Episode 53 - "Dam" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Space Ghost is flying in the Phantom Cruiser, listening to a self-help tape) VOICE: And so it's easy to see why superheroes are at a crossroads. Driven to succeed, yet encumbered by images of the traditional superhero icon, increasingly at odds with today's societal structure. SPACE GHOST: Tell me about it. VOICE: Following are my seven superhero salvos for success. Repeat these at will. SPACE GHOST: Alright. VOICE: Number one: I am in charge. SPACE GHOST: I am in charge. VOICE: Number two: Mine is an energy that I choose to share. SPACE GHOST: Mine is an energy that I choose to share. VOICE: Number three: Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Phantom Cruiser starts making strange noises) SPACE GHOST: Oh, what's that? VOICE: Number four: There's no telling when your time will come. SPACE GHOST: ????. come on. Come on, baby, don't do this to me today. I can't handle it. VOICE: Number five: love the moment... SPACE GHOST: Shut up, you stupid tape! (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, citizens! I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight is Acadamy Award winning actor, Charlton Heston. ZORAK: (in background) I'm coppin' an attitude! SPACE GHOST: What? ZORAK: Tonight! I'm coppin' an attitude! SPACE GHOST: Fine, go ahead. MOLTAR: I'm coppin' one too! SPACE GHOST: Oh, really. MOLTAR: You bet! I am coppin' an attitude! (monitor shows text:) BOAKE TACKMAN RUBY GENTRY '52 SPACE GHOST: That's good. MOLTAR: I've had enough, and I'm not takin' anymore! ZORAK: That's right! We're layin' it down! MOLTAR: And ain't no way, no how are you gonna tell me different! SPACE GHOST: Okay. ZORAK: We're settin' the tone, baby! MOLTAR: That's right! That is the way it's gonna be, friend! And if you don't like it... ZORAK: You know what you can do! MOLTAR: (evil laugh) I heard that! ZORAK: Oh yeah! SPACE GHOST: I'm gonna go to the desk, okay? ZORAK: Go on, try, see what you get! SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk) Here I am now, at the desk. MOLTAR: You got lucky, pal! (monitor shows text:) COLT SAUNDERS THREE VIOLENT PEOPLE '56 ZORAK: You try it next time, you see what you get! SPACE GHOST: Villains, listen to me. ZORAK: No. SPACE GHOST: Try as you may, you will not knock my moon out of orbit and upset my tides of well-being-ness. MOLTAR: What are you talking about? SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost of the Cosmos is now perfect... serene... (monitor shows text:) CHRYSAGON THE WAR LORD '65 ZORAK: Stupid! SPACE GHOST: ... and centered. Let's all synchronize our hearts. ZORAK: No! SPACE GHOST: Moltar? I am ready to receive my guest. MOLTAR: (mutters) All right. (throws lever, sends Charlton to studio monitor) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, citizen. CHARLTON HESTON: (lowering from ceiling) Greetings, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Go on, tell everyone who you are. CHARLTON HESTON: (silent) SPACE GHOST: Come on. CHARLTON HESTON: I am Charlton Heston. SPACE GHOST: Yes! Our first Academy Award winner. CHARLTON HESTON: Really? SPACE GHOST: Really. CHARLTON HESTON: Wow. SPACE GHOST: You think the Academy would honor me for my talk show work? CHARLTON HESTON: Um... let me be honest with you. I don't think so. SPACE GHOST: I want one of those trophies, Carlton. CHARLTON HESTON: Okay, you do? SPACE GHOST: I want your trophy. Get it! CHARLTON HESTON: Okay, okay. SPACE GHOST: Wooooo!! All right! Look at me! Oscar winner Space Ghost! Woo Hoo! VOICE: (The vain man glorfies himself, while the self-actualized individual glorifies others.) SPACE GHOST: Oh, okay. Chuck, you too are pretty good. I... can call you Chuck, can't I? CHARLTON HESTON: You bet, you bet. SPACE GHOST: How about Chuckles? CHARLTON HESTON: If you insist. SPACE GHOST: Oh, oh oh, wait wait wait, how about Cheston? See, it's a cross between your first name, which is Charlton, and your second name... CHARLTON HESTON: Um, no. I don't think so. SPACE GHOST: (pause) Never say "no, I don't think so". Try saying "yes, I think so". CHARLTON HESTON: Oh, I see. SPACE GHOST: The word "impossible" is a mistake, Chuck. It's really "I'm possible". (smile sparkles) CHARLTON HESTON: You're all by yourself? SPACE GHOST: I've got my enemies here. But... you know... no friends. MOLTAR: That's right! ZORAK: I ain't his friend! (monitor shows text:) PEER GYNT '41 MOLTAR: If you were to ask me if I were his friend, I would say "No!" to you. ZORAK: I heard that! CHARLTON HESTON: Doesn't it get lonely? SPACE GHOST: I go to parties. CHARLTON HESTON: Oh, you go to parties? SPACE GHOST: In my head. CHARLTON