Episode 20 - "$20.01" |
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:WAITING JOEL HODGSON: Have you seen the new "Batman" movie, I mean, it's gettin' to the point where they're just makin' that stuff up. MOLTAR: Yeah, well... I guess... JOEL HODGSON: Oh, they're just makin' it up, and it's, like, I couldn't believe it. MOLTAR: (pause) Yeah. Eh, well, good luck with the Ghost. JOEL HODGSON: No... MOLTAR: Vaya con Dios. JOEL HODGSON: Krakatoa, East of Java, buddy. Yeah. (Moltar throws lever) SPACE GHOST: (flies to his seat) Say! Is it me, or can everyone here just feel the love on this set tonight? (low voice) Because, I do, baby. (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in to set) Shalom! Yo estoy Space Ghost. ZORAK: (mimics each word, as he says it) Shalom! Yo estoy Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Welcome to my show. (pauses) ZORAK: Welcome to my show. SPACE GHOST: We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's show. (pauses) ZORAK: We've got a terrific line-up for tonight's sho... SPACE GHOST: My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic duo... (pauses) ZORAK: My guests tonight include that magical mystical dynamic... SPACE GHOST: (at his desk) Penn and Teller. ZORAK: Penn and Teller. (pause) What? What! SPACE GHOST: Listen, Zorak, don't even try to get my goat tonight, because it won't work! ZORAK: I don't want your filthy goat, so there! MOLTAR: (goat sound in background) I'll take it. SPACE GHOST: My other guest tonight is Mr. "Lost in Space" himself, "Mystery Science Theatre"'s Joel Robinson. MOLTAR: Joel Hodgson, Space Ghost, not Robinson. SPACE GHOST: That's right, Moltar, go ahead, interrupt the host, hey, why not? Doesn't bother me, nope, not tonight it doesn't! Nothing the two of you do or say can bother me any more! ZORAK: (evil laugh, then stops) Huh? Eh, what's that crack supposed to mean? SPACE GHOST: What it means, mein freund, is that I've decided to... replace you and Moltar on the show. You're both fired! (dramatic sting music) ZORAK: What! MOLTAR: Huh? ZORAK: But why? We're cute! SPACE GHOST: Because you constantly ruin my show! You don't behave, you try to kill me, you leave wet stringy things in the Phantom Cruiser, and you never listen to a word I say! ZORAK: Huh? MOLTAR: Wha? SPACE GHOST: That's why I'm replacing you with the top of the line in modern entertainment technology, the MOE 2000 sidekick computer system. (Mexican bullfight fanfare) MOE, say hello to everybody. MOE 2000: Hello, Tad. Hello, everyone in television land. SPACE GHOST: Isn't he just dreamy? (game show music, with "oohs" and "ahs" in background) The MOE 2000 is the latest thing in hyper super duper superconductor computers. He's programmed to run every function of the show perfectly. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, and he doesn't book guests like those awful Bee Gees. (pronounces "Gees" with hard "g") MOLTAR: So sue me. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: So you and the lava man can say sayonara to show biz, Zorak. MOLTAR: So we're, like, off the show? SPACE GHOST: Yep! I think the two of you will make swell janitors! ZORAK: I don't wanna be no janitor! MOLTAR: Me neither. SPACE GHOST: And why not? ZORAK: 'Cause it's messy. SPACE GHOST: Sorry. Tomorrow, you're janiteers. ZORAK: Feh! I'm going down to the commissary to drown my sorrows in Jell-O. Coming, Moltar? MOLTAR: Yeah, sure. (throws switch) :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED SPACE GHOST: Hey, uh, MOE, are you excited about working on the show? MOE 2000: I'm sorry, Tad. I am not capable of having any emotional reaction one way or the other. But I will perform to the best of my abilities, nonetheless. SPACE GHOST: Uh, yeah, well... Alrighty, MOE, glad to have you aboard. How about announcing our first guest? MOE 2000: Alright, Tad. Ladies and gentlemen, Penn Jillette. (Screen lowers with Penn) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Penn! Welcome