Episode 18 - "Urges" |
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:WAITING ZORAK: (sitting in Space Ghost's chair, watching monitor; subtitles: LIVE FEED: MANTIS MATING SEASON) Oh, get a load of that one! She's sublime! Those twitchy eyes, those powerful forelimbs! MOLTAR: (sighs) Every seven years, it's the same thing. Mantis mating season. ZORAK: Oh, wait, that one's even cuter! Lovely pincers! MOLTAR: Look, Zorak, the show's about to start. I've gotta switch the feed. ZORAK: No! Don't! I think I just spotted the girl of my dreams. MOLTAR: Which girl? ZORAK: That girl! (zooms in on monitor, to Marlo Thomas mantis look-alike) (Opening theme music, from "That Girl", & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, citizens! Oops! (invisos out; zipper sound) Ah, better. (invisos back in) MOLTAR: Eh, it's gonna be one of those shows... I think instead, I'll watch the Lava Network. (switches monitor to molten lava scene) Oooooh! SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost, welcome to the show! Today's guests include... ZORAK: Uh, show's over! G'night! G'night everybody! (band starts playing closing theme) MOLTAR: (still watching lava show) Mmmm, make sweet love to me... What? Closing credit music? Yikes! (throws switch, starts closing credits) SPACE GHOST: Wow, hold it! What is goin' on? Stop those credits! Moltar! MOLTAR: (stops closing credits) Sorry, SG, I... thought the show was over. ZORAK: It is. SPACE GHOST: Nonsense! I had just started. ZORAK: No, you finished. SPACE GHOST: I did? ZORAK: Yes! SPACE GHOST: Uh, um... who was on the show? ZORAK: It's right here. (opens "TV Today" magazine and reads) "Tonight the interplanetary talk show host interviewed TV star Catherine Bach and singer-songwriter Matthew Sweet." SPACE GHOST: (to himself) (Hmmm, I can't remember, did I do the show or not?) What did Catherine Bach have to say? ZORAK: Oh, she told a very amusing anecdote about... a bowling trophy! SPACE GHOST: Is that right, Moltar? MOLTAR: Uh, I think so. SPACE GHOST: And how about Matthew Sweet? What did he have to say? ZORAK: (pause) Nothin'. SPACE GHOST: Nothing? I find that hard to believe. ZORAK: Oh, wait, you're right! He did say something. SPACE GHOST: (with "tingle tingle tingle" voice in background) (Hmmm, my super-power senses are tingling. What are they trying to tell me? Is it time to switch mouth wash? Stock up on string cheese? Start wearing a derby.) I've got it! Zorak's lying! No more fibs! What's going on? ZORAK: Aaaaggghh! Mating season on my planet started twenty minutes ago! I must go! SPACE GHOST: To get butter and cheese? ZORAK: I feel... the urge! SPACE GHOST: Typical musician! Look, we have a show to do, and you can't leave 'til it's over. ZORAK: But... SPACE GHOST: Put a lid on it, Zorak, or whatever you do. You'll just have to wait fifteen minutes before you go spread your evil seed. Now, I want to talk to Catherine Bach and ask her about that bowling trophy. (screen lowers with Catherine on it) ZORAK: (starts gibbering) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Catherine, and welcome to the show. CATHERINE BACH: Thank you, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Tell me, Catherine, do you have a bowling trophy? CATHERINE BACH: Yes I do. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) MOLTAR: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: That was a good anecdote. MOLTAR: (laughs) ZORAK: I'm getting splotchy. SPACE GHOST: As we all know, you originated the role of Daisy on "The Dukes of Hazzard," and I think we all want to know, what two words would you use to describe Boss Hogg? CATHERINE BACH: Monkey gland, uh, sauce? SPACE GHOST: Uh, two words, please! CATHERINE BACH: So delicate and perfect. SPACE GHOST: You could tell! And how did they treat you on that show? Would they give you a whole meal, or just one course? CATHERINE BACH: "The Dukes of Hazzard" gave me the entree... SPACE GHOST: But no dessert? Hmmm, sounds kind of cheap. Now, your new TV series takes you to a new continent. Tell me, how is Africa different from the States? CATHERINE BACH: There's no Sigfried and Roy in, um, in