Episode 52 - "Suckup" |
|
|
BEGIN TRANSMISSION (In the commissary) SPACE GHOST: I'm putting you idiots on notice. I want tonight's show to go off like clockwork, or else. ZORAK: Or else what? SPACE GHOST: I'll heave you into the moat. ZORAK: We have a moat? MOLTAR: Is it one of those above-ground redwood jobs? SPACE GHOST: Nope, it's eight foot deep, steel reinforced concrete, with a smooth gunnite surface. MOLTAR: D'ya have that installed with a permaflex? ZORAK: You got the polyurethane coat? MOLTAR: If you didn't, you got robbed. SPACE GHOST: Listen, we have two of TV's movers and shakers on the show tonight. If we play our cards right, we'll all be frolicking on the dock as we drink from the sweet gravy boat of success. MOLTAR: Mmmm, gravy! I can almost taste it. SPACE GHOST: Oh, why don't you go on up and order a big bowl of it? ZORAK: Hey, uh, get me one too. SPACE GHOST: Yes! Get us all one. (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in, with gravy mustache) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost. We've all been drinking gravy, and preparing to suck up mightily to tonight's guests, (reads with great difficulty) Talk show Soup person John host Henson, and Goen Bob Entertainment person Tonight. BRAK: (off stage) I heard Hanson was here. SPACE GHOST: Not Hanson, Henson. John Henson BRAK: Ohhh. Oh. Hey, Space Ghost, you got somethin' on your face. ZORAK: It's gravy. BRAK: Where'd ya get gravy?! SPACE GHOST: In the commissary. BRAK: What is it, giblet?! MOLTAR: No, it's brown. BRAK: Brown?! I'm goin' down there now! (scats to himself) SPACE GHOST: Zorak, play something funky, I need to go get a Wet Wipe. (Way Outs play some schmaltzy TV theme music) SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk, with a clean lip) Alrighty then! Please say hello to our first guest, Mr. John Henson. JOHN HENSON: (lowers from ceiling on monitor) Hey, how are ya? SPACE GHOST: No, Mr. Henson, the question is, how are you? You comfy? You know, you look quite beautiful tonight. JOHN HENSON: Hm? Sorry? SPACE GHOST: I said, you look very handsome tonight. You know, I know this girl, she'd be perfect for you. JOHN HENSON: Do ya. SPACE GHOST: She's really nice. Actually, she's my sister Judy. You'd like her a lot. JOHN HENSON: Right. ZORAK: (whispering) Hey! MOLTAR: (whispering) Hey! Hey, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: She's so nice. JOHN HENSON: Right! MOLTAR: (whispering) Hey, Space Ghost, not Judy. No, no no, pass. ZORAK: (whispering) Ya tryin' to scare him away? SPACE GHOST: (low voice) Sssh, we'll find somebody else to play my sister. MOLTAR: (whispering) You're gonna screw up this whole deal! SPACE GHOST: (low voice) Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. (normal voice) Because we want you to have a pleasant time on the show. JOHN HENSON: Okay. SPACE GHOST: And after the show. JOHN HENSON: (long pause) Oh. SPACE GHOST: Alrighty then. It's a date! Now, back to your stunning good looks. Do you use a conditioner or a creme rinse for your defect? I mean hair, hair hair is what I said. JOHN HENSON: Uh, well, I have a skunk spot (points to side of his head) SPACE GHOST: (gasps) You're kidding! We wouldn't have even noticed if you hadn't pointed it out. MOLTAR: Really? Uh, which si-, ooh, yeah, right there. ZORAK: Looks like a third eye to me. SPACE GHOST: Zorak! MOLTAR: (low voice) Shhhh! Hey, hey hey hey, ix-nay on the ot-spay. SPACE GHOST: (low voice) You idiot! ZORAK: I, I mean, I like it. I like the third eye. It's neat. SPACE GHOST: That's the nicest third eye I've ever seen. JOHN HENSON: You like that, don't you? SPACE GHOST: Love it. JOHN HENSON: Big with the chicks! MOLTAR: Oh, your money, baby! JOHN HENSON: Am I? ZORAK: (sings) Let's hear it for the spo-o-o-ot! JOHN HENSON: Zorak, please. SPACE GHOST: You know, Mr. Henson, around these parts, we often refer to your show as the greatest program ever in the history of television. You have any pet names for my show? JOHN HENSON: Uh, that freaky cartoon thing, and, um, sometimes we just call it, uh, The Zorak Hour. SPACE GHOST: What? ZORAK: Oh yeah! (Scene dissolves with harp music, to Zorak's imagination sequence) ZORAK: And so I crushed it in my bare hands! (evil laugh) AUDIENCE: (laughter) SPACE GHOST: (in the keyboard pod) (laughs) ZORAK: Hey, shut up, fat boy! SPACE GHOST: As you wish, my green lord. ZORAK: Now, play me some music, and it better be good! AUDIENCE: (laughter) SPACE GHOST: Don't hurt me, master. ZORAK: I'm comin' to get you! (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: No! Put that down! Not that! No! No!! (Screen dissolves with harp music, back to original set) ZORAK: (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: The Zorak Hour? JOHN HENSON: I shouldn't have said that. I... SPACE GHOST: (aims power bands at John) How do you feel about The Zorak Hour now? JOHN HENSON: Oh, um... I'd, I'd feel fear. MOLTAR: (whispering) Space Ghost, don't do this. ZORAK: (whispering) You're blowin' it! SPACE GHOST: (I'm blowing it!) John! Buddy! (stops aiming) Hold on, I wasn't gonna shoot ya! Just kidding! We do that with everybody here. We're still friends, right? JOHN HENSON: Yeah, I would consider you and I to be very good friends, very close friends, in fact, I, I don't know if I'm movin' too quickly for you, but I, I think you might be my best friend at this point. SPACE GHOST: Really?? JOHN HENSON: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: So, you'll let me host your show sometime. JOHN HENSON: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Which will, of course, lead to a lucrative picture deal. JOHN HENSON: (nods) Absolutely. SPACE GHOST: Can we go to the fun place? JOHN HENSON: The fun time place, sure, sure! SPACE GHOST: I'm gonna drop your name at parties! JOHN HENSON: (laughs) Drop it, man. (sound of glass breaking) Let it fall, drop that name and see where it gets ya. SPACE GHOST: We're a team now, Johnny. Let's go kick some butt. JOHN HENSON: Okay, deal. SPACE GHOST: (low voice) Starting with Oprah. JOHN HENSON: I don't think anyone's beaten Oprah, man. SPACE GHOST: Wait 'til she tastes my vanilla thunder! JOHN HENSON: I'd like to see you dunk over Oprah. You think you could post her up? SPACE GHOST: Oh, I'd post her up all right. You don't have to worry about that, my man. JOHN HENSON: (laughs) Take Oprah to the hole, I dare ya! SPACE GHOST: I'm off to take Oprah to the hole. (flies off) (floating in space) I'll never be able to take Oprah to the hole. I'll just fly around a while and lie about it later. JOHN HENSON: Um, I've often thought that deep inside me there's a big Slavic nurse, just waiting to get out. MOLTAR: Whoa! Where did that come from? ZORAK: Is that true? JOHN HENSON: No, I just made that up. MOLTAR: Oh. 'Cause, I was gonna ask you to release her, if you could. ZORAK: Release her! Release the big Slavic nurse! JOHN HENSON: Yeah, I bet you'd like me to, wouldn't ya? MOLTAR: Well... sure. ZORAK: Of course. JOHN HENSON: You and everybody else, pal. Sorry, you don't have the money. SPACE GHOST: (bounds back to his desk) Oprah's outside game was a shambles. I exploited her weaknesses time and again. ZORAK: You just flew around for a while, didn't you? SPACE GHOST: Um, Oprah and I... dribbled the ball. MOLTAR: Didn't ya?! SPACE GHOST: Yes. Mr. Henson, does your tongue ever get sore? JOHN HENSON: I'm sorry? SPACE GHOST: From talkin'. 'Cause mine sure does. After fifteen minutes of this, man, the ol' lickin' strip swells up like a big meatball. JOHN HENSON: My tongue ever get sore? SPACE GHOST: Yeah, you know, when you... JOHN HENSON: What kind of question is that? What kind of a person do you think I am? "Does my tongue get sore?" SPACE GHOST: Uh, did I say something wrong? JOHN HENSON: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: (Backpeddle, rephrase question.) Hey, John, wanna see my tongue? JOHN HENSON: No! SPACE GHOST: (Oh no, I've lost it.) JOHN HENSON: (to Zorak) Is it me? ZORAK: It's not you, John, you're great. It's him! SPACE GHOST: (hesitant) John, I thought we were friends. JOHN HENSON: You know that I promote you, right? SPACE GHOST: Yes, sir. JOHN HENSON: Right, so careful. I made you, and I can break you. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, but I still get to host your show, right? JOHN HENSON: I don't know if you could carry one off. SPACE GHOST: Hey, no fair, you said I could... (sound of bee buzzing) Aaah! A bee! A bee! There's a bee in the studio! Aaaah! JOHN HENSON: Oh no! INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION SPACE GHOST: This is fun, are you ready for this? Mr. Henson and I were actually co-presenters at the Dallas Local Ace awards. Real good guy, yep, real good guy. ZORAK: It's, um... SPACE GHOST: (belches) Oh, thank heavens, I thought he'd never leave. MOLTAR: (throws lever) Uh, Bob, can you hear me? (monitor shows text:) RECEIVING VAYA CON BOB GOEN: (on control room monitor) ... you either. MOLTAR: Bob! BOB GOEN: Hey, how you doin'? This David? MOLTAR: No, Bob, it's Moltar. Are you... BOB GOEN: How you doin', Space Ghost? MOLTAR: Eh, no no Bob, Moltar. I'm gonna patch you through to Space Ghost. BOB GOEN: Okay, I'll refer to him as... MOLTAR: Space Ghost. BOB GOEN: Space Ghost? MOLTAR: Space Ghost! BOB GOEN: 'Kay, great. MOLTAR: Ten seconds, Bob. BOB GOEN: Uh, you know, I enjoy the work you do, and... MOLTAR: Bob? BOB GOEN: You know, interviewing celebrities is not... MOLTAR: Bob? BOB GOEN: ... easy, and watching you do it... MOLTAR: Bob! BOB GOEN: Pardon? MOLTAR: I'm Moltar. SPACE GHOST: Ladies and gentlemen, host of Entertainment Tonight, Bob Goen! BOB GOEN: (lowers from ceiling on monitor) Uh... SPACE GHOST: Hey, Bob, how's it Goen? (laughs) Get it? BOB GOEN: Yeah, yeah, life's pretty cool. SPACE GHOST: Know what I think, Bob? I think you're pretty cool. BOB GOEN: Wh-, why is that? SPACE GHOST: Oh, you know. A lot of different reasons. BOB GOEN: (nods) SPACE GHOST: You are one pretty man. BOB GOEN: Yeah. Aren't you envious? SPACE GHOST: (laughs forcefully) BOB GOEN: Really? That's an interesting response. SPACE GHOST: Interesting is my middle name, Bob. That's why you should have me on your show as soon as possible. BOB GOEN: You know, see, you're thinkin', you, you have a big, uh, a grand career plan, don't you? SPACE GHOST: I'm only thinking of you, Bob. BOB GOEN: You are? SPACE GHOST: (quietly) And me, being on Entertainment Tonight. BOB GOEN: You know, we get a lotta letters, asking about, uh, when we're gonna have a, a animated talk show from outer space on the show. SPACE GHOST: And? BOB GOEN: And, so now that you're here... ZORAK: Hey! What about us? SPACE GHOST: Yeah, you guys too. MOLTAR: You were gonna leave us out, weren't ya? ZORAK: Yeah, and take all the glory for yourself! SPACE GHOST: No, no, we're a team! (to Bob, quietly) They mean nothing to me, Bob. BOB GOEN: Yeah, I can understand. SPACE GHOST: Dead.. weight. BOB GOEN: Is your, your, uh, schedule is pretty open? SPACE GHOST: Well, let me tell ya, Bob. I'm busy for about fifteen minutes a week, but outside of that, I'm all yours. BOB GOEN: Oh. Wow. Okay. SPACE GHOST: All I ask in return is a couple of tickets to see your predecessor, my man Tesh. BOB GOEN: I can get you there. I can get you in the door. SPACE GHOST: Bob, you're the best. I'll have my people call your people. BOB GOEN: Really? SPACE GHOST: Actually, I'll probably just call you myself from a payphone. BOB GOEN: I see. SPACE GHOST: Hey, I have an idea! Why don't you practice interviewing me now, then it will be more spontaneous when we do it for real later. BOB GOEN: That's right, yeah. Uh, so, uh, Space Ghost, if you could be any animal in the world, what would it be, and why? SPACE GHOST: Um... I would think... an eel. BOB GOEN: Why would you say an eel? SPACE GHOST: Just because they're so neat. BOB GOEN: (nods) 'Kay, great. Uh... MOLTAR: Space Ghost! (monitor shows text:) COMMISARY SECTOR A L E R T COMMISARY SECTOR DANGER. SPACE GHOST: What is it, Moltar? MOLTAR: There's a flood in the commissary! SPACE GHOST: What!? MOLTAR: Brak left the gravy faucet on! SPACE GHOST: (gasps) The gravy! MOLTAR: It's a brown onion-flavored nightmare down there! BRAK: Give me some biscuits, quick! (keeps jabbering) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, seal the bulkhead! MOLTAR: (throws lever) It's too late for that! SPACE GHOST: Bilge out the bow and port thrusters! (monitor shows text:) DANGER MOLTAR: (throws lever) It's just too much gravy! The pumps can't take it! BRAK: It's flooding like you wouldn't blblblblbl.... SPACE GHOST: Bob, I need to get down there before Brak drowns in rich creamy coagulated meat juices! (flies off) BOB GOEN: Oh. (back to control room monitor) Thanks, Space Ghost, I've really enjoyed myself. MOLTAR: (sighs) No, Bob, it's Moltar. BOB GOEN: Exactly, yeah. Um... ZORAK: Save your breath, chief. MOLTAR: Space Ghost is gone. BOB GOEN: Oh, really? ZORAK: He blew you off! BOB GOEN: You know what? MOLTAR: Uh... BOB GOEN: That Tesh concert, forget it. He's not goin'. (Credits roll) BRAK: I need to sop up the juicy flavor of the blblblblblbl.... |