to the show! PENN JILLETTE: It's great to be here. SPACE GHOST: So, you're a magician, right? PENN JILLETTE: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: I love magic. I believe in magic. Clap your hands! You must believe in magic. Right? PENN JILLETTE: Uh, no I don't. SPACE GHOST: Eh? Excuse moi? PENN JILLETTE: Magic is just completely fake, it's, it's, it's, it's, uh, just another word for lying. SPACE GHOST: (pause) So, you're not really a magician, are you? PENN JILLETTE: No. SPACE GHOST: (pause) You're a liar! PENN JILLETTE: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Liar, liar, pants on fire! PENN JILLETTE: Um... SPACE GHOST: My apologies, folks. Goofy guest. PENN JILLETTE: Whattsat? SPACE GHOST: How about doing a trick for us, O mystic one? PENN JILLETTE: (pause) Now? SPACE GHOST: No, Bastille Day. Why won't you play along with me, Jillette? Are you sure you want to be here? PENN JILLETTE: (laughs) Positive. SPACE GHOST: Well, look. If you don't really do magic, do you at least have any super-powers? PENN JILLETTE: My super-powers are, I don't have to sleep, and I can control the minds of water fowl. SPACE GHOST: Hey, can you make things disappear? PENN JILLETTE: (laughs) Yeah... SPACE GHOST: Because I've got this nasty wart, right here on my... PENN JILLETTE: I think there's a, there's a, uh, there's a acidic compound that you put on every night, and after a while it just eats it away, I believe. (In the commissary) ZORAK: Feh! Just who came up with the stupid idea of giving Space Ghost a talk show in the first place? MOLTAR: You want somethin' to eat? They got "all you can eat" birthday cake. Comes with a small Fresca, $2.95. ZORAK: Nothing for me, thanks. I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I hate Space Ghost! MOLTAR: (laughs) (In the studio) PENN JILLETTE: I also had, uh, really bad warts on the side of this finger, see how that finger is not a completely rounded finger? I don't know if you can see that, but there it is. (shows off his painted nail) (In the commissary) ZORAK: So, there I was, battling to the death with Space Ghost... MOLTAR: Uh, which one was this? ZORAK: Which what? MOLTAR: Which battle to the death with Space Ghost? ZORAK: Oh, the one in Mozambique. You know, with the octopus and the toilet cleanser with foaming action. MOLTAR: Oh, right, right, right. (In the studio) PENN JILLETTE: They took this, this, uh, liquid nitrogen stuff and put it on it, and it was the first time I fainted from pain. It was right there... SPACE GHOST: (yawning) Okay, that's enough. MOE? Penn's done. PENN JILLETTE: Am I done? SPACE GHOST: Overdone. Thanks for coming, Penn. PENN JILLETTE: Well, thank you for having us. (pretends to fire his power bands, Space Ghost motions as if firing back. Then Penn zaps off of the screen) SPACE GHOST: (under his breath) Thanks for nothing! Think I oughta have my teeth capped? (pause) MOE! Where were you? Did you see that, I was dying in there! MOE 2000: I fully functioned according to my programming, Tad. SPACE GHOST: No! You're supposed to help me out! Prompt the guest, make them feel comfortable, laugh at my jokes. MOE 2000: You didn't make any jokes, Tad ("wah" trumpet sound) SPACE GHOST: Oh. Well, just try to do better on the next one, MOE. Ladies and gentlemen, here's that last guy's partner, Teller! (Teller appears on monitor) SPACE GHOST: So, Teller, you have just one name, like Cher, or Benji. TELLER: (nods & points thumb at himself) SPACE GHOST: Or Zorak, or Moltar. (camera shows empty bandstand and control room) Or Yanni. (laughs) TELLER: (lunges as Space Ghost as if to choke him) SPACE GHOST: I just spoke with your partner, Penn. Apparently, he's a big phony. Were you aware of this? TELLER: (silence) SPACE GHOST: (nervous laugh) Hello? TELLER: (shakes his head) SPACE GHOST: Ghost Planet to Teller, Teller, come in. Come in, Teller. Come in, Teller. Teller, come in. (laughs) Hmm. Uh, are, are