Episode 42 - "Switcheroo" |
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION (Opening theme & titles, with voiceover) TANSUT: Hello, and how do, folks. This is Tansut, fearless space criminal, welcoming you to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". I'm not allowed to say who the guests are tonight, because two villains, whose name I won't mention but they're on this show, said they would hit me in the face if I told anybody. (crying) I don't know what the point of being an announcer is, if I can't announce something. (sobbing) I hate this job! SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Greetings! I'm Space Ghost! On tonight's show, we have Ohio state senator Howard Metzenbaum, and America's most loveable drunk, Foster Brooks. ZORAK: (wearing a cap) Ready when you are. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, what's that on your head? ZORAK: A cap. SPACE GHOST: Uh huh. And, does that say "Sci-Fi Con '97"? ZORAK: Y'know, I believe it does. SPACE GHOST: And when was this 'quote' 'unquote' "Sci-Fi Con '97"? ZORAK: Oh, uh, last weekend. SPACE GHOST: (stares in silence) ZORAK: And, all last week. SPACE GHOST: Here? On Ghost Planet? Why wasn't I invited? ZORAK: We only invite guests of honor, everyone else is $4.50 a day, or twelve bucks for the weekend. SPACE GHOST: Really! ZORAK: Oh yeah. SPACE GHOST: Well then, who was your "guest of honor"? ZORAK: Bill Mumy. MOLTAR: He signed my helmet. SPACE GHOST: Bill Mumy? You honored Bill Mumy? What did the fa-a-amous Bill Mumy do to get invited. MOLTAR: Oh, only "Babylon 5"... ZORAK: "Lost in Space"... MOLTAR: "Twilight Zone"... ZORAK: "Space Cases"... MOLTAR: Oh, and he was the only one to play the child version of Darin Stevens on "Bewitched". (monitor shows Zorak, with text:) CAM 152 STEP 132 THE ENTIRE APPARATUS IS THEN VIBRATED UP AND DOWN SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk while they talk) ZORAK: "Bewitched" isn't sci-fi. MOLTAR: It's got witches. ZORAK: Oh yeah, magic. I'll give you that one. MOLTAR: Duh! SPACE GHOST: Okay, okay, okay! I can't believe this! I sit here with you guys week after week, and here you go behind my back and invite Mumy! MOLTAR: Uh, he's your first guest. (monitor shows Space Ghost at his desk, with text:) CAM 463 DISTANCE TO NEXT REST STOP: 50 MILES SPACE GHOST: Eh, my first guest? Where's Metzenbaum?! MOLTAR: Uh, he's been... detained. SPACE GHOST: "Detained"? MOLTAR: On the planet Rumyungyunson... son. SPACE GHOST: There is no planet Rumyungyunsonson. MOLTAR: Well... that's where he is. SPACE GHOST: Zorak? ZORAK: Don't look at me. SPACE GHOST: You didn't even book Howard Metzenbaum, did you? MOLTAR: (silence) SPACE GHOST: Did you!?! MOLTAR: Here's Bill. SPACE GHOST: Don't do it. MOLTAR: C'mon, he came a long way. SPACE GHOST: (starts blasting his monitor screen continuously) MOLTAR: Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: I'm just gonna keep on blasting the screen until ya get rid of him. MOLTAR: (to Bill) Uh, can't let ya out there just yet, Bill. We're, uh, havin' some technical problems. (monitor shows mirror image text:) DirecPC OU ORDINATE SATELLISE BILL MUMY: Thank you, sir. (monitor shows mirror image text:) DIRECTMENT DU FABRSCAST SPACE GHOST: (tries to fire power bands, but no blast) Aw nuts. Ran outta juice. ZORAK: Now, Moltar! MOLTAR: Now! (throws lever, sending Bill to the studio monitor) BILL MUMY: Space Ghost! Pleasure to be with you here, sir. Zorak, you're lookin' good. ZORAK: Thanks, Bill. BILL MUMY: Moltar, how ya doin', man? MOLTAR: Eh... SPACE GHOST: He can sit there, but I won't talk to him. (hums in background and doodles) ZORAK: (to Bill) You have a good time at Sci-Fi Con? BILL MUMY: Yeah, absolutely. MOLTAR: Man, the costume show was awesome! BILL MUMY: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: (humming and singing quitely) I'm not listening to you... ZORAK: It was a great time had by all... except for Space Ghost. (evil laugh) BILL MUMY: Yup, yeah, it was a, it was a fun eight days, y'know... SPACE GHOST: (shouts) Look, I drew a piggy! (hold up picture) BILL MUMY: (nods) ZORAK: Ih, uh... So, Bill, tell us about the worst "Lost in Space" episode ever. MOLTAR: Yeah, like you told the panel at the convention. (monitor shows mirror image text:) MIKES@PKWARE.COM