Episode 21 - "Lovesick" |
|
|
:WAITING (In the commissary) ZORAK: (big slurp from coffee cup) Mmmm! SPACE GHOST: (head in his hands) My... girlfriend and I... broke up last weekend. ZORAK: Good! What's her number? SPACE GHOST: Miss Nesbitt, my one true love... While I was saving civilization and talking to Gilligan, Miss Nesbitt was busy finding herself another super-hero! ZORAK: I saw him! SPACE GHOST: Who? ZORAK: The new guy. SPACE GHOST: You did not! ZORAK: Mmmm. Quite handsome. Not like you. He's a lawyer and a doctor, but he's sensitive. And a good kisser! SPACE GHOST: Ohhhhhh! (groans) ZORAK: Oh! Space Ghost! I forgot to tell you something. SPACE GHOST: (perks up) You did? What? ZORAK: Miss Nesbitt called. SPACE GHOST: Miss Nesbitt called? When? Why didn't you get me? ZORAK: You were in the bathroom. SPACE GHOST: Ah, my beautiful Miss Nesbitt called, for me. (smile sparkles) ZORAK: Yeah, to say you're still broken up. SPACE GHOST: D'oh! ZORAK: (laughs) MOLTAR: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Like you guys are such prizes? MOLTAR: Well, I am fairly evil, but, uh, I've been happily married to my beautiful wife Linda, for over six years now. SPACE GHOST: Grrrrr... MOLTAR: What'd I say? SPACE GHOST: (fires destructo ray at Moltar) ZORAK: Hey, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: He was getting on my nerves. ZORAK: That was the first time you've blown him up. SPACE GHOST: I'm not doing the show tonight. ZORAK: Mmm, Carrot Top is on. SPACE GHOST: Nooooo! Carrot Top? I can't handle Carrot Top tonight! (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in to set - sounding dejected) Greetings... I'm Space Ghost... On tonight's program... we have comedian Carrot Top... and comedian Carrot Top... Now, play me to the desk, Zorak, I guess. (Zorak plays him to the desk) Please welcome... Carrot Top. (Screen lowers with Carrot Top) CARROT TOP: Heyyyy! It's the Hair Bear Bunch! (sings ditty, playing with his hair) Hello! SPACE GHOST: Hello. CARROT TOP: (looks to both sides, starts humming "Jetsons" theme song) Here comes Ted Turner... Jane, his wife. (plays with his hair and growls) I'm having too much fun, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Please stop yelling. CARROT TOP: (plays with his hair some more) Can you do that, Space Ghost? Come on, try it! SPACE GHOST: (quietly) No. CARROT TOP: Come on, you big super-powered man! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Okay, let's just get this over with. CARROT TOP: No one's watching, what time's this thing come on? SPACE GHOST: Night time. CARROT TOP: Yeah, is there a certain... SPACE GHOST: Night time. CARROT TOP: Does space have the same time zones... SPACE GHOST: Night time. CARROT TOP: Yeah, okay, cool... I love your show, it was so funny! SPACE GHOST: Yeah. CARROT TOP: I love this show! You are the king, you're the king of late night. SPACE GHOST: That's nice. CARROT TOP: (laughs) I like you, Space Ghost. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Oh. Loser. CARROT TOP: Ouch! Space Ghost, be nice to me. SPACE GHOST: Of course, of course, of course, of course. CARROT TOP: Greetings, Carrot Top. SPACE GHOST: Okay, greetings, Carrot Top. CARROT TOP: Welcome... SPACE GHOST: ... to the show. CARROT TOP: Yeah, right on. It's good to be here. SPACE GHOST: Uh... so... CARROT TOP: Why do they call me Carrot Top? SPACE GHOST: Yeah. CARROT TOP: 'Cause all the good ones were taken. SPACE GHOST: Like "loser". CARROT TOP: Hootie. SPACE GHOST: Hootie? CARROT TOP: I wanted to be Hootie. Hootie! Say it, it's fun. Hootie! SPACE GHOST: Uh, Hootie. ZORAK: Hootie? MOLTAR: Hootie? CARROT TOP: Hootie! Isn't that fun? MOLTAR: Hootie! ZORAK: Hootie! CARROT TOP: Ladies and gentlemen, Hootie! ZORAK: Hootie! MOLTAR: Hootie? SPACE GHOST: (invisos out) I can't do this. CARROT TOP: Everyone should be Hootie! ZORAK: Hootie! MOLTAR: Hootie? CARROT TOP: I wish I was Hootie. Maybe I will be Hootie. Maybe I'll change my name to Hootie. ZORAK: Hey, look! There's Miss Nesbitt! SPACE GHOST: (invisos back in) Where's Miss Nesbitt? Where's Miss Nesbitt? ZORAK: Oh, I meant, there's Christy! Did I say "Miss Nesbitt"? (laughs) Sorry. There's Christy. (Christy plays the drums) SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Anything else, Carrot? CARROT TOP: What am I workin' on these days? SPACE GHOST: Okay, what are you working on these days? CARROT TOP: Oh, a TV, a TV show, I have my own show. SPACE GHOST: How exciting. CARROT TOP: (pause) You ever take a whole big bottle of mouthwash and just guzzle it all the way down? SPACE GHOST: No... ZORAK: Miss Nesbitt does, before she kisses the new guy! SPACE GHOST: (motions as if he is going to zap Zorak with destructo ray, then stops) ZORAK: (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: (with despair) Just forget it! What's the use? (sobs) CARROT TOP: Where has this interview gone? MOLTAR: (in control room) The toilet, as usual. (throws lever, screen shows "CHiPs" car crash scene) Sweet, beautiful CHiPs! CARROT TOP: Let's start over. SPACE GHOST: (stops sobbing) That's what I told her. I said, "Give me another chance. I can do it! I just need one more chance." CARROT TOP: Um... did we miss a question? SPACE GHOST: You tell me, Sparky. CARROT TOP: Um... no. SPACE GHOST: No then. CARROT TOP: What, have you been drinking, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Yes, Carrot, I have been drinking... I drink from the well of eternal sadness... CARROT TOP: Really? SPACE GHOST: Eternal, bottomless pit of blackest despondency. CARROT TOP: (crying) Can we just move on? SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Oh, Carrot, I don't know if I'll ever be able to 'move on.' It might take a week, it might take a year. It might take longer. She told me she needs space. I said, "That's me! I'm Space! Space Ghost!" It's very dark, and very cold. It's so very cold in space. CARROT TOP: They film "Star Trek" there. I used to live there. SPACE GHOST: Coooold... coooold... CARROT TOP: It's very dark, it's very cold... SPACE GHOST: It's... very... dark... and... very... cold... CARROT TOP: (gasps, with hands by his mouth) Okay, okay... SPACE GHOST: Ohhh... Carrot, it's, it's time for you to go. CARROT TOP: That's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna start wearing tights. SPACE GHOST: Tights, uh huh. CARROT TOP: Picture me in tights. Just for a second. SPACE GHOST: Okay. Time to go. Uh, thank you for having me on? CARROT TOP: Hey, right on. Good to be here. SPACE GHOST: I'm welcome. CARROT TOP: (making power band gesture) How do you do that? (makes gesture again) SPACE GHOST: Try this. (makes gesture over and over rapidly with both hands) ZORAK: Hold on, wait a minute, wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on! Wait, wait, NO! SPACE GHOST: (zaps Zorak with destructo ray) CARROT TOP: I like Zorak. Chill out. ZORAK: Yeah, chill out! SPACE GHOST: Whatever. Go play with Moltar. CARROT TOP: (coughs) SPACE GHOST: (zaps Carrot Top off the monitor) MOLTAR: (in control room, watching "CHiPs" car crash scene) Yes! Yes! Cool! (Carrot Top appears on Moltar's monitor) Hey, what gives? I'm tryin' to watch "CHiPs"! Get out of here, you freak! (throws lever) :INTERRUPT FEED :START FEED SPACE GHOST: Anybody call for me during the break? (Screen lowers with Star Lady the cow) SPACE GHOST: Please welcome