Episode 44b - "Brilliant Number Two" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in the commissary; SG squeaks his fingers on his coffee mug) SPACE GHOST: (putting his head down) Idiot. MOLTAR: (clears his throat) SPACE GHOST: (laughs to himself) (Screen squishes down to letter-box format, and fades to black & white; ambient musical intro swells in background) MOLTAR: Hello? ZORAK: (slurps his coffee, over German background lyrics) SPACE GHOST: DANNYYYYYYY! ZORAK: (stares back wide-eyed) SPACE GHOST: Danny boyyyyyy! MOLTAR: (laughs quietly) SPACE GHOST: (in belch voice) Zorak doesn't have a work ethic. MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, it's great. ZORAK: (stares back with big anime eyes) SPACE GHOST: I'm not gonna hurt yah. MOLTAR: Freak. ZORAK: (still with anime eyes, a tear rolls down his cheek) (Alternate opening theme & titles) Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken Rammstein! Rammstein, Rammstein, Rammstein, Rammstein! SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. On my show tonight, Ted Turner's brother-in-law, Peter Fonda. Uh, he had a mother whose aunt knew the singing gorilla man? ZORAK: (nods) (Studio hum is replaced by droning sound) SPACE GHOST: Are you guys like hearing a weird rumble? W. S. MERWIN: It happens that the tv show is tired of being a tv show. ZORAK: (shakes his head) SPACE GHOST: Technical problems? Everything... fine. ZORAK: BAM! SPACE GHOST: Aaagh!! (falls down) Ow! ZORAK: Yeah! Gotcha! SPACE GHOST: (lying on floor) No you didn't. (stands up) This is the work of... The Polisher. Dun dun da dun! Dun dun da dun! W. S. MERWIN: It happens that the tv show goes to the tailors' shops and the movies ZORAK: Eh, I beg your pardon? SPACE GHOST: You know, The Polisher. He polishes things until they're slippery and, and makes ya fall an' stuff. W. S. MERWIN: all shriveled up, impenetrable, like a felt swan ZORAK: Uh... huh. (rolls his eyes back) SPACE GHOST: (studio floor sparkles) Hey, look at the shine. ZORAK: (stares back) SPACE GHOST: (his reflection, with strange eyes) Oooh, Daddy wants a shine too, doesn't he, wittle Woobie? (breathing heavy) The shine, the shine, no, no, no, no, ye-, aaaaagh! (hits himself in the face with his hand) Aaaah! W. S. MERWIN: navigating on a water of origin and ash. ZORAK: BAM! W. S. MERWIN: The smell of barber shops makes the tv show sob out loud. SPACE GHOST: (hits himself again) Ohh! ZORAK: BAM! SPACE GHOST: (hits himself again) Mmmph! ZORAK: BAM! MOLTAR: Hey, Woobie, when you're done smackin' yourself, the guest is ready. (monitor shows text:) 1 Index: PARANOIA 559, 590 SPACE GHOST: (hand still over his face) Can't you see I'm in peril? MOLTAR: Heh... No! SPACE GHOST: (Hmmm, I fear the Subliminator has taken control of Moltar's mind.) W. S. MERWIN: The tv show wants nothing but the repose either of stones or of wool. ZORAK: Aaaaghhh! (starts vibrating back and forth rapidly) SPACE GHOST: Zorak! You are being consumed by... Vibratronica! (instrumental rock music, with drag racing commercial announcer voice) W. S. MERWIN: The tv show wants to see no more establishments, no more gardens, SPACE GHOST: Sunday! Sunday! See Vibratronica set fire to the stands and burn a hole of effigy through the walls. (normal voice) I'll save you! (blasts Zorak with destructo ray) W. S. MERWIN: nor merchandise, nor glasses, nor elevators. ZORAK: (crisped) (coughs) Thanks a lot! I was just doin' a jig. SPACE GHOST: That's just what she wants you to think. (slides back to his desk) ZORAK: Yeah. W. S. MERWIN: It happens that the tv show is tired of it's feet and it's nails SPACE GHOST: (writing at his desk) (Those were close calls, why are my old enemies coming back to taunt me? Why today? Why now? Why? Why? Why?) (holding his head in his hand) (gnashes his teeth) What's your name? W. S. MERWIN: and it's hair and it's shadow. PETER FONDA: Peter. SPACE GHOST: Peter what? PETER FONDA: Sometimes Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Mummy's little Petey Boy, not very many times... W. S. MERWIN: It happens that the tv show is