Episode 35 - "Gallagher" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak in commissary, sipping coffee) SPACE GHOST: They've invented the telephone!? (Opening theme & titles) TANSUT: Well, hello there, this is Tansut. Welcome to Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Tonight, funny man Bob Odenkirk, and his partner in fun, David Cross. Mmmmomma! Mmmomma, get in the cellar! Close all the shutters and chain down the cows! There's a comedy twister comin'! Here's Spaaace Ghooost! SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings, earth people, and welcome to a show from outer space! (last word echoes) I'm Space Ghost. Joining me tonight are comedians David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Moltar, I hear we have an extra special feature for the audience tonight. MOLTAR: Are you referring to the "Space Time Quiz Fun 9000"? SPACE GHOST: And who's that with, Moltar? MOLTAR: Your host, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: I'm not lying when I say I'm really excited about this new feature. But we'll save that for later in the show. Let's get to know our contestants, shall we? (Drum roll & big band intro from Way Outs) SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk; David and Bob are on the monitor as it lowers) Welcome to the show, citizens. DAVID CROSS: Thank you very much. Mr. Ghost. BOB ODENKIRK: Thank you ever so much. SPACE GHOST: You're welcome. BOB ODENKIRK: Is it, what, is it Mr. Ghost, or can we just call you Space? DAVID CROSS: Or S. Ghost? SPACE GHOST: The Native Americans call me "Broken wind clap like thunder". DAVID CROSS: Okay. BOB ODENKIRK: Alright. SPACE GHOST: But you may call me Mr. Ghost. BOB ODENKIRK: Yeah, Mr. Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Now, which of you is which? DAVID CROSS: Oh, uh, I'm David Cross... (points at himself) BOB ODENKIRK: And I'm Bob Odenkirk. Did I say my name right? DAVID CROSS: Yeah. BOB ODENKIRK: God, it's a tough name to say. SPACE GHOST: How long have you had it? BOB ODENKIRK: I just got it. Uh, Bob Odenkirk. DAVID CROSS: It, it sounds good. BOB ODENKIRK: But you know how I said it, I said "Baa Bodenkirk". SPACE GHOST: Don't worry about it, Baa. Moltar can fix it in the edit. BOB ODENKIRK: Hello, Moltar. I, just cut that out for me, will ya? Thanks, pal. MOLTAR: Too late, "pal". SPACE GHOST: Ever been interviewed by a cartoon superhero before? DAVID CROSS: Uh, this is my fifth, si- no, never. BOB ODENKIRK: And I have never, ever, this is a real treat for me, and I've never even been to outer space before this. Unless you count some, uh, parties that I had in college. (laughs) DAVID CROSS: (laughs) Right on! (they give each other "five") SPACE GHOST: I know what you mean. At superhero night school, we once had a mixer that lasted until ten PM. ZORAK: Oh no, not the night school story! SPACE GHOST: I had fourteen cups of ginger ale, and wet my... ZORAK: Stop! MOLTAR: Stop! SPACE GHOST: What, I wet my pants. I'm not ashamed, I was young. ZORAK: You were in your mid-twenties! SPACE GHOST: I was quite the cut-up. I bet you two were class clowns. BOB ODENKIRK: I, David was a class clown, I used to just laugh at him. DAVID CROSS: But I was literally a clown, I used to come in to school with the grease paint, the wig, and the floppy shoes, and a (makes "horn honk" hand gesture & sound). BOB ODENKIRK: A sad clown. DAVID CROSS: Yeah, sad, and I would go (sad voice) "Did somebody order a clown?" SPACE GHOST: So, what are your superpowers? ZORAK: Who, me? SPACE GHOST: No, Dave and Baa. ZORAK: Well, quit lookin' at me! DAVID CROSS: I have the power to tell when people are in trouble, very far away, up to, like, twenty miles away. But I don't have any other powers, so I have to run, or get a cab, or... BOB ODENKIRK: Or just feel bad. SPACE GHOST: That's weak. Baa, how about you? BOB ODENKIRK: I crave, sweets. SPACE GHOST: Is that it? Those are measly little sissy powers! I save entire planets. BOB ODENKIRK: God bless you, man. If we could, we would, but all we can do is make one or two people giggle a little bit. SPACE GHOST: And those one or two people will be giggling their way to Armageddon while you two jokers do your little "ha ha" act!! BOB ODENKIRK: (stunned silence, then laughs) What could I do? You invited me on this show! ZORAK: Blast him! SPACE GHOST: (aims his power bands at monitor) Alright, hunker down! BOB ODENKIRK: Moltar, uh, Zorak, what is the