Episode 44 - "Brilliant Number One" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in the commissary; SG squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug) SPACE GHOST: (putting his head down) Idiot. MOLTAR: (clears his throat) SPACE GHOST: (laughs to himself) (Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; ambient musical intro swells in background) MOLTAR: Hello? ZORAK: (slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics) SPACE GHOST: DANNYYYYYYY! ZORAK: (stares back wide-eyed) SPACE GHOST: Danny boyyyyyy! MOLTAR: (laughs quietly) SPACE GHOST: (in belch voice) Zorak doesn't have a work ethic. MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, it's great. ZORAK: (stares back with big anime eyes) SPACE GHOST: I'm not gonna hurt yah. MOLTAR: Freak. ZORAK: (still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek) (Alternate opening theme & titles) Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken Rammstein! Rammstein, Rammstein, Rammstein, Rammstein! SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man? ZORAK: (nods) (Studio hum is replaced by droning sound) SPACE GHOST: Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Her tongue will not obey her heart, nor can ZORAK: (shakes his head) SPACE GHOST: Technical problems? Everything... fine. ZORAK: BAM! SPACE GHOST: Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow! ZORAK: Yeah! Gotcha! SPACE GHOST: (lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of... The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun! ZORAK: Eh, I beg your pardon? SPACE GHOST: You know, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: her heart inform her tongue; the swan's-down feather ZORAK: Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back) SPACE GHOST: (studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine. ZORAK: (stares back) SPACE GHOST: (his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: That stands upon the swell at the full of tide. ZORAK: BAM! SPACE GHOST: (hits himself again) Ohh! ZORAK: BAM! SPACE GHOST: (hits himself again) Mmmph! ZORAK: BAM! MOLTAR: Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:) 1 Index: PARANOIA 559, 590 SPACE GHOST: (hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril? MOLTAR: Heh... No! SPACE GHOST: (Hmmm, I fear the Subliminator has taken control of Moltar's mind.) ZORAK: Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: And neither way inclines. SPACE GHOST: Zorak! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice) Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Zorak with destructo ray) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: II ZORAK: (crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig. SPACE GHOST: That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk) ZORAK: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: (writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: But as I travailed hinder through the land. PETER FONDA: Peter. SPACE GHOST: Peter what? PETER FONDA: Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times... WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I find the people strangely fantasied. SPACE GHOST: Oh-kay, hotshot... PETER FONDA: Sir? SPACE GHOST: What's your real name. PETER FONDA: Peter Fonda. SPACE GHOST: (reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law. PETER FONDA: Hee hee hee. SPACE GHOST: Y'know what? You've got it goin' on. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Possessed with rumors, full of idle dreams, PETER FONDA: What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger? ZORAK: I have a booger? Where? PETER FONDA: (pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger? ZORAK: Eh, where the heck would I have a booger? PETER FONDA: You see this, Moltar, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:) 2 Index: S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146 MOLTAR: Hey, you gonna get me in trouble. ZORAK: I just don't get it. MOLTAR: Stop it! ZORAK: I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Not knowing what they fear, but full of fear. SPACE GHOST: Stop saying "boogers"! ZORAK: (in background) Ah, poop! PETER FONDA: I'm sorry, Ghost Man... SPACE GHOST: That's fine. PETER FONDA: I didn't mean to... SPACE GHOST: That's, that's nice. PETER FONDA: (pointing to Zorak) You know, they eat their... ZORAK: Shut up! PETER FONDA: Well, (makes mantis hand gesture) to you too! ZORAK: Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: III SPACE GHOST: (in low voice) Zorak, please. ZORAK: You're freakin' me out! SPACE GHOST: (in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here? PETER FONDA: I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing... SPACE GHOST: Yeah yeah yeah. PETER FONDA: Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of eyes on Space Ghost? (Hand with pencil appears on screen, draws two tiny off-center pupils on Space Ghost) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Momentary as a sound, SPACE GHOST: Ow! Ow, my eye. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.) ZORAK: Draw him with huge buttocks! (Shot of Space Ghost standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks) SPACE GHOST: (What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Swift as a shadow, short as any dream, ZORAK: (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: (returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh! ZORAK: Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks? SPACE GHOST: (glares back silently) ZORAK: Hey! I'm talkin' to you! SPACE GHOST: You're evil. ZORAK: (laughs) PETER FONDA: Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes mantis hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up... WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Brief as the lightning in the collied night, ZORAK: (laughs) PETER FONDA: Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here! SPACE GHOST: Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth, ZORAK: (takes out laser rifle, cocks it) PETER FONDA: Watch it. SPACE GHOST: (gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone. PETER FONDA: Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know... ZORAK: Who put that junk in your head!? PETER FONDA: Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Space Ghost bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me? ZORAK: Answer the question! PETER FONDA: You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born. SPACE GHOST: Uh, Moltar, do you know what they are? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: And ere a man hath power to say "Behold!" MOLTAR: Shhhhh! Not now! PETER FONDA: (laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born." SPACE GHOST: Moltar, I'd like to get some coffee. MOLTAR: Can this wait? PETER FONDA: You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?" WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: The jaws of darkness do devour it up: SPACE GHOST: (looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood? PETER FONDA: I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years. MOLTAR: (at Space Ghost's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off) SPACE GHOST: What's your problem? MOLTAR: Get off my back! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: So quick bright things come to confusion. SPACE GHOST: Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh! PETER FONDA: Yikes! SPACE GHOST: (with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Polisher! ZORAK: (off-camera) How's your butt? INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION PETER FONDA: Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: IV MOLTAR: "Ant suit"? SPACE GHOST: (Wait a minute...) PETER FONDA: I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope, SPACE GHOST: (I've heard all this before...) PETER FONDA: But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"... MOLTAR: What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:) 4 Index: Tryptophan 152 SPACE GHOST: (How could I be so stupid?) PETER FONDA: There's mites all around me, Ghost Man, get rid of them! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Whith what I most enjoy contented least. SPACE GHOST: (Mites.) MOLTAR: Mites? Ewww! PETER FONDA: Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites! SPACE GHOST: (That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.) PETER FONDA: Moltar, get the lava. (monitor shows text:) 5 Index: Aversion Conditioning 602 WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: V MOLTAR: Uh uh. ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. SPACE GHOST: Don't get the lava. ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. MOLTAR: How about I forget it. SPACE GHOST: We don't need the lava, do we, Peter? ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. SPACE GHOST: 'Cause you're not Peter... PETER FONDA: What the hey... SPACE GHOST: Are ya, Peter? (aims his power band) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: My heart is heavy and mine age is weak; PETER FONDA: Odin! SPACE GHOST: Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs) ZORAK: That's a, that's nice work, chump! SPACE GHOST: Say what? ZORAK: You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Grief would have tears, and sorrow bids me speak. SPACE GHOST: You're so naive. MOLTAR: Na�ve. SPACE GHOST: Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?! ZORAK: Eh... SPACE GHOST: I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours. ZORAK: Okay. MOLTAR: It's "na�ve"! (monitor shows:) 6 Index: Lie Detection 340-365 WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: VI SPACE GHOST: What about it? MOLTAR: (groans) SPACE GHOST: Okay, what's next? MOLTAR: Uh... Buzz. SPACE GHOST: Are... you sure it's Buzz? MOLTAR: You Buzz? BUZZ ALDRIN: (in lower right corner of Moltar's monitor) Yes, I believe I am. MOLTAR: It's Buzz! SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Send him in. BUZZ ALDRIN: (appears on studio monitor) Greetings! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I tell my sorrow to the stones, SPACE GHOST: (long pause) So, why should I talk to you? BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: VII ZORAK: (mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit? BUZZ ALDRIN: A praying mantis. MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit. BUZZ ALDRIN: Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:) 8 Index: Agoraphobia 563, 618 WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ZORAK: Ooooh, no!! MOLTAR: Oooh, don't let the meteorites get me, Zorak! ZORAK: I'll protect ya, buddy! SPACE GHOST: So, "Buzz", if that's your real name... BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young... WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Creeps in this petty pace from day to day. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you! BUZZ ALDRIN: Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either. SPACE GHOST: I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: To the last syllable of recorded time; BUZZ ALDRIN: Oh, you bet. SPACE GHOST: Did you ever look on the Ghost Planet? Where I live! BUZZ ALDRIN: Ghost Planet, I don't believe I have, what's it like? ZORAK: (off-camera) It's no Moon. SPACE GHOST: Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"? WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: All our yesterdays have lighted fools BUZZ ALDRIN: Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy? SPACE GHOST: That's right, play dumb! BUZZ ALDRIN: Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy? SPACE GHOST: Come on, Aldrin! I'm smarter than that! BUZZ ALDRIN: Well, that's obvious. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! SPACE GHOST: Owww! MOLTAR: Now what? (monitor shows:) 10 Index: Representational ????sight 486 SPACE GHOST: Oh, nothing. Just another villain! BUZZ ALDRIN: Villains, oh. SPACE GHOST: It's been happening all night. They're ruthless. BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player SPACE GHOST: Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Confusatron. BUZZ ALDRIN: (chuckles) No. SPACE GHOST: He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: That struts and frets his hour upon the stage BUZZ ALDRIN: Oh. How can he do that? SPACE GHOST: I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now. BUZZ ALDRIN: How can he get inside your brain? SPACE GHOST: You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his destructo ray) BUZZ ALDRIN: (moans) WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: And then is heard no more. It is a tale ZORAK: So, there were two Confusatrons. SPACE GHOST: Obviously. ZORAK: Riiight! MOLTAR: Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury SPACE GHOST: Yes sir. (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:) 11 Index: Neuromodulators 136, 153 MOLTAR: That's it, I've had it! You're wacked! ZORAK: Yeah! MOLTAR: You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:) 13 THE END IS NEAR ZORAK: BAM! You made up an enemy! WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Signifying nothing. SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators! MOLTAR: That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room) (Credits roll) SPACE GHOST: That's right, run away, you Pretendinators! MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off) SPACE GHOST: That's right, run to Momma! ZORAK: Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt? SPACE GHOST: You want some of this, Zorak?! Or should I say, Improvimantitron? MOLTAR: Whatever. SPACE GHOST: Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo... (repeats during remainder of credits) VOICE: Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Yoolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloolooloo... (crack!) ... I don't know... |