! SPACE GHOST: Is not! CAROL CHANNING: Oh, yes it is! Also... SPACE GHOST: I want woman love! ZORAK: You're pathetic. Be a man, be a Klug-man! CAROL CHANNING: I think Space Ghost is strangely sweet. SPACE GHOST: Really? Thanks! I'm glad we had this little talk, Carol. I feel more confident now! CAROL CHANNING: Oh, Space Ghost, I've enjoyed it. SPACE GHOST: Could I ask you to dinner after the show? CAROL CHANNING: Oh, sure you could, we'd be cute together. SPACE GHOST: Really? We'd be cute? Say, would you go steady with me? CAROL CHANNING: No. (Zorak, Carol Channing, Moltar & Fran Drescher all laugh) CAROL CHANNING: Ta ta! (zaps off screen) SPACE GHOST: Fine! Be that way! "Good-bye, Dolly!" Moltar! Next guest! (aside) I'll charm the pants off her. (aloud) Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Alice Cooper! (Alice appears, exchanges looks with Space Ghost, who is clearly puzzled) ZORAK: Welcome to our nightmare, Alice! (laughs with Moltar) ALICE COOPER: Hello, Mr. Ghost, or is it Space? SPACE GHOST: You're not a woman, are you? ALICE COOPER: Oh no, no, not me. SPACE GHOST: But, but you have make-up on! ALICE COOPER: I was actually born with eye make-up on. SPACE GHOST: Achh! What the (Buzz!) is going on here? ALICE COOPER: Well, it's, uh... SPACE GHOST: Has society totally broken down? ALICE COOPER: I think that we all, uh... SPACE GHOST: Is nothing sacred? Is love a lie? ZORAK: Space Ghost? I made you something. I think you need it. SPACE GHOST: (sniffs) What? ZORAK: An ejector seat! Bonzai! (ejects Space Ghost through the ceiling into space) ALICE COOPER: (chuckles) MOLTAR: Heh heh... Good one, dude. SPACE GHOST: (outside in space, talking to himself) Game over, man, game over. (Asteroid hits his head) Oww! ZORAK: (at Space Ghost's desk) Prepare yourselves for Klugman! ALICE COOPER: Zorak? ZORAK: Eh, we're short on time here, Alice dear, so chop off your head, or eat a rat, or something, so we can wrap this up. ALICE COOPER: You know, actually, I've never ever bitten or killed anything on stage. ZORAK: Okay, Cooper, how much to get rid of you? ALICE COOPER: Million five, after the show. ZORAK: Done and done. (cash register sound) ALICE COOPER: See ya, creeps. SPACE GHOST: (still outside, talking in John Wayne voice) No, Skinny, get away from that fence, Skinny. ZORAK: Sam! Roll Klugman! MOLTAR: Okay, Quince! (Jack Klugman is on control room monitor) SPACE GHOST: (still outside) Please, someone, anyone, tell me this is all just a horrible nightmare. ZORAK: (Jack Klugman is on the studio monitor) No, it's not! Space Ghost's fifteen minutes of lame are up! Let the Klugman revolution begin! (evil laugh) ZORAK Zorak & MOLTAR: MOLTAR: And now, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman, Klugman! (Credits roll, with Jack's picture on right side) SPACE GHOST: Good night, my little Nanny, wherever you are. FRAN DRESCHER: (laughs) (Buzz!) |