South Africa. SPACE GHOST: What! I didn't know that. Moltar! Get my investment advisor on the phone. Divest all interest in South Africa immediately! (low voice) Uh, those views were mine, and do not necessarily reflect the station or its owners. (normal voice) Quick, Catherine, cover for me! Tell a story about the black rhino! CATHERINE BACH: First of all, the black rhino does not breed in captivity. ZORAK: Nor do I! CATHERINE BACH: They are now taking the black rhino and trying to impregnate the, the white rhino, the female white rhino... (switches getting thrown?) ZORAK: Go on. SPACE GHOST: Would you please keep your mind on the music! ZORAK: I can't! It's mating season! SPACE GHOST: So what's the big deal? Unless... Zorak! (chuckles) Is it your first time? ZORAK: Don't be ridiculous! I've mated, uh, plenty of times! MOLTAR: Wait a minute, that can't be true! ZORAK: And why not? MOLTAR: 'Cause your head's still attached to your body! CATHERINE BACH: (moving hands in front of mouse) Whhhoooosh! MOLTAR: (crude mantis head graphic appears on control room monitor) See, in the mantis marital act, the female typically eats the head and brain of the male. (pieces of head disappear one by one) ZORAK: You're kidding! MOLTAR: You didn't know that? ZORAK: That's not what my mother told me! CATHERINE BACH: (laughs) ZORAK: It's not funny! CATHERINE BACH: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Catherine, I'll have to ask you to please stop laughing. CATHERINE BACH: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: I'm serious! CATHERINE BACH: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: I warned you. (zaps her off monitor) Okay, Zorak, she's gone. And you know what I was thinking? If you want to go mate, I shouldn't stop you. It's every space creature's inalienable right to know love and be loved and have love and share love and know love and... did I say that one already? ZORAK: I'm not so sure I want to be loved anymore! SPACE GHOST: What, are you afraid of commitment? ZORAK: Hey, look, there's Matthew Sweet! (Matthew appears on monitor) MATTHEW SWEET: ... the teen tycoon of rock, from beyond the valley of the dolls. SPACE GHOST: Eh, tell me, Matt, uh, how.. do.. your pants, uh, stay up? MATTHEW SWEET: I just concentrate very hard, it's built into my brain. Like, I don't even need a belt for that. SPACE GHOST: Very good! Here's a riddle... What would you eat with a bio-dip? MATTHEW SWEET: A bio-chip. SPACE GHOST: You're sharp! I bet you're pretty powerful, too! ZORAK: (starts makes gibbering noises, which continue in background) SPACE GHOST: You know, I can use my power bands to bring the Atlantic Ocean to a boiling point in five seconds! Can you point a finger and heat something up? MATTHEW SWEET: If you, if you mean like baking a potato or boiling an egg, I might be okay. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: I thought so. Keep working at it, you have the makings of a super-hero! Perhaps I might could give you some tips. ZORAK: (still gibbering, then stops) I can't hold it! I must go to my home planet! I want lo-o-o-ve! MOLTAR: But the consequences... ZORAK: (starts gibbering again) MOLTAR: Yeah, go on... SPACE GHOST: Matthew, what do you think? Should Zorak go home to mate? MATTHEW SWEET: Uh, have a good time, all the time. SPACE GHOST: Even if it means certain death? MATTHEW SWEET: Why not? ZORAK: That settles it! I'm off, and I'm taking the Phantom Cruiser! SPACE GHOST: All right, but in the event you lose your head, call a cab. Oh, and, uh, there's a Gino Vanelli tape in the glove compartment. ZORAK: (boing!) (bounds off stage and into Phantom Cruiser & takes off, burning rubber sounds) Yee-hoo! :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED SPACE GHOST: (belches, then notices camera is on; his face turns red) Heh heh, dear me! Uh, a thousand pardons, friends... Zorak's music normally covers that. MOLTAR: It's all because you sneak bites from a pork chop sandwich during station breaks. SPACE GHOST: (with mouth full of food) I don't know what you're talking about! MOLTAR: It's a disgusting habit! SPACE GHOST: Come on, lots