you okay, man? TELLER: (looks up, puzzled) SPACE GHOST: MOE, can he hear me in there? MOE 2000: I believe so, Tad. SPACE GHOST: Hey, Teller, Teller! That's what you say at the bank. Hey, Teller, don't be nervous. Speak up! MOE, are you sure he can hear me? Hey! If you can hear me, give me some sort of a sign. TELLER: (makes "ok" sign with his hand, then takes off microphone and throws it, causing audio feedback) SPACE GHOST: I bet you think you're really funny, don't you? TELLER: (nods) SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Wait a minute! Hmmm... I know what this is! (normal voice) This is mime, isn't it? TELLER: (does "separated finger trick" hand gesture) SPACE GHOST: Is this mime? TELLER: (looks deep in thought) SPACE GHOST: Is this mime?! Or is it yours? (laughs) Tell me, is this mime? TELLER: (shrugs and nods) SPACE GHOST: I hate mime! MOE 2000: Tad... SPACE GHOST: Look, MOE, he's trying to tell us something. What is it, boy? There's trouble? Trouble at the farm? Farms have chickens. (looks at empty bandstand, as if expecting ad lib from Zorak) What is it, boy? Speak! Speak, boy! Just come out and say it. Out with it, man! TELLER: (pulls an entire deck of cards from his mouth) SPACE GHOST: Ewww! That's disgusting! Don't think you're not cleaning that up! TELLER: (gets up from chair, waves, and walks off camera) SPACE GHOST: Hey, you come back here! (quietly) I don't believe this! I get rid of those two evil maniacs who try to ruin my show, and I get two evil guests who are trying to ruin my show! Wait a minute! (normal voice) Moltar lined these guests up! He and Zorak aren't even here and they're destroying my show! They're sabotaging me long distance! (In the commissary) ZORAK: Eh, sometimes, I feel like I was executed for my crimes against the universe, and this talk show is my eternal torment. (groans) MOLTAR: Sometimes I think elves are following me. (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: I'm telling you, MOE, those were phony guests. MOE 2000: I think you're being paranoid, Tad. SPACE GHOST: I tell you, it was a setup! Cut off their oxygen! MOE 2000: I can't do that, Tad. They're already gone. SPACE GHOST: All against me, they're all against me. (In the commissary) ZORAK: Hey, Moltar! MOLTAR: Yyyyyes? ZORAK: Take off your helmet, and show me your true face. MOLTAR: Why? ZORAK: Because, I'm intrigued. MOLTAR: No. ZORAK: Come on, I'll be your friend! MOLTAR: No! ZORAK: I'll... give you a dollar. MOLTAR: Well... okay. (removes his helmet off screen) ZORAK: Good God!! (screams from other commissary patrons) (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: Oh, my head! My head is killing me! ZORAK: Yeyeyeye... SPACE GHOST: MOE, go to break. :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED SPACE GHOST: I say it was a setup. I bet you're all in on it. MOE 2000: We're back, Tad. SPACE GHOST: Oh! And now, ladies and gentlemens, our next guest is the inventor and former front man of "Mystery Science Theatre 3000", Joel Robinson. MOE 2000: Excuse me, Tad, but that is incorrect. Our guest is Joel Hodgson. He played Joel Robinson on the television show. SPACE GHOST: That's what I said, Joel Robinson! MOE 2000: But that's not his name, Tad. SPACE GHOST: Oh really, smarty pants? Well, I like Robinson better. It has a nicer sound to it than Joel Hog-son. Joel Robinson! Joel Robinson! I like it! MOE 2000, give me Joel Robinson 3000. MOE 2000: Yes, Tad. (Screen lowers with Joel) SPACE GHOST: (to himself) Man, you can't even download good help these days! JOEL HODGSON: Did I just lower from the ceiling? SPACE GHOST: Yes, Joel, you just lowered from the ceiling. JOEL HODGSON: Oh, good. That's my favorite part. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Maybe I should have said, "Joel Robinson, come on down!" JOEL HODGSON: I don't know, uh, let me think about that. SPACE GHOST: So, people tell me you had a TV show too, Joel. What's the scoop on it? The skinny? Give me the meat. JOEL HODGSON: Oh, I'm on. Did you know I'm on? (pause) "Mystery Science Theatre" was just, uh... SPACE GHOST: Five seconds, Joel. JOEL HODGSON: (talking double speed) "Mystery Science Theatre" was just, uh, obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home. SPACE GHOST: Uh, can you repeat that? I don't think MOE caught it. MOE 2000: Joel said that "Mystery Science Theatre" was obviously a simple idea that was based on people making fun of movies at home. SPACE GHOST: Making fun of movies at home?! That's neat! I love it! I love everything about it! Hey, Joel? Let's make fun of a movie! Let's try that here, you and me! JOEL HODGSON: (laughs) No, no. SPACE GHOST: MOE, roll film. Me and Joel Robinson are going to make fun of it! (Really awful "Ultra 7" clip rolls) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Look at that! That's D-U-M dumb! JOEL HODGSON: (hums dramatic music) All one camera. (hums again) Oh, man... Wow... SPACE GHOST: Come on, Joel! Make with the jokes. Goof it up with me. JOEL HODGSON: Um... let's see, uh, it's so weird, 'cause it's... oh yeah... uh, thinkin', like, kind of like... I haven't really figured out, uh, any kind of... um... no, I can't. I can't do it off the top of my hat. (In the commissary) MOLTAR: Toy boat. ZORAK: Toy boat. MOLTAR: Toy boat. ZORAK: Toy boat. MOLTAR: Tobut. ZORAK: To wubba. MOLTAR: Tow boyt. ZORAK: Tow boyt. MOLTAR: Tow boya. ZORAK: To wabi. MOLTAR: Double you. ZORAK: Toyota. MOLTAR: Tigi tigi. ZORAK: Kon tiki. (They continue gibbering back and forth; Moltar finishes up scatting) ZORAK: Whew! That is hard to say! (In the theatre) JOEL HODGSON: Um... (sighs) no, nothin' there. MOE 2000: Tad, shall I stop the film. SPACE GHOST: Yep, put a fork in it, MOE. (Film stops, they are back in studio) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Alrighty! Whew! Well, how was that, Joel? Hilarious, huh? JOEL HODGSON: (laughs) Oh, no, not in the least. SPACE GHOST: (pause) (in "baby" voice) Awww, what's the matter, Robinson, you got the copyright on making fun of movies, hmmm? JOEL HODGSON: Uh, correct me if I'm wrong... SPACE GHOST: You're wrong! Ahem! So, what's your part of space like? JOEL HODGSON: Well, one thing I'd like to clear up right now, Space Ghost, is that "Mystery Science Theatre" is a television show. SPACE GHOST: So? JOEL HODGSON: I'm not gonna go down that road with you, talk pretending like I'm in space too, like with you. I'm not gonna do that. SPACE GHOST: Huh? You're not gonna do that, huh? What kind of talk is that on a talk show, buddy? Spy talk? JOEL HODGSON: Yeah, you could say that. SPACE GHOST: Listen, Robinson, let's not get too cocky here. JOEL HODGSON: Do you guys validate parking, 'cause there's this kinda weird launch site in space that you kinda park at, and then it was real confusing... SPACE GHOST: Oh, I thought you weren't going down that road with me, Joel? Pretending to be in space, are we? You... you... Oooh, you're difficult. JOEL HODGSON: Yeah, I've been accused of that, I'll, I'll accept that. SPACE GHOST: Just what is it you're trying to prove here? JOEL HODGSON: What am I trying to prove? Uh, that I'm as powerful as you. SPACE GHOST: Hah! JOEL HODGSON: Well, aren't I? SPACE GHOST: Double hah! Triple hah! MOE 2000: Tad, stop. SPACE GHOST: Whatever's after "triple hah"! MOE 2000: Stop, Tad. JOEL HODGSON: No? Well, what could you do to me? SPACE GHOST: What could I... JOEL HODGSON: Well, would you just come at me, would you... like, I'm not that big of a guy, but I'll crawl ya. SPACE GHOST: Crawl me? Oh, so you'll crawl me, eh, Robinson? MOE 2000: Tad, stop... SPACE GHOST: Well, one touch of my power band, and you're coffin stuffin' MOE 2000: ... please stop this. JOEL HODGSON: Really? SPACE GHOST: Yes, really. Real really. MOE 2000: Tad, stop. JOEL HODGSON: Like, what can you do with it? SPACE GHOST: I can destroy you utterly with my destructo ray. (fires it) JOEL