GMKOENIG@ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU BILL MUMY: Oh yeah. (Space Ghost gibbers & mocks him in the background) Well, this was called "The Great Vegetable Rebellion", and the Jupiter 2 had landed on a planet with sentient vegetables, and while we were collecting specimens for our galley, for dinner, we started this great rebellion, by this talking carrot, named Tybo. That's even more than I'd even hoped to remember. SPACE GHOST: (mocking) ... more than I ever hoped to remember. Blb blb blb... (makes raspberry sounds) Now, if you'll excuse me, boys, I've got to go. (flies off) ZORAK: Uh... So, Bill, uh, what was the name of that carrot again? BILL MUMY: Tybo. (screen zaps & goes black, except for fading white dot in the middle) MOLTAR: (throwing levers) Uh, Bill? (monitor shows fading dot and text:) NON STANDARD REFERENCE ABORT? RETRY? FAIL? SPACE GHOST: (bounds back in to desk) There! That's done! ZORAK: What did you just do? SPACE GHOST: Oh, I unplugged the feed. (sarcastically) That's okay, isn't it, Moltar? MOLTAR: You idiot! Why did you do that? Now I gotta go downstairs and reboot the entire system. (walks off) (monitor shows Space Ghost, with text:) PLEASE KEEP ARMS INSIDE THE VEHICLE SPACE GHOST: Y'know, Zorak, I've been thinking of having my own convention. It'll be called (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) And it won't involve you! Because I don't need you! ZORAK: Pfff! Knock yourself out. INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION RESUME TRANSMISSION SPACE GHOST: What're you wearing? ZORAK: (wearing Klingon mask and armor, speaking in Klingon voice) I am Gowron, leader of the Klingon High Council! You have dishonored your family name, Worf, son of Mogh! SPACE GHOST: What? ZORAK: I said, I am Gowron, leader of the Klingon High Counc- SPACE GHOST: Take off that stupid hat! ZORAK: (pause) It's a mask. SPACE GHOST: I don't care what it is, it's not getting you into "Space Ghost Con '97". ZORAK: (sits there) SPACE GHOST: Take it off! MOLTAR: Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Yes? MOLTAR: Um, Foster Brooks has, uh... SPACE GHOST: Also been detained on the planet Rumyungyunsonson? MOLTAR: (sighs) Yes. (Monitor shows famous e-mail addresses again) SPACE GHOST: And who do you propose that we replace him with? MOLTAR: Well... Mark Hamill's here. SPACE GHOST: The "Star Wars" guy? MOLTAR: Ahem! Correction! THE "Star Wars" guy! SPACE GHOST: He was here for your dumb convention, wasn't he? MOLTAR: Oh, no no no no no no no, he was here for the... uh... the "Corvette Summer" convention. ZORAK: Yeah, the "Corvette Summer" convention. At the, La Quinta. MOLTAR: Uh, yeah, it's, uh, down the, um, street. (monitor shows text:) GERSON V. K. HOPE YOU DECIPHER THIS ONE BUD ZORAK: Yeah, down the street. SPACE GHOST: Huh. Well, maybe he'll take part in, ahem, (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) ZORAK: (laughs) Maybe he won't. MOLTAR: (laughs) Yeah, maybe he's got other plans. SPACE GHOST: So, what do you guys know? MARK HAMILL: (appears on studio monitor) Uh, it's Mark Hamill here. SPACE GHOST: Whoa! Look who's here, young people! It's none other than Duke Fartknocker! MOLTAR: Luke Skywalker! SPACE GHOST: Luke Skytopper of the popular "Space War" science fiction mega-empire franchise. MARK HAMILL: Uh, I think it's much more along the lines of a fairy tale than it is straightforward science fiction. SPACE GHOST: Whatever, professor. How's Chewwy? MARK HAMILL: Chewwy? Well, you know... SPACE GHOST: (laughs) You and me both! MARK HAMILL: (stares back) SPACE GHOST: But seriously, Mark... (very quietly) was it scary working with Lord Vader? MOLTAR: (making Darth Vader breathing noises) MARK HAMILL: James Earl Jones is just such a gifted person, and- ZORAK: Prowse. SPACE GHOST: Eh? ZORAK: David Prowse. He played Vader in the movie version, not Jones. MARK HAMILL: (laughs) Hey, I said a dirty word. ZORAK: Oh, you did, pal! MOLTAR: David Prowse! Are you joking? If this is a joke, I'm not laughing. ZORAK: Prowse is the true Lord Vader! MOLTAR: Prowse? Blpblpblp! He was a figurehead! It is Jones who is the true Vader! ZORAK: Answer me this, MOLTAR: who patrolled the galleys of the Death Star? MOLTAR: The ewoks! SPACE GHOST: (laughs) MARK HAMILL: (laughs) ZORAK: Don't patronize me, bantha fodder! MOLTAR: Well, if you