Episode 56 - "Dimethylpyrimidinol Bisulfite" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, you people. I am the Space Ghost. If music be the food of love, then I'm gonna eat lots of the food of love. Why? Because my guests are crooners Pat Boone and Chuck D. ZORAK: Space Ghost... SPACE GHOST: Yes? ZORAK: Do you suffer from: o Inflamation o Chafing o Uncomfortable Redness SPACE GHOST: (silence) What? ZORAK: Don't be embarrassed. SPACE GHOST: (low voice) What are you talkin' about? ZORAK: Only the comfort and affordability of Dr. Kwazar's Industrial Ointment. SPACE GHOST: Ointment? ZORAK: Industrial ointment! SPACE GHOST: (stares) ZORAK: It's good. MOLTAR: Hey, Space Ghost, lemme clue you in to the premise of this episode. (Moltar's monitor says:) FEAR OF A GHOST PLANET MOLTAR: Zorak just got his first endorsement deal. ZORAK: Deal? Let me tell you about a good deal. And a good ointment. (holding up a "Dr. Kwazar's Industrial Ointment" sign) Dr. Kwazar's Industrial Ointment... SPACE GHOST: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, celebrity endorsement. I remember my first one of those. And, this goes along with the premise. (Flashback to black & white "Space Ghost" cartoon clip, with scratchy audio) SPACE GHOST: (blasting a lava alien) Take that, you hot creature! (60's TV commercial music in background) Ah! After I finish off a horde of nasty villains, I like to re-energize with the delicious taste of Sugarman's Potted Meat Food Product. Sugarman's Potted Meat Food Product contains 2% real meat, and meat byproducts. That's right, 2% real meat to go along with superhero-sized portions of sodium nitrate, potassium bicarbonate, pyrodoxine hydrochloride, biotin, cobalt iodate, thiamine mononitrate, thenadiol bisulfite, sodium selenite, D-L-alpha-tocopperal acetate, glucaronalactone, lanacetol, pantothenic acid, and maltodextrin. Ask for Sugarman's. Meat like Grandma used to pot. (smile sparkles) (music ends) (End of flashback) SPACE GHOST: (eating a sandwich) Mmm, mmm, mmm... ZORAK: I thought they went outta business. SPACE GHOST: (talking with his mouth full) Yeah, but I got a closet full of this stuff. That's how they paid me. Mmm, ah. Suckers. (Moltar's monitor says:) TERMINATOR X TO THE EDGE OF PAN PAT BOONE: (on control room monitor, to Moltar) (puts on sunglasses) If I start like this, that would be okay, at some point I'll take 'em off, maybe put 'em back, but that's okay? MOLTAR: You've obviously given this a lot of thought. PAT BOONE: Space Ghost might, if he wants to, make some reference to the fact that, uh, they thought they had... MOLTAR: You're wearing sunglasses? PAT BOONE: Well, no, he thought they had Pat Boone here, but obviously they got, they've made a mistake, they've got some heavy metal rocker here or something. (Moltar's monitor says:) ??? WATCHA GOT MOLTAR: Ih.. sure, you can give him that option. But, uh.. lose the gum. (Moltar's monitor says:) RIGHSTARTER PAT BOONE: (gets rid of his gum) Okay. SPACE GHOST: My first guest is my all-time favorite recording artist of all time! PAT BOONE: (on monitor, lowering from ceiling) I am Pat Boone. SPACE GHOST: We need to lose the glasses, Pat. PAT BOONE: (takes off sunglasses) Oh, well, that could be arranged. Did I shake you up a little bit? SPACE GHOST: No. PAT BOONE: (pause) Listen, I am really delighted... SPACE GHOST: Pat, in 1955 you recorded the monster hit "April Love". Who was your inspiration for that masterpiece? PAT BOONE: Well, yes, I was influenced, uh, I don't know if you remember the great name Bing Crosby. SPACE GHOST: Der Bingle! PAT BOONE: Der Bingle, you're right, hey, you continually amaze me, yes... SPACE GHOST: That's because I'm amazing. Did you know I invented the cotton gin, because I needed a more efficient way to de-seed my cotton bales? And, get this: I've never owned a watch. PAT BOONE: Good. ZORAK: Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin! SPACE GHOST: Lies! Stop with your slanderous lies! Just because you've never done anything, you lazy piece of space garbage! (softly) The look, the feel of cotton! That's all mine!!! PAT BOONE: It does not surprise me. It really doesn't surprise me. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, every time you swab your filthy ears, you should fall to your knees and thank me for me and my amazing invention! ZORAK: Ih, yeah, I'll do that. Pat, do you suffer from inflamation? PAT BOONE: Boy, I don't know about you space creatures, but Earthlings need lots of fiber. SPACE GHOST: It's fiber-licious, Pat. PAT BOONE: Yeah. Keeps you going good. ZORAK: Do you use the ointment? SPACE GHOST: Zorak, a talk show is not the place to promote your personal projects! Boy, scolding Zorak sure builds up a man-sized appetite! I could go for a bowl of pulverized organ mash, basted in sweet intestinal bile fluids. (Then strap on your bib, Space Ghost, and saddle up to a heapin' helpin' of Sugarman's bovine-flavored potted meat! Have a cow, man! A Sugarman cow!) PAT BOONE: (You certainly, hey, that could be your slogan.) SPACE GHOST: (Who-o-oa. hey Pat, we're readin' each other's heads!) PAT BOONE: (I know, see, and, and I'm enjoying this.) ZORAK: Hey, why are you guys just sittin' there, eh? PAT BOONE: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (laughs) (Zorak has a tiny brain.) PAT BOONE: (Yeah, well, maybe you got a point.) SPACE GHOST: Ahem! Do you remember that time at Radio City, I was the one in the third row from the back. You know, the one with the mask and the cape, and I was saying, "Go, Pat. Sing another song." That was a little cheer I made up. Remember that? PAT BOONE: Yeah, yeah. SPACE GHOST: Go, Pat. Sing another song. PAT BOONE: (sings) La la la-a-a, la la la la la la la la-a-a-a! SPACE GHOST: (grins) Go, Pat. Sing another song. PAT BOONE: (snapping his fingers, sings) Space Ghost, he's the Space Most. Yes, the Space Ghost. Now see, that's only got one note. SPACE GHOST: But the way you sing it, Pat, makes me think it's got at least three. PAT BOONE: (still snapping) Space Ghost, (ah, ah) he's the Space Most, (Space Ghost begins bouncing in his seat) (ah ah) Yeah, the Space Ghost (ah, ah, ah) he's the Space Ghost. Anyway, we can take it from there, there should probably be at least one other melodic note. SPACE GHOST: We should cut that, man. We should go into the studio and lay that bad boy down, right now while the creative juices are still flowin'. Come on, Pat, let's go! (flies off) Pa-a-at! INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION SPACE GHOST: (bounds back to his desk) ZORAK: How'd your session go? SPACE GHOST: Sweet as ice! ZORAK: Oh yeah? SPACE GHOST: I had to punch Pat in the jaw a couple of times, but other than that, I'd say we built a wall of groove! ZORAK: (pause) Well, let's hear it. SPACE GHOST: Pat's still tinkerin' with the mix. And now, let's mess up the mix, for rap artist Chuck D. CHUCK D: (on monitor, lowering from ceiling) Hey, thanks a lot. SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Chuck ol' buddy. CHUCK D: So, Space Ghost, I've been a fan of yours since about 1966, remember? SPACE GHOST: (sighs) 1966. (Screen fades, with choir music, to reveal black screen with large "1996" digits) VOICE: 1966! (screen fades back to studio) SPACE GHOST: Those four numerals, placed sequentially, still look the same. ZORAK: Chuck, do you use the ointment? SPACE GHOST: Zorak! ZORAK: I'm just askin'! SPACE GHOST: Don't answer that, Chuck. My bandleader is wack. CHUCK D: There's no such thing as, as anybody being wack, it just means that, you know, you need to work on your stuff a little better. SPACE GHOST: Oh, he's wack all right. He's a wacky pack! CHUCK D: Okay. ZORAK: I have a rap question. SPACE GHOST: (glares at Zorak) ZORAK: Do rappers use the ointment? SPACE GHOST: Okay, Zorak, I'm sick of this. Tell us about your amazing ointment, and get it out of your system, so you'll shut up! ZORAK: It, um, oh, um, it's, it's, it's good, um, it's, it's, it's good ointment. SPACE GHOST: Is that it? Are ya done? ZORAK: It, uh, it, it makes your skin all creamy and nice. (squirt!) Here, uh, dab some on your face. SPACE GHOST: No! ZORAK: Okay, it's, I mean, you don't have