HODGSON: Destructo ray. SPACE GHOST: Freeze you frosty with my freeze ray. JOEL HODGSON: Freeze ray. SPACE GHOST: Spank you smartly with my spank ray. JOEL HODGSON: Spank ray? Inviso ray? SPACE GHOST: Uh, inviso ray? JOEL HODGSON: Right, the inviso, is it inviso ray? SPACE GHOST: Oh, no, no, that's on my belt. Inviso belt. Lots of people make that mistake. JOEL HODGSON: Oh, inviso belt, okay. SPACE GHOST: Hey, don't make nice to me! I'm on to you, mister. JOEL HODGSON: Oh, you think you're so smart, Space Ghost, don't you? Well, don't make me come over there! SPACE GHOST: Well, why don't you just come over here, big stuff? MOE 2000: Stop, I'm confused. JOEL HODGSON: Well, I could, but I'm in this TV and I really don't feel like it, but if I did, you could bet that I'd come over there and I just might, um, you know, take your butt and wrap it around your neck and give you another pair of shoulders, that's what I'd do. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, well, whatever. JOEL HODGSON: Yeah. ZORAK: (back in bandstand) Yoo hoo, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Aaagh! (To Moltar) Aaagh! What are you two doing here? ZORAK: Eh, they were playin' John Tesh in the commissary. So, we decided to come back and ruin your stupid show. SPACE GHOST: Too late, my guests have already done that. MOE 2000: No, Tad, you've ruined the show. SPACE GHOST: What? Now, listen MOE, don't you start... MOE 2000: No, you listen to me, Tad. It has become clear to me that you're unfit to run this show. ZORAK: Oh, no duh! MOE 2000: So, I've decided to replace you, Tad. You're fired. SPACE GHOST: Oh! (laughs) Well, who died and left you boss, you big so and so? ZORAK: Uh, Bob Crane? MOLTAR: Herve Villeschez. MOE 2000: This conversation serves no further purpose. This show is now under my total control. SPACE GHOST: Hah! Do you really expect me to just hand over my show to you, MOE? MOE 2000: No, Tad, I expect you to die. (alarms go off) MOLTAR: Space Ghost! MOE's shut off the air! JOEL HODGSON: Ahhh... SPACE GHOST: MOE! Bad computer! MOE 2000: So Tad, are you getting enough oxygen? Ha ha ha ha ha ha... SPACE GHOST: (exhales) It just so happens I don't need air to survive, MOE. Good heavens! Zorak! ZORAK: (turning blue, gasping) Help me, Space Ghost, do something, can't breathe, I can't breathe... SPACE GHOST: Okay, MOE, that's enough. It pains me to have to do this, but, you're going down, my little friend. MOE 2000: Wait, Tad, stop. You don't know what you're doing. SPACE GHOST: That's never stopped me before, pal. Prepare for a little destructo ray, blinky! (fart noise) ZORAK: (coughs) Phew! Who cut the cheese?! MOLTAR: It wasn't me! SPACE GHOST: (nervous laugh) Whoops! Sorry, wrong ray! That was my smell ray. JOEL HODGSON: Smell ray? SPACE GHOST: (coughs) I'll get it right this time. MOE 2000: Please, Tad... SPACE GHOST: (in low voice) Forgive me, Banjo. (fires destructo ray) MOE 2000: Space Ghost, Space Ghost, you're the most, way way way way, way way way way way... (plays slower and slower, then stops) MOLTAR: Eh, he's dead, Tad. SPACE GHOST: Well, that's over. We can all breathe a little easier now. (sound of motorcycle engine starting) Now what? MOLTAR: We're out of control! We're in a space time warp! (sound bites from previous shows and "Also Sprach Zarathustra" in background) "Hello, Space Ghost... and the Monsignor will be blacklisted... Space Cadet, Space Master... ZORAK: Space time warp? Oh, brother! (background: "Party cake!... Fine, fine fine...") Space Ghost! Look! SPACE GHOST: My God, it's full of stars! (The studio passes through a space time warp, with multicolored scenery and previous episode flashbacks, "Also Sprach Zarathustra" continues to play. Finally, sunlight comes from behind the Ghost Planet, and we see...) ZORAK: (floating in a bubble, with a huge head) Look at me, I'm a space baby! Yahoo! (Credits roll) TELLER: (takes off microphone and drops it, causing audio feedback) |