of people are doing it! Matthew Sweet, you're a man of the world, have you ever had a big, sloppy pork chop sandwich? MATTHEW SWEET: Yeah, it wasn't too good, we had to cancel some shows. Needless to say, I haven't done it since then. SPACE GHOST: Aw, you're no help! (Eh, what was I talking about?) That's right, no music! Well, we can't have that, so I will provide it. MATTHEW SWEET: Oh, really? SPACE GHOST: You bet! Steve Allen played the piano, Arthur Godfrey played the ukulele, and I, Space Ghost, play... the blues harp! Can't really do it unless someone's telling a sad story! Tell a sad story! MATTHEW SWEET: Uh, well, I... what happens is, I'll drink... SPACE GHOST: Perfect, keep going. (starts playing) MATTHEW SWEET: I get really thirsty on stage, y'know, and I don't feel it or anything, 'cause I just have a couple of beers, you know... SPACE GHOST: Yeah, yeah... (keeps playing) MATTHEW SWEET: ... but when they're empty, I keep going back and picking up an empty bottle, over and over again, it makes me really frustrated... SPACE GHOST: Sadder, make it sadder! (keeps playing) MATTHEW SWEET: ... so I got in the habit of knocking them off the back of the amplifier, 'cause they would never break. SPACE GHOST: Testify! MATTHEW SWEET: Uh... SPACE GHOST: Go on with your bad self! MATTHEW SWEET: Like, a beer bottle's pretty sturdy. SPACE GHOST: (in blues voice) A beer bottle's, pretty sturday! MATTHEW SWEET: But anyhow, uh, so I would knock them off the back, and one night, uh, I knocked one off, and I guess it must have exploded or something, 'cause I was playing the last song, and my hands felt all sticky, and I looked down, and there was blood everywhere. SPACE GHOST: (finishes playing) We should take this show on the road! Play the House of Blues! MOLTAR: Here's where he mentions Dan Ackroyd. SPACE GHOST: Hey, I know Dan Ackroyd! I know Dan Ackroyd! Matthew, can I ask you a favor? MATTHEW SWEET: Alright. SPACE GHOST: Would you mind holding your breath while I ask Moltar a non-show-related question? MATTHEW SWEET: (takes a deep breath and holds it) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, what's going on with Zorak? MOLTAR: My readings show he's landed on his home planet, and is zeroing in on his target. ZORAK: (talking to female mantis) If I said you had a beautiful exoskeleton, would you hold it against me? FEMALE MANTIS 1: (giggles) SPACE GHOST: Stru-u-uck o-u-t! You know, Moltar, I never realized how scrawny Zorak was compared to the others! MOLTAR: Yeah, his steady diet of evil has taken its toll. Ultimately the internal manifested self and the external... SPACE GHOST: Um, yeah. (I wish I had the slightest idea what Moltar was talking about.) MOLTAR: Uh, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: What? MOLTAR: You should check on Matthew. I think we're about to lose him. (Matthew's face is purple on monitor, still holding his breath) SPACE GHOST: Silly me! (laughs) Matthew, you can stop now! (Matthew starts breathing again, his face returns to normal) You know, Matthew, just because somebody tells you to do something, doesn't mean you should always do it. MATTHEW SWEET: Really? SPACE GHOST: Do you think, in the future, you should try to be more careful? MATTHEW SWEET: Yeah, a little more careful. MOLTAR: Space Ghost, you better check this out. There's activity on Zorak's home planet. (monitor shows Zorak and second female mantis, a Marlo Thomas look-alike) FEMALE MANTIS 2: (blink!) ZORAK: (blink!) FEMALE MANTIS 2: (blink! blink!) ZORAK: (blink! blink!) FEMALE MANTIS 2: (blink! blink! blink!) ZORAK: (blink! blink! blink! blink!) FEMALE MANTIS 2: (blink! blink! blink! blink! blink! blink!) ZORAK: (blink! blink! blink! blink! blink! blink!) (Both of them start blinking like mad; finally they stop) SPACE GHOST: Looks like Zorak's made a love connection! (romantic music swells) (Zorak and female mantis each have thought balloons; Zorak's is full of hearts, female mantis's shows her biting off Zorak's head) ZORAK: Do you like walks in the rain? FEMALE MANTIS 2: Oh, yes! ZORAK: And Elizabeth Barrett Browning's sonnets from the Portuguese? FEMALE MANTIS 