President's Day Nightmare |
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:WAITING ANNOUNCER: Tonight! Live from Ghost Planet! It's the 1st Annual World Premiere Toon In! (Polaroids fly in) With special guests! Brak! Van Partible! Lokar! Pat Ventura! Metallus! Craig McCracken! Black Widow! Genndy Tartakovsky! Tansut! and Geno Mattos! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, The Council of Doom. (curtain raises) COUNCIL OF DOOM: We're from outer space, we're an evil disgrace! TANSUT: We spread germs and disease all over the place! COUNCIL OF DOOM: But now we're here and we're full of beer BRAK: Full of beeeeeer! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS BRAK!) BLACK WIDOW: Space Ghost is so pretty I could hold him dear! (music stops) BRAK: What the...! LOKAR: What, are you insane? BLACK WIDOW: Okay, okay! I hate him! (music resumes) COUNCIL OF DOOM: We hate em too, he's like a bad haiku BRAK: Haiku! (subtitle: HELLO MY NAME IS BRAK!) METALLUS: (Drones) (subtitle, with bouncing ball: BUT HE GAVE US ALL A PARDON / SO, WHAT COULD WE DO?) COUNCIL OF DOOM: So we're nice again, Yeah! We're all good sports, and we're here to judge the World Pre-mier Shorts! BRAK: Shorts! Shorts! ANNOUNCER: Tonight's broadcast extravaganza will be simulcast on TBS, TNT and the Cartoon Network. And now, your host for the evening, The Principal of Outer Space! Spaaaace Ghooooost! SPACE GHOST: (invisos in)(coughs during introduction) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost, from Coast to Coast, on the Cartoon Network! Welcome to the First Annual World Premiere Toon In! (aside) We're rolling as we speak, still? Okay, good. (to camera) Tonight, five directors from the Hanna-Barbera Cartoon Studio will compete against each other, in front of an audience of millions and millions, for a big prize! (fanfare) Each director will be judged in random categories by the Council of Doom! The winner will be the winner when he wins! And the winning director will have his cartoon premiered at the end of the show? ZORAK: (glares at Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Okay. Here to tell you how the votes are tabulated, from the Accounting Firm of Price Westinghouse, Blip the monkey! BLIP THE MONKEY: (on stage in a tuxedo) (squeaks and squeaks) SPACE GHOST: Huh? What are you saying, Blip? What are you saying?! BLIP THE MONKEY: (squeaks and squeaks) SPACE GHOST: I can't understand a word you're saying! Okay, get the monkey off the stage. Now, let's meet the judges, the Council Of Doom. (Judges, from left to right: Lokar, Metallus, Black Widow, Tansut, Brak) SPACE GHOST: Tansut, a vicious alien from the SK system! He likes to mold things out of scalding hot tar. TANSUT: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! (makes peace signs) Predicate! SPACE GHOST: Heh heh, oh-kay. Three time Nascar Champion and conqueror of the Dust Mite Planet, Brak! BRAK: All Hail Brak! COUNCIL OF DOOM: Hail! BRAK: Hail Brak! Haiiiil Brak! SPACE GHOST: Black Widow! And next... BLACK WIDOW: Mmmmmm! You look really good in those tights, honey! SPACE GHOST: Eew! Yuckie! TANSUT: Predicate! SPACE GHOST: Next, Metallus, an armored warrior whose mere glance is enough to strike fear into the hearts of those weaker than he. (looks evil, making droning sound) He collects fridge magnets and is a champion speed knitter. METALLUS: (drones) SPACE GHOST: And finally, Lokar! A hideous locust who hails from the east. He enjoys literature and books, and he likes to read colorful pamphlets to orphans. LOKAR: Thank you Space Ghost, I'm esteemed. ZORAK: Death to Lokar! LOKAR: Oh please, Zorak, your insipid habit of barking out ludicrous commands is nothing more than a blatant display of your lack of intelligence. ZORAK: Oh. Thank you, Lokar. That's just about the dumbest thing I ever heard! SPACE GHOST: Hey now! You bugs be nice! ZORAK: Shut up! LOKAR: Shut up! SPACE GHOST: Alrighty, who will be our first director? Dian? DIAN PARKINSON: Are we on or... SPACE GHOST: (laughs) (quietly) Moltar! Who's on first? MOLTAR: Who's on second? SPACE GHOST: I dunno! Who's on second? MOLTAR: Right! SPACE GHOST: Oh-kay. (pauses, looks around studio) Have you ever noticed the beautiful lighting in this studio? ZORAK: Yeah. (breaking sound off screen) What's a Toon In? SPACE GHOST: It's a franchise. ZORAK: Oh, okay. SPACE GHOST: The first category is Director's Composure Under Extreme Interrogation! Our first contestant is Pat Ventura! (Monitor lowers with Pat) ANNOUNCER: (whispering) Tonight's contestants have been briefed on the rules governing each category. What you are about to see is real, these are not actors, they're directors. SPACE GHOST: Welcome, Pat! PAT VENTURA: Well, thank you very much, I... SPACE GHOST: What do you do? PAT VENTURA: I'm, uh, a director. COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 3, 10, 5, 1, 6) SPACE GHOST: Not yet, you clowns! Sorry, uh, tell us about your cartoon! PAT VENTURA: Yuckie Duck is a very hapless, uh, character. He try to please but no one appreciates it, it's like the world against him. (pause) Everything he touches just fouls up. SPACE GHOST: (long pause) Let's look at the clip! (Clip of "Yuckie Duck" is shown) SPACE GHOST: Clip category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 3.14, 78, 109, 12.2, "HELLO MY NAME IS BRAK") ANNOUNCER: (with French translation in background) Tansut, twelve point two. Black Widow, one hundred nine. Brak, "Hello my name is Brak." SPACE GHOST: What is it with you and Talking Ducks? PAT VENTURA: (clears throat) Well, being a cartoon character, he just can do anything. He'll talk, and... I guess he talks because we just give him a voice. SPACE GHOST: You just decide on his voice, just like that. PAT VENTURA: (shrugs) Uh... I... ZORAK: (mocking Pat a la Butthead) Uh huh huh, uh huh huh... SPACE GHOST: Okay Pat! Solve the puzzle! (Pat doesn't have time to respond) SPACE GHOST: Wrong! Too many vowels! PAT VENTURA: Oh, sssss... SPACE GHOST: Council? COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 5, 4, 3, 6, 3) SPACE GHOST: Hmmmm, not so good. Do you sing? PAT VENTURA: Uh... no, I don't. SPACE GHOST: Dance? PAT VENTURA: No Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: (sings, in monotone) Don't sing, don't dance. What do you do... Pat? PAT VENTURA: I'm, uh, a director. SPACE GHOST: Then direct me! PAT VENTURA: Well, you can do a cartoon with just... SPACE GHOST: Okay, I'm doing a cartoon, here we go, I am a cartoon! What's my motivation? Where am I? Why am I? What are the other characters doing? PAT VENTURA: I guess the characters are doing superhuman feats in themselves. SPACE GHOST: Likin' it! They're doing feats and I come in and I say...? PAT VENTURA: Uh... SPACE GHOST: Talk to me, Patty baby! PAT VENTURA: Hello, and my name is Pat Ventura. SPACE GHOST: (bad acting, straight) "Hello, and my name is Pat Ventura!" Directing category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, 0, 1, 2, 4) SPACE GHOST: Ooooh. Sliding. Well, thanks, Pat! We'll see you at the end of the show! PAT VENTURA: Thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: You're welcome! My next contestant is Van Partible! ZORAK: The wrestler? SPACE GHOST: No, the director of "Johnny Bravo". (Van Partible appears on the monitor, eating a danish) SPACE GHOST: Hello, Citizen Partible! ZORAK: Hey, do you know Rick Flair? VAN PARTIBLE: Mm Hm. (takes big bite) ZORAK: (wide eyed) Food. Food! MOLTAR: (pointing) You have a danish! VAN PARTIBLE: Yes. ZORAK: Gimme the danish! VAN PARTIBLE: Okey dokey. SPACE GHOST: No, Van, it's a trick! He'll take your whole hand! VAN PARTIBLE: No, I doubt it, but it would be funny... that would be comedy. SPACE GHOST: Wait a second, Chester, blood is not funny. TANSUT: (Ding!) Blood is funny! Van is the winner! VAN PARTIBLE: I totally love the Ghost Planet. SPACE GHOST: Citizen Van, you chose the danish, why? VAN PARTIBLE: I have no idea, it was the only thing there, it was either a bagel or this cream cheese frosting thing. SPACE GHOST: Food selection category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: -9, -1, -3, -2, 0) SPACE GHOST: Council would have chosen the bagel. Bad decision, Van. VAN PARTIBLE: See, what I'm trying to do is chew and talk at the same time... SPACE GHOST: Talking with your mouth full category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: -22, -3, -90, -48, -67) SPACE GHOST: Ooooh, Van, things aren't lookin' good. Bad manners are never en vogue. VAN PARTIBLE: I guess, it, it... SPACE GHOST: Let's look at the clip! (Clip of "Johnny Bravo") SPACE GHOST: Clip category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 0, 2, 1, 0) SPACE GHOST: You can do better than that, Van! VAN PARTIBLE: I... (long pause) (shrugs) I guess you're a critic. SPACE GHOST: Yup. VAN PARTIBLE: Okay. SPACE GHOST: We'll be back in two and two! ANNOUNCER: Only one cartoon will win! Which one will it be? Stay tuned to find out. (World Premiere Toon-In graphic) ANNOUNCER: Oh goody! The World Premiere Toon In franchise is back! Excited? I am. SPACE GHOST: Welcome back! Our next contestant is Geno Mattos! GENO MATTOS: Whew! Just beamed in from the old Enterprise, uh, thought I'd say hi! SPACE GHOST: Shatner method acting! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0) SPACE GHOST: Goose eggs. Ha ha ha! But you'll have a chance to make that up. Tell us what you do! GENO MATTOS: I am a animation director, designer, uh, on the show "Shake and Flick." SPACE GHOST: Wrong! GENO MATTOS: Excuse me, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: You must answer in the form of a walrus! GENO MATTOS: Are you serious? LOKAR: Pardon the intrusion, don't you mean, question? SPACE GHOST: You have a question, Lokar? LOKAR: No, lower brain form, you mean, he should answer in the form of a question. SPACE GHOST: Yes, he should question in the form of an answer! Good answer! Question the answer, Gino! GENO MATTOS: Who? SPACE GHOST: You're good, buddy boy! Now for the clincher... (drum roll) GENO MATTOS: This is totally serious. SPACE GHOST: You wouldn't understand my shouting Braille when there's a blender in the oven. GENO MATTOS: Uh, because our deflector shields were up and our communication was kinda garbled? SPACE GHOST: Uhhhh, we'll have to check with the judges, hold on! COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 9, 7, 8, 9, 8) SPACE GHOST: You're back in the race! GENO MATTOS: Thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Not a problem, Gino. GENO MATTOS: This is my fifteen seconds of, royal fame. SPACE GHOST: That's enough, son. GENO MATTOS: Okay, was I hammin' it up a little too much? ZORAK: Roll the clip! (Clip of "Shake and Flick", opening credits only) SPACE GHOST: Survey says... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 8, -107, 9, 8, 7) SPACE GHOST: Well, Geno, you're doing okay. GENO MATTOS: Okay. SPACE GHOST: See you. (Geno zaps off monitor) SPACE GHOST: Okay! My next contestant is Genndy Tartakovsky. (appears on monitor) BRAK: Hey! What time is it? SPACE GHOST: Welcome, Comrade Ginsu! GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: It's good to be here Space Ghost, thank you. SPACE GHOST: You're welcome. GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: You're welcome. SPACE GHOST: Yes, Space Ghost. GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: Yes, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Mimic category! Council gives... COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 2, -5, 1, 2, Brak) BRAK: Hey! What time is it? SPACE GHOST: Tell us about your cartoon. GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: Yeah, Dexter is a boy genius and, uh... SPACE GHOST: Uh huh... Roll it! (Clip of "Dexter's Laboratory" is shown) SPACE GHOST: Clip category! Survey says... ZORAK: Dexter's stupid! SPACE GHOST: Ooooh, (Ding!) what do you say to that Comrade? GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: Well, he can go and just have his own opinion and it won't bother me at all. BRAK: (in background) Hey! (Ding!) Hey, looky here! (Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!) Hey, look at me! (Ding! Ding!) SPACE GHOST: (looks at Brak, annoyed) Self-restraint category! Council gives... Council gives... BRAK: Oh! COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 1, 3, 2, 3, 1) BRAK: There! SPACE GHOST: Okay Ginsberg, looks good! GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: Thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: (mocking) Thank you, Space Ghost. (normal voice) Our last and final contestant is Craig McCracken! SPACE GHOST: Citizen Craig McCracken, Come on down! (monitor lowers) CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Thanks. It's good to be here. SPACE GHOST: What do you do? CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Uh, I make cartoons. I make, uh, the Power Puff Girls, about these three little