my next guest. STAR LADY: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Hi, how are you today? STAR LADY: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Are... you comfortable? STAR LADY: (silence) CARROT TOP: (in control room) (laughs) "Mommy, there's some frightening man on TV!" There's one of these scenes where they cut to him, and he's going, (makes a face) they cut to me and I'm going, (makes a face) I cut to him and he's going, (makes a face), he cuts to me and I'm going... MOLTAR: Look, will you shut up? I was trying to watch "CHiPs"! CARROT TOP: I love "CHiPs". My favorite episode of "CHiPs" is when they're chasin' down that freeway, and they have that big car pile-up, when that car went fwoosh!, off the side of that truck... MOLTAR: Yeah, I saw that one. I like the one where... CARROT TOP: And they always had, like, had that episode where they had a fight with the captain... MOLTAR: And when Leif Garrett was in the limo, sleeping, and then his car crashed, but he was okay, and then every, then everyone got free tickets to his concert. CARROT TOP: ... someone said "Look out!", all the cars are flying all over like this, remember that? MOLTAR: Uh, no. CARROT TOP: The best episode was when they were on the island, and they almost got off but Gilligan messed the whole thing up. (pause) I look like Reba McEntire, I just realized. Maybe that's what I'll call my book, "Reba", that way we'll sell a lot of copies of it. I used to love Reba... MOLTAR: (throws switch, putting "CHipS" back on) Whoa! SPACE GHOST: (in studio) So I said, "How much time do you want?" And she said, "Oh, so now you have time for me!" STAR LADY: (silence) SPACE GHOST: So it's like, I mean, how am I supposed to answer a question like that? (scoots chair closer to monitor) Look, I mean, it is my fault, and it isn't! Y'know? Sure, I had my chance to say certain things, tell her how pretty her hair smelled, pinch her cheek, things like that. Take her to the mall... But you know, work and all. STAR LADY: (silence) SPACE GHOST: There's a lot of crime out there, and I'm just one guy. The mall will always be there! She knows that! Oh, well, what are ya gonna do? ZORAK: Hey, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Too young for me anyway... ZORAK: Space Ghost! You're talking to a cow! She can't talk! Don't you know any... STAR LADY: Hey, listen, buster! I've just about had all I can take of you! ZORAK: (stares in shock, his eyes bug out) STAR LADY: I don't need this, I'm a cow! I got things to do! Hey, can't you hear me through that hood? I guess not, since there's no earholes! Who ever heard of a fifteen minute talk show anyway? Come on, man! You lost the teens, those were the whole appeal of the show! Jan and Jace, they were it! The monkey, he was it! You? Nothin'! You bring in this bug, and this beekeeper! A, a beekeeper! And those crappy guests! Come on! Get some real celebrities! Burt Reynolds! Other super-heroes have secret identities! Not you! We know your name's Tad, nobody knows what your face looks like! Batman? Bruce Wayne! Superman? Clark Kent! Aquaman? Well, who gives a crap, anyway? Really! And this set! The planet's turning, it ain't turning, And what's with the cape? I mean, it serves no purpose! What, are cape's gonna look good in space? The cape's gonna look... like crap in space! There, okay? I said it! What, do you need a cape to host a talk show? I mean, really! And the bug! I mean, what's with the vest? It's red, it's blue, it's orange! Who can tell? Who cares? Nobody cares! I mean, give us all a break! You think it's cool to have no pupils! Just so you can look like Batman or somethin'! No wonder Miss Nesbitt left you! |