Episode 36 - "Edelweiss" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Opening theme & titles) TANSUT: Hi there, folks, this is Tansut, welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Tonight's guest is Beck. That's it, just Beck. My work is done here, I'm going home. (remains silent during rest of theme & titles) Oh yeah, here's, uh, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight is guitarist/musician Beck. Also, I will blast Zorak repeatedly for busting up my apartment earlier this afternoon. ZORAK: I'm back. SPACE GHOST: Well, thanks for joining us, Zorak! ZORAK: No problem. SPACE GHOST: You're a little late. ZORAK: Well, I've been breaking your stuff. SPACE GHOST: Yes, I know. ZORAK: (sighs and rolls his eyes) I got tired near the end, so I lit a big fire. That's why I'm late. SPACE GHOST: Did the flames consume all my posessions? ZORAK: Everything but your hand-painted Presidents of the United States ceramic figurines collection. SPACE GHOST: Oh, really? ZORAK: Yeah, I had to crush that with a hammer. SPACE GHOST: (long pause) (in low voice) You know I'm going to have to do something about this, don't you? ZORAK: Go ahead, I'll just regenerate. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Zorak) ZORAK: (crisped) See? Fried now, (cut to Space Ghost, still aiming) cut away, (cut back to normal looking Zorak) back to normal! (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: (blasts him again) ZORAK: (crisped) Oh, you can do better than that! Think of the figurines! (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: This is for tiny Abraham Lincoln! (blasts him again) ZORAK: Now, wait... SPACE GHOST: And this is for tiny George Washington! (blasts him again) SPACE GHOST: And this is for tiny Millard Fillmore (blasts him again) MOLTAR: Wait, you're not giving him time to regenerate! (control room monitor: ONE TURNTABLE AND TWO MICROPHONES) SPACE GHOST: And this is for tiny Jimmy Carter! (blasts him again) MOLTAR: Stop! Stop! SPACE GHOST: And this is for tiny Rutherford B. Hayes! (blasts him again) ZORAK: (looking especially crisped, eyes closed) MOLTAR: Are ya done yet? (control room monitor: SWORD OR MATADOR?) SPACE GHOST: (panting) No! Did I do Chester Allan Arthur? MOLTAR: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: What about Grover Cleveland? MOLTAR: Twice. SPACE GHOST: How about I give him one to grow on? MOLTAR: IIIII think he's learned his lesson. SPACE GHOST: (blasts him one last time; smoke rises from empty keyboard pod) MOLTAR: Well, that's just super! Zorak's dead! SPACE GHOST: Really? MOLTAR: Yes, Space Ghost, he is. SPACE GHOST: You say that like it's my fault. MOLTAR: It is your fault, you blasted him too many times. SPACE GHOST: No, I didn't. MOLTAR: Yes, you did. SPACE GHOST: No, I didn't! MOLTAR: Yes, you did! (control room monitor: PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG) SPACE GHOST: (with anguish) Heaven help me! What have I done?!? (normal voice) Oh, well... MOLTAR: Should I... call the morgue or somethin'? (control room monitor: HUGHES ???? KU 77TH) SPACE GHOST: Nope, play me to the desk. MOLTAR: What!? How am I supposed to do that? SPACE GHOST: I've prepared for this inevitability. To your left you will find a songbook. Open that songbook. MOLTAR: (looking at book) This, is this it? "Don Hester's Flip and Learn Song Book for the Wee Piano Player, Volume One"? SPACE GHOST: Exactly. Now start singing. MOLTAR: Y'know, I'm a little shy. SPACE GHOST: Get over it. Page 12, Moltar. MOLTAR: (groans) (sings, all one note) This is the note called mid-dle C, this is how it sounds to me. SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk) Please welcome my first guest) BECK: (on monitor, as it lowers from ceiling) Oh, thank you. SPACE GHOST: Identify yourself. BECK: My name is Beck Hansen, a musician, a human being, um, et cetera. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost would like to speak with Beck in the third person. Would Beck like that? BECK: Yeah, that would be nice, yeah. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost is glad that Beck feels this way. BECK: Third person is always a good way to, to approach the second and first persons... SPACE GHOST: Oh, Space Ghost couldn't agree more. BECK: The kind of menage thing is good, too. SPACE GHOST: Citizen Beck, expound on your freak-like manner. BECK: Well... (pauses) SPACE GHOST: Well, what? BECK: I like to plug things in, and then I like to unplug them, and then I go to sleep. What do you think about that, Moltar? Looks like you're plugged in all the time. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Moltar is unplugged tonight, Beck. BECK: Oh, yeah? SPACE GHOST: Allow me to demonstrate. Moltar, turn to page 23. MOLTAR: (groans) Oh, man! I hate this one! SPACE GHOST: Take us to the bridge, Moltar. The London bridge. MOLTAR: Alright, alright... (control room monitor: DESTRY RIDES AGAIN) London bridge is falling down, Falling down, falling down, London bridge is falling down, My fair lady. (Control room monitor: ?? THE TRANSPONDER HOTLINES) BECK: (while Moltar is singing) You like that? SPACE GHOST: Who doesn't? BECK: It's a good tune. SPACE GHOST: Taco? BECK: Oh, if you, if you have one, that would be nice. SPACE GHOST: Moltar, release the taco. MOLTAR: (pulls LUNCH lever) (Pop!) BECK: (catches Taco Bell wrapped taco) Of course, Space Ghost would always have a taco. Oh, thanks for the extra cheese there. (smells it) That doesn't look too friendly, actually. MOLTAR: Yeah, it's been sitting on my dashboard for a few days. BECK: Yeah, I can smell it. MOLTAR: (sighs) Man, Zorak used to love tacos. BECK: Here, maybe Zorak would like that. Here you go! SPACE GHOST: Zorak is dead, Beck. BECK: (looks back silently) SPACE GHOST: I exterminated him. BECK: (looks back uncomfortably) SPACE GHOST: Of course I found an excellent replacement. Haven't I, Moltar? MOLTAR: Uh, I gotta go, fix the deal. (starts to walks away) (control room monitor: ?? THREAT OR MENACE?) SPACE GHOST: Do another one, do a German one. MOLTAR: (groans) "Deutschland Mein Deutschland"? SPACE GHOST: Oh, I know, "Du, Du, Liegst Mir im Herzen". BECK: Should I get my helmet on first? SPACE GHOST: Va�ever floatzen das boot. BECK: (puts on his "helmet", which is actually a lampshade) Alright, let me have it. SPACE GHOST: Moltar, commence. BECK: (while Moltar sings) You don't mind if I take a nap, do you? It's been a long tour. I'm just gonna stretch out for a while. (leans back & closes his eyes) MOLTAR: (sings) Du, du liegst mir im Herzen; du, du liegst mir im Sinn. Du, du machst mir viel Schmerzen, wei�t nicht wie gut ich dir bin. Ja, ja, ja, ja, ... INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION MOLTAR: Ja, ja, ja, ja, wei�t nicht wie gut ich dir bin. SPACE GHOST: That was beautiful, Moltar, where'd you learn to sing like that? MOLTAR: Juilliard. SPACE GHOST: Shhh shhh, look, he's still asleep. (Beck is snoring on the monitor) MOLTAR: Doesn't he look cute with his little hat on? SPACE GHOST: (quietly) Shhh, quiet, you're gonna wake him up. MOLTAR: Let's put a pillow over his face. SPACE GHOST: No!! BECK: (wakes up, takes off his "helmet") Mmmm, that was, ahhh, thanks. SPACE GHOST: How does Beck feel? BECK: I feel so refreshed. That was very rejuventating. SPACE GHOST: Now, you're a musician, right? BECK: Yeah, yeah. SPACE GHOST: And, you have a band, correct? BECK: Yeah, I'm, I got a band. We got, we got Stagecoach on the drums... SPACE GHOST: (scoots chair forward, then scoots back & forth as Beck talks) BECK: We have Smokestack on guitar. Uh, Hound Dog is playin' the keyboards. And, uh, we have Showboat playin' the bass. SPACE GHOST: Brainwave: what if you guys were to come up here, and be my new house band? BECK: (long pause) (sighs) SPACE GHOST: (sings) I got two turntables and my mommy's home. BECK: Uh, well, we don't have turntables right now. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost would be down with Beck being his new band leader. BECK: I am down with that. Me too. SPACE GHOST: You don't bust up people's stuff for no apparent reason, do you? BECK: No, I don't, I don't, I don't do that. SPACE GHOST: Good. BECK: I don't play that. SPACE GHOST: Because I think that would be very old school of you. BECK: It's old school. SPACE GHOST: And Space Ghost would not play that. BECK: Yeah, yeah, you don't play, play that. SPACE GHOST: No, I don't. Space Ghost is not down with that. BECK: That's old school. I'm not, I'm not down with that. SPACE GHOST: And Space Ghost would have to dispose of you. BECK: Right, right, right. SPACE GHOST: Right. BECK: Right. (In control room) ZORAK: Hello, Moltar! MOLTAR: Yeeaaah! Zorak! Where did you come from? ZORAK: Downstairs. MOLTAR: Man, I thought you were dead! ZORAK: Nah, I regenerated and went downstairs. MOLTAR: You know, Space Ghost thinks he killed ya. ZORAK: Really! (evil laugh) Well, I'm gonna go out there and mess with his head! (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: Uh, Beck, you have a tag. BECK: How's that? SPACE GHOST: You got a tag on your pants. BECK: Oh, thanks. There we go. (cuts off tag with a pair of scissors) Thanks for bringing that to my attention there. SPACE GHOST: You must be quite embarrassed. BECK: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: 'Cause you know, you had a tag. BECK: Yeah, yeah. SPACE GHOST: It just sorta made you look foolish. (Lights start to flash on and off, with eerie music) SPACE GHOST: What's goin' on? ZORAK: (eerie voice) Ooooooooh! SPACE GHOST: (fearfully) Zorak! You're dead! I vaporized you! BECK: Zorak, how ya doin'? ZORAK: (eerie voice) Fiiiine! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: What do you want of me, O spectre? ZORAK: Toniiiight, you will be visited by threeee spirits! The first will.. mess with the lights! (flickflickflickflick) The next will screw with your monitor! (Beck disappears from monitor, Zorak takes his place) Hi, how's it goin'? SPACE GHOST: Aaaaah! (Beck returns to monitor) Wh-wh-what about the third? ZORAK: Uh, the third, uh... He will also mess with the lights! (flickflickflickflickflickflickflickflick) SPACE GHOST: Stop it, vile apparition! You're going to break the switch! ZORAK: Ooooooh! (flickflickflick--poof! click) Oops! (click...click) Must have blown a fuse. SPACE GHOST: See?? Look what ya done now! (Credits roll) BECK: (snores) (Pop!)
(Infomercial music begins) BECK: (subtitle: BECK HANSEN / POPULAR MUSICIAN) The past is a cancelled check. Your maximum point of power is now. BRAK: (subtitle: BRAK / TV'S "BRAK") Stop stumblin' around in the dark, and stubbin' your toe on financial ruin! Turn the light on! SPACE GHOST: Wonder what these people are talking about? Listen to another testimonial. DAVID LANDER: (subtitle: DAVID LANDER / TV's "SQUIGGY") Hello. SPACE GHOST: Yes, you too will be saying (subtitle: "HELLO, MONEY!") hello to money, and (subtitle: "HELLO, LIFE!") hello to life, with my (subtitle: NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE!) new twelve week program. (subtitle: LIFETIME GUARANTEE!) But don't take my word for it! BECK: (subtitle: STAY TUNED FOR FREE TRIAL OFFER!) And in the twelve week plan, you know, I broke through, it all happened like that. SPACE GHOST: (subtitle: GERMAN CRAFTSMAN AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE!) That was triple Grammy award winning rock musician Beck. (subtitle: FITS ANY 8-TRACK TAPE PLAYER!) Here's some more testimonials. TANSUT: (subtitle: TANSUT / TV's "THE FALL GUY") Now, I finally have enough money to live my dream... (subtitle: MAKE A CHANGE!) as a woman! BECK: (on studio monitor, subtitle: COMES WITH 7-PAGE PAMPHLET!) I bought about thirty-five thousand acres, and (subtitle: SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED!) uh, for, you know, sixty cents an acre, (subtitle: ALL TAPES ARE SHINY AND NEW! [words sparkle]) and in about twelve minutes. SPACE GHOST: (subtitle: SPACE GHOST NODS KNOWINGLY!) Mmm hmm. BECK: (subtitle: MR. HANSEN'S RESULTS ARE TYPICAL!) My profits have gone up six thousand percent, (subtitle: YOUR RESULTS MAY VARY.) and it was all because of the tapes. BRAK: (subtitle: "I SAW THE TAPES! BOY, OH BOY!!" - TV's "BRAK") I saw the tapes! Boy, oh boy!! SPACE GHOST: Need I say more? What are you waiting for? With just three easy payments of $79.95 (superimposed, in a flashing star: A $22000 VALUE) you too can have my twelve week program. (subtitle: CALL NOW!) Just pick up the phone and call! It's that easy! DAVID LANDER: (subtitle: DAVID LANDER / TV's "SQUIGGY") I'll see it when I believe it. SPACE GHOST: Believe it, Squiggy! And believe in your cash ability! BECK: (subtitle: TAPES ENCASED IN DELUXE PLASTIC!) See, I didn't have a tape machine, I just had the tapes. So, (subtitle: AS SEEN ON TV!) I mean, if I got to listen to the tapes, I would really be makin' some, some headway. SPACE GHOST: (subtitle: SORRY, NO C.O.D.s!) I order you to order now! (aims his power band) |