HESTON: Yeah, I sense there's a hidden identity there. SPACE GHOST: There's a party all the time there. Sometimes the neighbors up there complain, so I try to turn down the music. Only I can't. Because there are no knobs there. CHARLTON HESTON: No, no, I understand, I'm, that's, that's fine. That.. let's let it pass. SPACE GHOST: What's wrong? What's that? We're out of punch? I'll be right back. MOLTAR: Uh, who're you talkin' to? SPACE GHOST: I'm back. It turns out I have an unlimited supply of punch. MOLTAR: I want some punch. SPACE GHOST: For the parties. CHARLTON HESTON: Okay. SPACE GHOST: In my head. ZORAK: (sighs) Get on with the show! SPACE GHOST: Are you gettin' enough oxygen, Chuck? CHARLTON HESTON: Absolutely, I breathe very well in many atmospheres. SPACE GHOST: Including the Planet of the Apes? They say there's nothing more fragrant than a hot ape. CHARLTON HESTON: The odd thing about that movie, was all the gorillas sat at lunch... SPACE GHOST: (starts laughing) CHARLTON HESTON: This is no kidding, this is honest truth. SPACE GHOST: Oh, really? CHARLTON HESTON: All the gorillas sat at one table at lunch, and all the chimpanzees sat at another, and all the orangutans sat at another. ZORAK: (while Charlton is talking) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! SPACE GHOST: (to Zorak) Hey, cut it out! CHARLTON HESTON: And, uh, the humans were ????... MOLTAR: (while Charlton is talking) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! SPACE GHOST: Stop it!! I'm afraid my sidekicks are copping an attitude, Chuck. CHARLTON HESTON: Oh, I see. ZORAK: (continues making noise) MOLTAR: (does the same) (continue to make noises as they talk) SPACE GHOST: Been doin' this all day in here. CHARLTON HESTON: Yeah, that's clear, that's clear. SPACE GHOST: Breathe with me, Charlton. CHARLTON HESTON: Okay. SPACE GHOST: (takes deep breath, then exhales) Weather the storm. CHARLTON HESTON: Okay. VOICE: (Away with confusion.) SPACE GHOST: Aaaaaaa! (aims his power band at Zorak) ZORAK: Aa aa aa aa! Remember, vengeance is the refuge of the weak. VOICE: (He's right, Space Ghost.) SPACE GHOST: Let me just give him one. VOICE: (No, rise above the fray.) ZORAK: Listen to her. VOICE: (You're not trying.) SPACE GHOST: Can I just... VOICE: (No.) SPACE GHOST: Just one? VOICE: (No.) SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Fine. CHARLTON HESTON: (gets zapped by Zorak) Oh, oh! Don't do that, don't do... SPACE GHOST: Little green freak! (blasts Zorak) ZORAK: Hey, what, no... Aaaah!! (Blam!) VOICE: (Vengeance is the refuge of the weak.) SPACE GHOST: (puts his hand over his face) I know. ZORAK: (crisped) (coughs) Idiot! (coughs) SPACE GHOST: All existence is chaos, Chuck. The self-empowered man realizes this... CHARLTON HESTON: Uh huh. SPACE GHOST: ... and rises like an eagle above the tangled teaming masses. CHARLTON HESTON: Wow. SPACE GHOST: Talons out, ready to swoop. CHARLTON HESTON: You're very perceptive, Space Ghost, I wouldn't have... SPACE GHOST: ... thought that I had a new age spirituality? Well, surprise, Chuck, I'm a 90's guy. CHARLTON HESTON: Did you have any, uh... ZORAK: Talent? CHARLTON HESTON: ... how can I put it... ZORAK: Class? Intelligence? CHARLTON HESTON: Formal education? SPACE GHOST: Define "formal" CHARLTON HESTON: I don't want to... MOLTAR: (throws lever, Charlton starts talking at double speed, monitor shows text:) SAT 12 DATA ALGORITHM COMPRESSION ZORAK: (laughs) MOLTAR: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Oh, that's mature! ZORAK: Slow him down! Make him sound creepy! MOLTAR: (throws lever again, monitor text changes to SAT 12 DATA ALGORITHM EXPAND and Charlton starts talking at half speed) ZORAK: (continues laughing) MOLTAR: (continues laughing) SPACE GHOST: (as Charlton moves his mouth in slow motion) Man, look at those teeth! Hey, wait a minute, is that... ZORAK: Spinach! SPACE GHOST: (zaps Charlton on monitor, returning him to normal speed) Ya don't floss, do you, Chuck? CHARLTON HESTON: You caught me. Not regularly. SPACE GHOST: Busted! I can spot an unflossed mouth from two miles away! That's one of my powers. CHARLTON HESTON: I suppose, yeah, okay, okay, no, I don't floss as regularly as I should. SPACE GHOST: I don't talk about that power much. Not really one of my good powers, but still a power all the same. CHARLTON HESTON: Uh, you're, you seem perfectly fluent in English, can you read? ZORAK: No. SPACE GHOST: I like books on tape. CHARLTON HESTON: Oh, no no no no, we can do better than that, what about Shakespeare? SPACE GHOST: What about books on tape? ZORAK: No. CHARLTON HESTON: No, nope. Shakespeare, that's the best of them all. You know Shakespeare. ZORAK: Nope. SPACE GHOST: Not personally. CHARLTON HESTON: No... (puts his hand to his face) You know the writings of Shakespeare. SPACE GHOST: We didn't have the theatre when I grew up, Chuck. We had hard work. Long days, mending the nets. Scaling the fish. No part of the fish was wasted, Chuck. We used the entire fish. CHARLTON HESTON: You sure, really, no kidding? SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Of course I'm kidding! CHARLTON HESTON: Oh. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Fishing in space! Tell me, Chuck, ever thought of starring in a sequel to "The Ten Commandmants"? ZORAK: No. CHARLTON HESTON: Uh, I don't think so. SPACE GHOST: Not a sequel man, eh? ZORAK: No. CHARLTON HESTON: What other commandments are we gonna write? ZORAK: Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it. SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Thou that smelled it thine own self dealt it. ZORAK: (fake laugh) Jerk. CHARLTON HESTON: Yeah, well... MOLTAR: Thou shalt not... hesistate. CHARLTON HESTON: I'm kinda committed to the first ten. ZORAK: Thou shalt not be committed to old commandments! SPACE GHOST: Zorak, one more commandment out of you, and thou shalt be blasted. MOLTAR: Thou shalt not mess with Zorak, or thou shalt have to mess with me! SPACE GHOST: All right, everybody, just calm down! MOLTAR: Thou shalt not calm down! CHARLTON HESTON: I hesitate... MOLTAR: Thou shalt not hesitate!! SPACE GHOST: (blasts Moltar with his power bands) MOLTAR: (laying on his back) Ohhhhh boy... ZORAK: Uh oh, now you've done it! MOLTAR: We're now going to initiate the silent treatment. (monitor shows text:) CHRYSAGON THE WAR LORD '65 ZORAK: I ain't saying jack! SPACE GHOST: Fine. Good. MOLTAR: As of right now, my friend... silence. (monitor shows text:) COLT SAUNDERS THREE VIOLENT PEOPLE '56 SPACE GHOST: (waits for them to say something) ZORAK: (silence) SPACE GHOST: You guys aren't really gonna do this? (total silence) Come on, guys! ZORAK: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Hey, come on! MOLTAR: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Chuck, you're not doin' this too, are ya? CHARLTON HESTON: (nods) SPACE GHOST: Oh, man! (pause) Anybody want ice cream? Zorak? Ice cream? ZORAK: (silence) SPACE GHOST: My treat. Moltar? MOLTAR: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Pistachio. Butter pecan. (as he speaks, monitor shows text:) PEER GYNT '41 MOLTAR: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Want some gum? ZORAK: Gu-- (wide eyed, then looks away) VOICE: (What are you doing?) SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Silent treatment. VOICE: (You don't have time for this. You must destroy the Hoover Dam. It is your destiny.) SPACE GHOST: What if I get caught? VOICE: (You're Space Ghost, superhero to millions. Who would suspect you?) SPACE GHOST: Yeah, I am Space Ghost. It's my destiny. VOICE: (You better hurry up!) SPACE GHOST: What about my pants? VOICE: (What?!) SPACE GHOST: My, my, my pants. VOICE: (Your pants are fine. Hurry!) SPACE GHOST: Let me just say goodbye to Charlton, okay? VOICE: (Uh uh! Someone's going to beat you to it!) SPACE GHOST: All right, all right! (aloud) Uh, Charlton, I gotta go. Pick up the kids. Who are, nnnot in Nevada. CHARLTON HESTON: Okay, Space Ghost. (waves) Absolutely. SPACE GHOST: (flies off) (Aerial shot, closing in on Hoover Dam, accompanied by dramatic sting music) INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION (Shots of extreme flood damage, police sirens in background) SPACE GHOST: (bounds back to his desk; test pattern is on studio monitor) Well, goodnight, everybody, I, I, I gotta split. (flies off again) (Credits roll) (Police car screechs up, door opens) POLICE OFFICER: (through bull horn) Hey you! SPACE GHOST: No! POLICE OFFICER: Hey, get over here. All right, we're gonna put ya... SPACE GHOST: (struggling sounds) Ow! POLICE OFFICER: Take your hands away from your sides. SPACE GHOST: It was my destiny, can't you see? POLICE OFFICER: I will not ask you again, sir, please take your hands away from your sides, please. SPACE GHOST: This is my inviso belt. POLICE OFFICER: Yeah, right, buddy. SPACE GHOST: You're all blind! POLICE OFFICER: Don't struggle with me! You understand? SPACE GHOST: Blind pawns, blinded by government and the mass media. POLICE OFFICER: Do not struggle with me, sir. SPACE GHOST: You're so blind. POLICE OFFICER: Spread your legs and put your hands on the side of the vehicle, away from the belt. SPACE GHOST: (starts crying) POLICE OFFICER: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. Take the cape from over your face, please. |