Episode 39 - "Pilot" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Classical music plays in background) (Lokar sits in a comfy chair) LOKAR: Good evening, I am Lokar, potentate of thug locusts, bringing you a very special glimpse at an historic episode of Space Ghost, Coast to Coast. Not many people know that in the early stages of this programme, there was a contract dispute, in which the outcome was the last-minute hiring of sub-standard Earth hero Birdman. I will be showing you many clips and out-takes from this fiasco tonight. I present to you now, the r-r-remains of Birdman, Coast to Coast. Enjoy! (Film count-down, with projector sounds) (Opening Birdman Coast to Coast them & titles) Birdman, fun as in transmission, Birdman, in the middle of the night, When you're there for Birdman, Diggin' uncle Birdman! BIRDMAN: What if I have to go to the bathroom during the interview? BOB: Relax, Harv, you'll be fine. Hey, stop worryin'. Now, I'd like you to meet the show's director, Moltar. BIRDMAN: Hey, Moltar, good to have ya aboard. MOLTAR: Yeah, well it's this, or back to solitary. BOB: Harvey, this is Lokar, he'll be your band leader. LOKAR: I prefer "musical ar-r-r-ranger", if you don't mind? Any upright anthropomorph with an appendage or two can "tickle the ivories". (plays a classical piano excerpt) Anywho, it's a delight to meet you, Birdman, charmed, I'm sure. BIRDMAN: What's with this guy, is he gonna do this on the show? MOLTAR: Uhhh, I gotta question. BOB: Yeah, babe, shoot. MOLTAR: Um, just exactly, um... What do I do? BOB: I told you, you just push the lever up and down, okay? MOLTAR: Up, down... (pushes lever up and down, control room monitor shows off-screen shot of Avenger) Up, down... (pushes lever up and down, monitor shows Lokar in keyboard pod) Down... (pushes lever) Wait a minute! (Beep!) (Shot of empty set; Birdman crashes through ceiling, feet dangling) BIRDMAN: Uh, a little help up here. (Beep!) BIRDMAN: (flies down from above, lands on stage; speaks nervously) Um, good evening, um, welcome to the show, I'm, er, your host, uh.. (echo effect) Biiiiiiird Maaaaaaan! (camera lens cracks, woman screams) Do I have to pay for that? (Beep!) BIRDMAN: Good evening everyone, um, I'm your show, Birdman... hey, I'm sorry, sorry. (Beep!) BIRDMAN: I just flew in from the coast, and, and, and boy, are my arms... oh, wings, you wanted wings there? I mean, wings.. (Beep!) BIRDMAN: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Eh, we do it again? (Beep!) BIRDMAN: Um, well... Hey, have you heard about this, grunge rock music the kids are into? It's, um, pretty weird... LOKAR: Yippity yappity yappity! My good man, what are you going on about? BIRDMAN: Um, I'm trying to do my opening monologue. LOKAR: Opening monologue? It sounded more like you were delivering a eulogy! (laughs) (Beep!) AVENGER: (squawks) BIRDMAN: (whispers) Should I start now? BOB: Yeah. BIRDMAN: Howdy, folks, let's say hello to our director, uh... MOLTAR: Moltar! BIRDMAN: My faithful sidekick, Avenger. AVENGER: (bows, then squawks) BIRDMAN: And our band leader... LOKAR: Musical di-r-r-rector, Lokar! Observe! (plays something classical on keyboard) BIRDMAN: (sighs) ZORAK: (off camera) You're pathetic, Lokar. BIRDMAN: What was that? LOKAR: What was that? BOB: Well, that's Zorak... ZORAK: Hello. BOB: He's our backup bug, you know, in case somethin' happens to Liberace here? LOKAR: I wish my br-r-r-other George was here! (Beep!) BIRDMAN: Oh, I'm stupid! BOB: Yeah, just pick up where you left off, Harv, it'll work, just fine. BIRDMAN: Um, tonight's guests are, um... Who are the guests, anyway? MOLTAR: Ice and Tower, American Gladiators. BIRDMAN: Is that it? Oh well, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, Tower and Ice. (Monitor lowers with Tower and Ice, followed by dead silence) BOB: Harvey? LOKAR: Well, what are you waiting for, say something. BIRDMAN: I will, just gimme a second. (pause) What should I say? BOB: Anything you like, just, uh, just wing it. okay, Harv? BIRDMAN: (pause) Ohhhhh, the pressure! (Beep!) BIRDMAN: Um, welcome, Ice and Tower, it's, it's great to have you here. ICE: (laughs) BIRDMAN: Ummmm... TOWER: How are you doin'? I mean, are you... BIRDMAN: Well, not so great, actually, I've got my entire life riding on this show, and if it doesn't work out, it probably means the end of my marriage and my career. LOKAR: Oh, my, gape at me, I'm the pitiful tr-ragic Birdman. I flit about in total depression! Oh, poor pitiful me! My world is an irventine pile! BIRDMAN: Okay, that's enough. I can't work with this bug. He's getting on my nerves, and I don't understand a thing he says anyways. BOB: Harvey, Harvey, calm down. Just do the show, okay? BIRDMAN: Yeah, okay. LOKAR: My hatred for you... is delicious. (Beep!) AVENGER: (squawks and squawks, in background) BIRDMAN: So, what's your position, uh, on this grunge music? TOWER: I'd have to say my favorite event is the joust, um, it's a great feeling... LOKAR: I say, can't you do anything to squelch