tired of being a tv show. SPACE GHOST: Oh-kay, hotshot... PETER FONDA: Sir? SPACE GHOST: What's your real name. PETER FONDA: Peter Fonda. SPACE GHOST: (reading his index card) Ahem! Ted's brother-in-law. PETER FONDA: Hee hee hee. W. S. MERWIN: Just the same it would be delicious SPACE GHOST: Y'know what? You've got it goin' on. PETER FONDA: What's that you got? Check... booger, is that a booger? ZORAK: I have a booger? Where? PETER FONDA: (pointing to his nose) Have I got a booger? ZORAK: Eh, where the heck would I have a booger? W. S. MERWIN: to scare a notary with a cut lily PETER FONDA: You see this, Moltar, is it, am I cool? (keeps talking in background, monitor shows text:) 2 Index: S? -Brain Studies 140-143, 146 MOLTAR: Hey, you gonna get me in trouble. ZORAK: I just don't get it. MOLTAR: Stop it! ZORAK: I don't have boogers! Hey! Where's the booger? SPACE GHOST: Stop saying "boogers"! ZORAK: (in background) Ah, poop! PETER FONDA: I'm sorry, Ghost Man... SPACE GHOST: That's fine. PETER FONDA: I didn't mean to... SPACE GHOST: That's, that's nice. W. S. MERWIN: or knock a (blurred) stone cold (blurred) with one (blurred) of an ear. PETER FONDA: (pointing to Zorak) You know, they eat their... ZORAK: Shut up! PETER FONDA: Well, (makes mantis hand gesture) to you too! ZORAK: Hey, buddy, what's wrong with your arms? W. S. MERWIN: It would be beautiful SPACE GHOST: (in low voice) Zorak, please. ZORAK: You're freakin' me out! SPACE GHOST: (in low voice) This is Ted's uncle-in-law! (normal voice, to Peter) What're you doin' here? PETER FONDA: I'm, I'm just warmin' up, you know, I'm doin' my thing... SPACE GHOST: Yeah yeah yeah. W. S. MERWIN: to go through the streets with a green knife PETER FONDA: Could we get a graphic artist out here just to draw a couple of eyes on Space Ghost? (Hand with pencil appears on screen, draws two tiny off-center pupils on Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Ow! Ow, my eye. (pupils start moving around strangely) Hey, I can't see anything! (Now I'll never again experience the beauties of the universe.) W. S. MERWIN: shouting until the tv show died of cold. ZORAK: Draw him with huge buttocks! (Shot of Space Ghost standing; hand with pencil returns & gives him huge buttocks) SPACE GHOST: (What is he talking about?) (looks at his back side) Oh, for Pete's sake! ZORAK: (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: (returns to desk and sits down) Ohhh! W. S. MERWIN: The tv show does not want to go on being a root in the dark, ZORAK: Hey... Hey, how's your buttocks? SPACE GHOST: (glares back silently) ZORAK: Hey! I'm talkin' to you! SPACE GHOST: You're evil. ZORAK: (laughs) PETER FONDA: Every time I look at him, he's doing this (makes mantis hand gesture) at me, and it gets me very nervous, you know, I don't like this, I want him to sit down, shut up... W. S. MERWIN: hesitating, stretched out, shivering with dreams, ZORAK: (laughs) PETER FONDA: Would you.. stand.. still? We're working here! W. S. MERWIN: downwards, in the wet tripe of the earth, SPACE GHOST: Aaaaghhhh! My foot's asleep! (flies through ceiling) (in background) Come on, foot, come on! Ow! Come on, foot. ZORAK: (takes out laser rifle, cocks it) PETER FONDA: Watch it. SPACE GHOST: (gunshot) (something something) it wasn't a microphone. PETER FONDA: Well, I know what it's like to be dead. You know... W. S. MERWIN: soaking it up, and thinking, eating every day, ZORAK: Who put that junk in your head!? PETER FONDA: Who, who put all that stuff in my head? (Space Ghost bounds back to his desk) Are you kidding me? ZORAK: Answer the question! PETER FONDA: You know, you're making me feel like I haven't been born. SPACE GHOST: Uh, Moltar, do you know what they are? W. S. MERWIN: The tv show does not want to be the inhieritor of so many misfortunes. MOLTAR: Shhhhh! Not now! PETER FONDA: (laughs) Well, she said, "I know what it's like to be dead." And I said "Well, who put all that stuff in your head, you know, you're makin' me feel like I've never been born." SPACE GHOST: Moltar, I'd like to get some coffee. MOLTAR: Can this