kindergarten-age superheroes who fly around and beat up bad guys. SPACE GHOST: Ohhhh, let's see the clip. (Clip of "Power Puff Girls", about 0.5 second long) SPACE GHOST: That's great! CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Um, Why aren't you like a big sheet just with, like, eyes cut in it, goin' like (motions) "Woooh!" and scary? I mean, why is that? I mean, that's like a ghost. COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10) SPACE GHOST: Uh, Craig... CRAIG MCCRACKEN: You know, I don't, I don't understand this whole yellow cape black hood thing. It's kinda strange to me. COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10) SPACE GHOST: McCracken... CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Not really spooky. SPACE GHOST: I'm not a scary ghost, Jim! I'm a Space Ghost! CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Oh, is that it? SPACE GHOST: Yes! I'm the savior of the universe! A mature crime-fighter of all evil! CRAIG MCCRACKEN: I don't, I don't, uh, think crime fighting takes any specific age. COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10) SPACE GHOST: Quit thinking. CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Okay, I mean, even babies could save the day if they had to. COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Ding!) (Scores: 11, 11, 11, 11, 11) SPACE GHOST: Aren't you late for something? CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Uh uh. No. SPACE GHOST: (raises his armband, as if to fire) CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Oh, I get it. SPACE GHOST: And it's not funny... is it? CRAIG MCCRACKEN: Nooo, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Get a haircut, McCracken. (Craig disappears from the monitor) SPACE GHOST: Alrighty! Now it's time to tabulate the scores and determine tonight's winning director! (tympani roll) Moltar? MOLTAR: (pulls the lever to begin tabulating) SPACE GHOST: And the winner is... ANNOUNCER: Don't move. Not a muscle. The winning cartoon is coming up! Right after these messages. (World Premiere Toon-In graphic) ANNOUNCER: Ah, there's more. We now return to the conclusion of The Cartoon Network's World Premiere Toon In. Let me do that again. MOLTAR: It's a tie! I think. Idn't it? COUNCIL OF DOOM: (Scores: 86, 86, 85, 86, 86) MOLTAR: Yeah, it's a tie. (fanfare) (Musical accompaniment starts; Space Ghost and Zorak sing) SPACE GHOST: Here he comes! It's a tie! It's a beautiful burnt sienna tie for me! ZORAK: I want green, to match my spleen, Oh, what a beautiful tie! BLIP THE MONKEY: (squeaks and squeaks) SPACE GHOST: Look at Blip, He is small, Oh, what a monkey he is! (Music ends; Blip keeps squeaking) SPACE GHOST: What? Quit speaking monkey! LOKAR: (pausing deliberately, as though he's translating) Ahem. He said, since it's a tie, yes, I believe it's 'tie', you must have a tie-breaker. SPACE GHOST: No, since it's a tie we'll have a swimsuit competition! (low voice) Lose the primate! (Blip screeches, followed by a crash sound) SPACE GHOST: The tie-breaker category is the Swimsuit Competition! Citizen Pat Ventura! Go! PAT VENTURA: (appears on screen) No, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Van Partible! Swimsuit! Go! VAN PARTIBLE: (appears on screen, still eating, mouth full) Do I look at anybody? ZORAK: Danish! SPACE GHOST: Disqualified! (zaps him off of screen) Geno Mattos! Swimsuit! Go! GENO MATTOS: (appears on screen) Are you serious? SPACE GHOST: Disqualified! Comrade Gingersnap! Swimsuit! Go! GENNDY TARTAKOVSKY: No, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Disqualified! (zaps him off screen) Last contestant! Craig McCracken! Swimsuit! Go! CRAIG MCCRACKEN: (appears in swimsuit, life jacket, water wings, fins, mask and snorkel, posing & waving; disco music plays) SPACE GHOST: And the winner of the 1st Annual Toon In is... Craig McCracken! (Craig holds flowers and weeps, a tiara on his head) CRAIG MCCRACKEN: (talking through mask and snorkel, blowing kisses) Thank you, Space Ghost, oh, I love them, thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Goodnight everybody! You're beautiful! Here's the winning cartoon that won the winning... oh, roll the cartoon. (Entire "Power Puff Girls" cartoon is shown) (Credits roll) SPACE GHOST: (mocking) Thank you Space Ghost. |