to, it's.. your loss, really. SPACE GHOST: Shut up! ZORAK: (pause) You know, it's your skin. SPACE GHOST: Shut up! ZORAK: (pause) But see, look at my pincers... SPACE GHOST: SHUT UP!! ZORAK: Okay! MOLTAR: Hey, Chuck, you wanna run some ball later? I can make a lay-up. CHUCK D: I used to dunk when I was in eleventh grade. MOLTAR: I, uh, I have to bounce the ball with both hands. CHUCK D: I hear ya, you ever go down to the run and shoot? MOLTAR: Uh, no, but one time I blew up a porta-potty. (Moltar's monitor says:) 911 IS A JOKE CHUCK D: Oh, hey. (Moltar's monitor says:) BROTHERS GONNA WORK IT OUT MOLTAR: I had to change clothes after that. SPACE GHOST: Now Chuck, my favorite rapper is M. C. Escher. CHUCK D: I could tell. SPACE GHOST: Please, Escher, don't hurt 'em. ZORAK: Hey, Chuck, how do you feel about the east coast / west coast beef? CHUCK D: East coast / west coast, ah, I just think it's, it's largely fake. ZORAK: Alright. CHUCK D: So don't believe the hype. SPACE GHOST: Chuck, what's with all the record scratchin'? I mean, records aren't made to take that kind of a beating. CHUCK D: (laughs) Maybe not, Space Ghost. ZORAK: You like Goody Mo B? CHUCK D: Yeah, Goody Mo's the bomb. Now, Goody Mo, Fugees... ZORAK: Wu Tang! CHUCK D: Yeah, Wu Tang, you know, they hittin' near the bottom, I think... SPACE GHOST: You don't have to talk to Zorak, Chuck. He's not dope or fresh! ZORAK: He's askin' some, some pretty good rap questions. (Rappin' Space Goblin appears, with rap music intro) RAPPIN' SPACE GOBLIN: Well, I'm the Space Goblin, and I'm here to say That stayin' in school is A-okay. If you wanna good job, and you wanna do right, Then stay in school... it's outta sight. SPACE GHOST: Well, look, everyone, it's the Rappin' Space Goblin, here to do us a "solid", by providing some valuable information for you kids out there. Let's listen... RAPPIN' SPACE GOBLIN: Well, I'm the Space Goblin, and I'm here to say That if you're crossin' the street, you best look both ways. SPACE GHOST: Say, Chuck, would you care to break some rhymes with the Space Goblin? CHUCK D: (shakes his head) Nah. SPACE GHOST: Your loss. Rappin' Space Goblin, what's the "word" on the street regarding a healthy diet? RAPPIN' SPACE GOBLIN: We-e-e-e-ell, I'm the Space Goblin, and I'm here to say That eatin' vegetables is A-okay. Like - Arrggghh! (gets blasted by Zorak) ZORAK: (holding his blast rifle) Aah, 'ere we go. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, you have destroyed an important educational tool. ZORAK: So? SPACE GHOST: And a dear friend. (aims power band and blasts Zorak) ZORAK: Aaaagh! CHUCK D: Everything is cool, everything's peace in here, right? SPACE GHOST: Yeah yeah yeah yeah. And now, let's listen to Mr. Pat Boone and I performing my new hit single, "Space Ghost, He's the Space Most". (Credits roll during following "song":) PAT BOONE: Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost! PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. SPACE GHOST: I'm the Space Ghost! PAT BOONE: Yes, the Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost! PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. SPACE GHOST: He's the Space Most! PAT BOONE: Yes, the Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost! PAT BOONE: Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: You know the words! PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: I'm the Space Most! PAT BOONE: Yeah, the Space Ghost. Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: Yeah! The Space Ghost. PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. SPACE GHOST: I'm the Space Most! PAT BOONE: Yes, the Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: That's me! PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. SPACE GHOST: I'm the one! PAT BOONE: Yes, the Space Ghost. Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost! PAT BOONE: He's the Space Most. Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: Come on! PAT BOONE: Yeah, the Space Ghost. Ah. Ah. SPACE GHOST: Yeah! The Space Ghost. PAT BOONE: La la la-a-a, la la la la la la la la-a-a-a! |