wait? W. S. MERWIN: The tv show does not want to continue as a root and as a tomb, PETER FONDA: You see, when I was a boy, and everything's riiiight, my parents would start telling, "Why don't you act like a grown-up?" SPACE GHOST: (looking like Dr. Katz, writing as he talks) What does this tell us about your childhood? PETER FONDA: I learned that the best way to keep my parents off my back, is to act like a grown-up. But I've been eight for fifty-six years. W. S. MERWIN: as a solitary tunnel, as a cellar full of corpses, MOLTAR: (at Space Ghost's desk) (slam!) Here's your stinkin' coffee! (walks off) SPACE GHOST: What's your problem? MOLTAR: Get off my back! SPACE GHOST: Oh, thanks... Crabbatron! Now, that's... (splash!) AAaaaaaahhhhh! W. S. MERWIN: W. S. Merwin PETER FONDA: Yikes! SPACE GHOST: (with coffee spill on his desk) Oh, man! Spiller, you weasel! Aaaahh! (falls down, off-camera) Confound you, Polisher! ZORAK: (off-camera) How's your butt? INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION PETER FONDA: Nowadays, space is here, time is now, you know... it's all, alright, now I understand the mantis guy, but who's the guy in the ant suit? W. S. MERWIN: For this reason Monday burns like oil, MOLTAR: "Ant suit"? SPACE GHOST: (Wait a minute...) PETER FONDA: I looked at him to try to see who he really was, he's 168 years old, I don't wanna touch him, man, I can't get in there. W. S. MERWIN: at the site of the tv show arriving with it's jail face, SPACE GHOST: (I've heard all this before...) PETER FONDA: But I make your arms do that stuff, you know, that (does arm curls) "one, two, three, fun, breathe, two, three"... MOLTAR: What's he talkin' about? (monitor shows text:) 4 Index: Tryptophan 152 SPACE GHOST: (How could I be so stupid?) W. S. MERWIN: and it howls in passing like a wounded wheel, PETER FONDA: There's mites all around me, Ghost Man, get rid of them! SPACE GHOST: (Mites.) MOLTAR: Mites? Ewww! PETER FONDA: Because the bees, in fact, the bees are being absolutely decimated by... lice. Mites! SPACE GHOST: (That's right, keep talking. Come on, come to Daddy.) W. S. MERWIN: and it's footsteps toward nightfall are filled with hot blood. PETER FONDA: Moltar, get the lava. (monitor shows text:) 5 Index: Aversion Conditioning 602 MOLTAR: Uh uh. ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. SPACE GHOST: Don't get the lava. ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. MOLTAR: How about I forget it. SPACE GHOST: We don't need the lava, do we, Peter? ZORAK: (off-camera) Uh uh. SPACE GHOST: 'Cause you're not Peter... PETER FONDA: What the hey... SPACE GHOST: Are ya, Peter? (aims his power band) W. S. MERWIN: And it shoves the tv show along to certain corners, to certain damp houses, PETER FONDA: Odin! SPACE GHOST: Confusatronnnnnnnnnnn! (blasts Peter off the monitor) (laughs) ZORAK: That's a, that's nice work, chump! W. S. MERWIN: to hospitals where the bones come out of windows, SPACE GHOST: Say what? ZORAK: You know that was Ted's brother-in-law, you just blew away! SPACE GHOST: You're so naive. MOLTAR: Na�ve. SPACE GHOST: Enemies all around us, and you can't see them?! ZORAK: Eh... SPACE GHOST: I'd hate to see what The Lobotomist would do with such a naive mind like yours. W. S. MERWIN: to certain cobbers' shops smelling of vinegar, ZORAK: Okay. MOLTAR: It's "na�ve"! (monitor shows:) 6 Index: Lie Detection 340-365 SPACE GHOST: What about it? MOLTAR: (groans) SPACE GHOST: Okay, what's next? MOLTAR: Uh... Buzz. SPACE GHOST: Are... you sure it's Buzz? MOLTAR: You Buzz? BUZZ ALDRIN: (in lower right corner of Moltar's monitor) Yes, I believe I am. W. S. MERWIN: to streets horrendous as crevices. MOLTAR: It's Buzz! SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Send him in. BUZZ ALDRIN: (appears on studio monitor) Greetings! SPACE GHOST: (long pause) So, why should I talk to you? BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh, well, a number of years ago, I flew in space. And, uh, we landed on the moon, 27 years ago. W. S. MERWIN: There are birds the colour of sulphur, and horrible