the cacophonous squawking of your mite-ridden cohort? BIRDMAN: Speak English, sissy. LOKAR: Might I suggest that the beast may provide more entertainment value if I lop its shrieking head off! BIRDMAN: That's it! Avenger, ho! AVENGER: (streaks across stage toward Lokar, beats the living bejeebers out of him) (film trailer, end of movie reel noise) LOKAR: I'm sorry... But seeing that again... Oh, please! Oh, please, go away! INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION LOKAR: And now, the conclusion of Birdman Coast to Coast. And Mother, stop the VCR, your Sonny Boy's not in this part. (Film count-down, with projector sounds) ZORAK: (in keyboard pod, plays "Chopsticks") (to Moltar) Lokar's in the hospital. (evil laugh) (Beep!) BIRDMAN: So, what's it like being a Gladiator? ICE: It's, uh, it's a lifestyle that's a lot of fun, being Gladiator and superhero among kids. BIRDMAN: You actually consider yourselves superheroes? TOWER: Yeah. BIRDMAN: Hah! You fight mere mortals. Superheroes fight villains, evil villains. ICE: Actually, I do think we fight evil villains, don't we? TOWER: Well, we got some people, yeah, they're pretty doggone evil, I'll tell you that. BIRDMAN: Yeah, right. Look out for Ted, the volunteer fireman. Woooo! TOWER: Are you challenging us? ZORAK: Sounds like a challenge to me! BIRDMAN: Listen, Zorak, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. ZORAK: I don't like you now. TOWER Tower & ICE: ICE: (laugh) MOLTAR: (laughs) BIRDMAN: Can't I get any respect around here? On my own show? TOWER Tower & ICE: ICE: No, probably not MOLTAR: No. BIRDMAN: I demand respect, I'm Birdman! (echo effect) Biiiiiird Maaaaaan! ZORAK: Yeah, whatever. BIRDMAN: Ooooh, I hate you, I hate you all! (flies off) TOWER: Now, if he was a Gladiator, what would we call him? Like, Creampuff or something? (laughs) MOLTAR: (laughs) ZORAK: (laughs) That's rich! BIRDMAN: (flies back) I heard that! (Beep!) BOB: Harvey! Harvey, pull yourself together! It's gettin' late here, man. BIRDMAN: Okay, okay, get off my back! (Holy Ra! Sun's going down! Must finish interview before my secret is revealed!) BOB: Harvey, while we're young, alright? BIRDMAN: Um, okay. Y'know, my wife always wants me to do things around the house, like move stuff, y'know, open the pickle jar. TOWER: The pickle jar? (laughs) ICE: The pickle jar. BIRDMAN: Do you have that problem? ICE: You know, this is what I tell people, a lot of people want me to open jars, help them move. These muscles are for show. (laughs) BIRDMAN: (dozes off for a second) TOWER: Later, not! (laughs) ICE: These things really don't work! (laughs) BIRDMAN: Actually, my wife is thinking of leaving me. TOWER Tower & ICE: ICE: (laugh) BIRDMAN: I'm serious. (Beep!) ICE: Imagine about twenty thousand people watching you... BIRDMAN: (nodding off as she speaks) ICE: And it's very dark on the floor, and you can't see anything in front of you, and I tripped on a mat! (laughs) BIRDMAN: (asleep at his desk) MOLTAR: Birdman! BIRDMAN: (wakes up) Uh, here, here. BOB: Harvey, you all right? BIRDMAN: Uh, wha? Oh, um, sorry, uh, low blood sugar. BOB: Hey, can, can we get a peon to bring this loser some coffee? MOLTAR: Creeeeam Puff! (Beep!) BOB: What do you mean you can't do this show at night? BIRDMAN: (struggling to stay away) Without.. sun's.. rays.. Birdman.. loses.. energy. BOB: You gotta be kiddin' me! Falcon 7 didn't say anything about this! BIRDMAN: Wait.. 'til.. morning.. Birdman.. be.. fine. (drops head on desk, falls asleep) ZORAK: Well, thanks for coming, guys. Say good night, Birdman. BIRDMAN: (mumbles in his sleep) Uh, goodnight, Bird... man. ICE: Thank you. BIRDMAN: Goodnight... TOWER: Cream puff. (both laugh) MOLTAR: I guess it's past his bedtime. ZORAK: Let's cook him. I bet he tastes like chicken. (laughs) BIRDMAN: (talking in his sleep) I'll be good... BOB: Harvey! BIRDMAN: (wakes up) Uh, oh, uh, are we done? BOB: No, Harvey, but you are. BIRDMAN: What? BOB: Birdman, YOU'RE FIRED! MOLTAR: (laughs) ZORAK: (laughs) Yeah! BIRDMAN: Look, you can't do this to me. I need this job! I'll do anything! I'll get a sunlamp, you don't understand, you can't fire me, I'm the Birdman! ZORAK: The Birdman? BIRDMAN: The Birdman's alright, he's okay! Don't you know who you're dealing with here? The Birdman, the Birdman! Biiiiird Maan! (collapses on his desk, sobs, then falls asleep again) MOLTAR: So, I guess we're cancelled, right? ZORAK: Hey, good news, everyone! I just got off the phone with Tad Ghostal's agent, and everything's copacetic. Tomorrow, we start shooting "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". How about that, gang? MOLTAR: (screams) ZORAK: (screams) (Film trailer, end of movie reel noise) LOKAR: And so, Birdman's tears flowed on and on. A little birdie told me he's now selling tent campers in Indiana. 'Tis true! I hear that if you say that Avenger sent you, the propane tanks are free! Good night, all! Kiss kiss! (Credits roll) BIRDMAN: (very tired voice) Biiiiird Maaaaan.... (head hits the desk) |