2: How did you know? ZORAK: I know things about you. FEMALE MANTIS 2: You're the most exciting mantis I've ever met! ZORAK: I want to spend the rest of my life with you! FEMALE MANTIS 2: And so you shall! SPACE GHOST: Zorak going to his home planet was a great idea! Love has transformed him. When he comes back, he'll be a new bug! MOLTAR: I don't think he'll be coming back. SPACE GHOST: Why not? MOLTAR: I explained it all earlier in the show. Don't you remember? SPACE GHOST: Of course I remember! (pause) I have to go to the little ghost's room. (flies off to room with console) (Note to myself: got to use my memory.) (rewinds through video tape of show, back to Moltar's original explanation) MOLTAR: (on tape) ...the female typically eats the head and brain of the male... (rewinds) the male... (rewinds) the head... SPACE GHOST: (stops tape) Dear Lord! That's right! (flies back to desk) Sorry, Matthew, our time is up. There's a crisis, and you've got to understand, I'm a super-hero first, and a talk show host second! MATTHEW SWEET: We can be invisible together. SPACE GHOST: Nice try, but I was saving galaxies while you were still reading along with the lyrics of the Three Dog Night "Harmony" album. I think I can handle this one alone! Goodbye! (zaps Matthew off monitor) Moltar, it's time for action! We must get Zorak out of there! MOLTAR: Well, what can we do? Nature must run its course. Plus, he took the Phantom Cruiser. SPACE GHOST: But, this means certain death for Zorak! MOLTAR: I know. Uh, can I have his dressing room? SPACE GHOST: How can you think of dressing rooms at a time like this? (choir music swells) A time of great sadness. Oh, Zorak, we hardly knew ye! Yes, you were pure evil, but I learned to see the good in that. I'll miss you, my little friend who used to try and kill me. But, rest assured, you will not be forgotten! I'll always remember that vile, near-poisonous gas you would emit when you were happy. And I'll never forget lunching with you in the commissary, watching you eat ten raw chickens and drink toner from the copy machine. You loved that toner. I know! We'll have a parade! (music changes to marching band music) We'll declare a national holiday on the Ghost Planet! With wonderful floats and big balloons, and we'll all drink fizzy lemonade, and eat Neapolitan ice cream! We'll celebrate the moments of your life, Zorak! You shall not have died in vain! ZORAK: (walks across stage and returns to bandstand) SPACE GHOST: A ghost! ZORAK: Idiot! MOLTAR: Zorak? Is that really you? ZORAK: Yes! SPACE GHOST: He's back! MOLTAR: Darn! I wanted that Neapolitan ice cream. SPACE GHOST: What happened on your home planet? ZORAK: I don't wanna talk about it. MOLTAR: But you couldn't have mated. We can see your head's still attached to your body! ZORAK: I said, I don't want to talk about it! SPACE GHOST: We're all co-workers here, there's nothing you couldn't open up and tell us! Couldn't close the deal, could you? ZORAK: That wasn't the problem! MOLTAR: Then what was? I mean, we saw you leave with that lady mantis. ZORAK: That lady mantis... wasn't really a lady. SPACE GHOST: Not really a lady? Huh? Then she must have been... Wait! You were digging on a dude? ZORAK: It's not what you think. Carl is part of a male mantis resistance movement that intercedes at the moment when the urge is the worst. He lured me back to his nest, where we ate barbecue and talked sports until the urge had passed. He... saved my life, and for that, I will always be grateful. SPACE GHOST: What a remarkable story! I wonder who owns the movie rights. ZORAK: Ted Turner. SPACE GHOST: Oh well, never mind. We're just glad to have you back! ZORAK: And, I'm glad to be back. You know why? Because now, I can continue to plot my revenge against you, Space Ghost, and make every moment of your life a living heck! (evil laugh) MOLTAR: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) (Shots of other cartoon characters laughing: Jonny Quest, Hadji, Bandit, Muttly, giant creature from "Herculoids") (Credits roll, with "That Girl" music & Marlo Thomas mantis kite) ZORAK: It's not funny! SPACE GHOST: (laughs) |