consulted your handbook, you would know it was the storm troopers. ZORAK: Yes, of course, but who led them, Moltar? Huh? Who led 'em? Refresh my memory on this one, if you please! MOLTAR: (silent) ZORAK: Would that be Pr... Pr.. Pr.. Pro-w-w-w-w-wse? MOLTAR: Prowse, but he- ZORAK: Exactly! MOLTAR: But- ZORAK: Exactly, Moltar! That's exactly what I thought! SPACE GHOST: Hey, what do you fellas thing of those Ghostbusters? ZORAK: (stares back) SPACE GHOST: You think they'd scare me because I'm, you know, I'm a ghost. MARK HAMILL: (stares back) SPACE GHOST: I mean, hey, Zorak, who ya gonna call? ZORAK: I'm gonna call you an idiot. SPACE GHOST: What! ZORAK: You heard me! Mouth breather! ("Star Wars" type music begins playing in background) VOICE: Trust in your feelings, Tad. Use the powerbands! SPACE GHOST: (blast Zorak with destructo ray; music ends) SPACE GHOST: (to Mark) Wouldn't be interested in a new career as a sidekick, would you? MARK HAMILL: Well, you know, I, uh, it beats Ed McMahon. SPACE GHOST: I must warn you, you would be required to laugh at the outrageously hilarious antics of a talk show in outer space! MARK HAMILL: (in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes! (normal voice) I can do that. SPACE GHOST: I like your attitude, Hamill. Come in Monday for paperwork. MARK HAMILL: (in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes! SPACE GHOST: (laughs) Whoa, save some for the convention, buddy! MARK HAMILL: (in Ed McMahon voice) Ho ho ho ho, yes! SPACE GHOST: (stares back) MARK HAMILL: (clears his throat) SPACE GHOST: So, what do you do at these conventions? Do you, say, show how you ate breakfast on Tattooine? Is it Tattooine? MARK HAMILL: Oh, me eating cereal would be (makes slurping sounds through his hands) SPACE GHOST: Hmmm, impressive. MOLTAR: This is just sad. (Monitor shows huge block of impossible to read but possibly French text) SPACE GHOST: That's amazing, Mark. Would you bring your imaginary bowl of cereal to my convention? MARK HAMILL: That'd be great, if I'm, um, in your galaxy, I'll stop on by. SPACE GHOST: Great! Then I'll see you at "Space Ghost Con '97". MARK HAMILL: Thank you so much for having me. (image fades from monitor) ZORAK: I don't know, he sounded iffy. SPACE GHOST: That's not the Luke Skytopper I know! ZORAK: You don't know Luke Skywalker! SPACE GHOST: Can you ever really know a man, Zorak? (syrupy music swells in background) I mean, sure, you can know what he does, where he lives, the way his hair smells in the morning after a brief rain... (music stops) Wait a second! I've got to buy supplies for (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) (flies off to office supply store, enters by crashing through ceiling) What a selection! You don't have to be a superhero to appreciate these super-savings! MOLTAR: (to Mark, on control room monitor) (impersonating James Earl Jones) "This is CNN." MARK HAMILL: (laughs) MOLTAR: Oh, and, uh, "Luke, I am your father." MARK HAMILL: (laughs) MOLTAR: Did you get to sign my helmet yet? Uh, "son"? MARK HAMILL: Yeah, I signed it. MOLTAR: It was great having you at our "Sci-Fi Con", man. MARK HAMILL: Thanks so much. MOLTAR: You're not, really going to "Space Ghost Con", are you? MARK HAMILL: No, no, no, I was, I was workin' and I have another job after this, actually. MOLTAR: Good! (Space Ghost is sitting behind his desk, which is piled high with assorted souvenir-type goodies and a sign) SPACE GHOST: Greetings! The future of convention excitement awaits you at (begin echo effect) "Space Ghost Con '97"! (end echo) VOICE: ("Star Wars" type music begins playing in background) Use the phone, Tad! SPACE GHOST: The phone lines are open to order your tickets to "Space Ghost Con '97"! Featuring me, Space Ghost! Call 1-800-555- (echo) SG97 (end echo) ##839-174982 extension 49. (preceding numbers also subtitled on screen) Call now, the lines are open, and I'm standing by. (taps cards impatiently) (Credits roll) SPACE GHOST: Lines are open. (taps cards some more) VOICE: Tad, remind them about the free patch. SPACE GHOST: First ten callers get a free patch. VOICE: And did you mention the balloons for the kids? SPACE GHOST: (sighs) Balloons for the kids. (taps cards) "Space Ghost Con '97"! Whole lotta fun! VOICE: Tad, maybe mention the patch thing again. SPACE GHOST: I just did! |