story here? MOLTAR: Take your medicine! ZORAK: Blast the other guy too! SPACE GHOST: I can't, he's wearing glasses. ZORAK: Eh, when has that stopped ya? MOLTAR: Go ahead, let him blast ya. It's really not that bad. BOB ODENKIRK: Hmmm. Whattya say, give me a laser shot? Take me out? SPACE GHOST: Oh, you want it now. BOB ODENKIRK: Would ya? SPACE GHOST: It kinda stings, are you sure? BOB ODENKIRK: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Where do you want it? BOB ODENKIRK: Take me out right in the face, middle of the face. DAVID CROSS: I don't want it, what do I gotta do? ZORAK: Keep your glasses on, four-eyes. SPACE GHOST: Here we go. (blasts Bob) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells, then gasps) Oh, holy, ho, gigi! Alright, one more. SPACE GHOST: Another one? BOB ODENKIRK: Yeah. All set. DAVID CROSS: Do I, do I want one of these? BOB ODENKIRK: I don't know, if you like to feel good, I don't know, you tell me. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Bob again) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells) SPACE GHOST: Ah well, to heck with the glasses, one for you. (blasts Dave) DAVID CROSS: Ow, no, I said no, I said no, please! SPACE GHOST: (stops) Oh, okay. DAVID CROSS: Darn! BOB ODENKIRK: Oh, mmm, it clears the sinuses. DAVID CROSS: You like that? BOB ODENKIRK: I can breathe. I can breathe for the first time in my life, and (sniff sniff) (to David) you stink! DAVID CROSS: I can't believe you could... BOB ODENKIRK: You stink! DAVID CROSS: Well, I can't breathe! (talking with stuffed nose) You gave him my clear sinuses. SPACE GHOST: Oh no. BOB ODENKIRK: And I have the brain of a chicken now! DAVID CROSS: You gave him my brain of a chicken! MOLTAR: And there's a swarm of bees flying around in my stomach. SPACE GHOST: Stop trying to improv, Moltar. MOLTAR: No, I mean it! They're stingin' my insides! Ow, ow ow, ow! (walks away from monitor) BOB ODENKIRK: (laughs) DAVID CROSS: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Ah, tell me, fellas, what makes you laugh? DAVID CROSS: Um, tickling, when I'm tickled. SPACE GHOST: Really? BOB ODENKIRK: People fall down. Big people fall down. DAVID CROSS: Yeah. BOB ODENKIRK: Adult people fall down. That make me funny. Laugh. Ha ha. SPACE GHOST: So you're telling me if I walked over across the set, and fell down... ZORAK: Do it! DAVID CROSS: Would you do it for us? BOB ODENKIRK: Would you do it for us, but act like you're not gonna, act real confident, and then fall down. DAVID CROSS: Don't tip it, let's watch. ZORAK: Yes, let's all watch. BOB ODENKIRK: Alright, here we go. SPACE GHOST: (off camera) (hums, then noise of him tripping, yelling, and falling down) DAVID CROSS: (laughs) BOB ODENKIRK: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (laying on floor in front of his desk) DAVID CROSS: Oh! BOB ODENKIRK: Did you hurt yourself? SPACE GHOST: (still laying there, pain in his voice) Uh, yes, yes I did. Did, did you like it? DAVID CROSS: Yes! BOB ODENKIRK: Well, if it hurt, yes. ZORAK: Do it again! MOLTAR: (laughs) Yeah! And this time, run across the floor with some scissors! ZORAK: Yeah, yeah! And, and put a bunch of pencils in your mouth. SPACE GHOST: I don't know... Sounds kinda dangerous. ZORAK: You think it would be, but it's not. DAVID CROSS: You know my motto, "If it hurts, do it." SPACE GHOST: Uh, okay. Zorak, help me up. Moltar, bring the scissors out here. INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION ZORAK: (makes mantis noises) DAVID CROSS: (makes noises & gestures back at Zorak) ZORAK: (laughs) Oh yeah! SPACE GHOST: Dave, are you talkin' to Zorak? DAVID CROSS: Well, yeah, Zorak and I used to hang in public high school. ZORAK: Yeah, I ???? him in gym class. DAVID CROSS: Buddy! ZORAK: Ho ho, I gotcha! DAVID CROSS: Yeah! ZORAK: I hear you! SPACE GHOST: You're lying! Zorak never went to school! I've got records on him since birth, and Zorak has never... DAVID CROSS: (angry) All right! SPACE GHOST: (grimaces at Dave) ZORAK: Blast him! SPACE GHOST: (clears his throat) We're back with David Cross and Baa Bodenkirk. So now, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick? DAVID CROSS: Uh, he's straight, and I'm gay. Wait! What did you ask? SPACE GHOST: I said, which of you is the straight man, and which of you is the wacky sidekick? DAVID CROSS: You're talking about, oh, comedy. Oh, shoot. SPACE GHOST: Of course I am! (buzz!) What was that, are the muffins ready? MOLTAR: No, you idiot, it's time for the stupid game show segment! SPACE GHOST: You're right, Moltar. (game show theme music in background) It's time for (echo effect) Space Quiz Time Fun 9000. (his face is framed with marquee lights and the words "SPACE TIME QUIZ FUN 9000") With your host, Space Ghost. (music finishes; his smile sparkles) I ask you a question, but be careful. If you get it wrong, you get blasted. If you get it right... you get blasted. ZORAK: I like this game. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, you're a contestant, too. ZORAK: (stares back wide-eyed) SPACE GHOST: Ready, guys? (cheezy organ music plays in background, with timer ticking; Dave and Bob confer; bell rings) BOB ODENKIRK: No. DAVID CROSS: We're gonna say "no". SPACE GHOST: I haven't asked you a question yet. (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings) BOB ODENKIRK: Al-, also Franklin Roosevelt. SPACE GHOST: Wrong. (blasts him) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells a little) SPACE GHOST: Okay. Next catagory. BOB ODENKIRK: Next, uh, Mama's homemade recipes, for 300. SPACE GHOST: Mama's homemade recipes for 300 it is. What is the main ingredient in my mom's delicious cheeseburger pie? (music & timer start again, Dave and Bob confer; bell rings) DAVID CROSS: J�germeister. SPACE GHOST: (buzz!) Right! It's ketchup! (blasts them) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells) Ah, man, you get addicted to that, you know what I mean? ZORAK: No. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, I have a tattoo. What is it of, and where is it? ZORAK: I don't.. SPACE GHOST: Wrong! (blasts him) ZORAK: (looking crisped, in a new way) SPACE GHOST: I got it in Panama City over spring break. Spring break, whoo! (burp!) Ooh, pardon me. You guys wanna see it? BOB ODENKIRK: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Hang on a minute... (Space Ghost is off-camera; unzipping sound, with grunts and groans) DAVID CROSS: Oh.. SPACE GHOST: There! DAVID CROSS: Oooh.. BOB ODENKIRK: Yai... DAVID CROSS: Not good. SPACE GHOST: (showing an indeterminate part of his body to Dave and Bob) It's a cute little panda, swinging from a branch. ZORAK: (low-throated laugh) MOLTAR: That's a hairy panda. DAVID CROSS: Not, not good. BOB ODENKIRK: Put the suit back on, thank you. SPACE GHOST: (puts his suit back on; cheesy organ music starts up again) Boys, we're out of time, thanks for stopping by. DAVID CROSS: Thank you, Space Ghost. BOB ODENKIRK: Thank you, thank you, hit me! DAVID CROSS: (making echo sound effect with his hands) Spaaaace Ghoooost! SPACE GHOST: You want one for the road? BOB ODENKIRK: Hit me, one for the road. SPACE GHOST: Okay, here it comes. (aims powerbands, Dave and Bob brace themselves; power bands never fire) Psych! DAVID CROSS: Aw, what a bummer! BOB ODENKIRK: (pretends to be crying) Nothin'! DAVID CROSS: He messed with your head! SPACE GHOST: Double-psych! (blasts Bob) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells) Thanks. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Dave) DAVID CROSS: (puts his hands up) Oh, come on! ZORAK: Do me too. SPACE GHOST: You hate these. ZORAK: No I don't. SPACE GHOST: Yes you do. ZORAK: C'mon! Give it to me! SPACE GHOST: No, now it's getting out of hand. ZORAK: Come on! Come on! SPACE GHOST: I'm not blasting anyone anymore BOB ODENKIRK: Aw, Spacey, Spacey old pal! ZORAK: Oh, come on! Come on, do me! MOLTAR: Do me too! ZORAK: You've never been blasted! SPACE GHOST: Oh, yes he has. (blasts Moltar) MOLTAR: Yeow! (falls backward as ray blasts through control room monitor; he lands flat on his back) Oh yeah! That's the one! ZORAK: You're purposed ignoring me! SPACE GHOST: Yes I am. Bob, one more? DAVID CROSS: I don't want this to end on a bad note. SPACE GHOST: (blasts Bob extra long) BOB ODENKIRK: (yells a lot) ZORAK: (in background) Jerk! BOB ODENKIRK: (gasping) Oh, I love you, I love you... DAVID CROSS: Me? BOB ODENKIRK: (still gasping) No, Ghostie. Spacey, I love ya. Do it again, what the... SPACE GHOST: Sick little puppies. BOB ODENKIRK: Come on, my friend, (yells) I need it, I need to feel it, (yells) I'm gettin' a jolt, (yells) MOLTAR: (still laying on his back in control room) Oh, Ghostie. (laughs) BOB ODENKIRK: I love you, man, I'd do anything for you, man. DAVID CROSS: (making "cut" gesture) Can we cut? (Credits roll) BOB ODENKIRK: What could I do? You invited me on this show! |