intestines, ZORAK: (mocking) The moon?! Did you wear a spacesuit? BUZZ ALDRIN: A praying mantis. MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, tell us about the spacesuit. W. S. MERWIN: hanging from the doors of the houses which the tv show hates, BUZZ ALDRIN: Okay, it's rather bulky, there are layers and layers of, uh, material that, uh, you know, protect us from small meteorites. (monitor shows Buzz, with text:) 8 Index: Agoraphobia 563, 618 ZORAK: Ooooh, no!! MOLTAR: Oooh, don't let the meteorites get me, Zorak! ZORAK: I'll protect ya, buddy! W. S. MERWIN: there are forgotten sets of teeth in a coffee-pot, SPACE GHOST: So, "Buzz", if that's your real name... BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh, my sisters started calling me Buzz when I was very young... SPACE GHOST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've spent a lot of time in space, and I've never seen you! W. S. MERWIN: there are mirrors BUZZ ALDRIN: Well, have you been looking? Because I was looking for you, I didn't see you either. SPACE GHOST: I bet you were looking real hard, weren't ya? (belch-like voice) Weren't ya, Buzz? BUZZ ALDRIN: Oh, you bet. SPACE GHOST: Did you ever look on the Ghost Planet? Where I live! W. S. MERWIN: which should have wept with shame and horror, BUZZ ALDRIN: Ghost Planet, I don't believe I have, what's it like? ZORAK: (off-camera) It's no Moon. SPACE GHOST: Oh, he knows what it's like. Don't ya, "Buzz"? BUZZ ALDRIN: Is, is it squishy, or is it, uh, springy? SPACE GHOST: That's right, play dumb! W. S. MERWIN: there are umbrellas all over the place, and poisons, and navels. BUZZ ALDRIN: Or maybe it's a little smokey or hazy or... frothy? SPACE GHOST: Come on, Aldrin! I'm smarter than that! BUZZ ALDRIN: Well, that's obvious. SPACE GHOST: Owww! MOLTAR: Now what? (monitor shows:) 10 Index: Representational ????sight 486 SPACE GHOST: Oh, nothing. Just another villain! W. S. MERWIN: The tv show strides with calm, with eyes, with shoes, BUZZ ALDRIN: Villains, oh. SPACE GHOST: It's been happening all night. They're ruthless. BUZZ ALDRIN: Uh huh. (tsk) Well, they're not ruthless, they're, uh, they're in many ways lovable, and they're, they're understandable. W. S. MERWIN: with fury, with forgetfulness. SPACE GHOST: Buzz, there's nothing lovable about the evil Confusatron. BUZZ ALDRIN: (chuckles) No. SPACE GHOST: He's in my brain. I can feel his baffling presence. BUZZ ALDRIN: Oh. How can he do that? SPACE GHOST: I don't know, but he's there. Riiight now. W. S. MERWIN: The tv show passes, the tv show crosses offices and stores full of orthopedic appliances, BUZZ ALDRIN: How can he get inside your brain? SPACE GHOST: You tell me, Aldrin. Or should I say... Confusatron! (blasts Buzz off the monitor with his destructo ray) W. S. MERWIN: and courtyards hung with clothes on wires, BUZZ ALDRIN: (moans) ZORAK: So, there were two Confusatrons. SPACE GHOST: Obviously. ZORAK: Riiight! MOLTAR: Well, you just blasted the beloved American space hero Buzz Aldrin. W. S. MERWIN: underpants, towels and shirts which weep SPACE GHOST: Yes sir. (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:) 11 Index: Neuromodulators 136, 153 MOLTAR: That's it, I've had it! You're wacked! ZORAK: Yeah! MOLTAR: You've been clumsy and paranoid all night, and instead of owning up to it like a man... (monitor shows text:) 13 THE END IS NEAR ZORAK: BAM! You made up an enemy! W. S. MERWIN: slow dirty tears. SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Yeah, you're right. All those things were my own fault. Or were they? Impostinators! MOLTAR: That's it. I'm gone! (walks out of control room) (Credits roll) SPACE GHOST: That's right, run away, you Pretendinators! MOLTAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story. (voice trails off) SPACE GHOST: That's right, run to Momma! ZORAK: Yeah, yeah, hey, how's your butt? SPACE GHOST: You want some of this, Zorak?! Or should I say, Improvimantitron? MOLTAR: Whatever. VOICE: (answers phone) Hello? (hangs up) (Phone starts ringing again) (crack!) SPACE GHOST: I don't know... |