Episode 64 - "Rio Ghosto" |
|
|
Waiting (Opening screen with Ghost Planet, titled "Last Saturday". Transition to Space Ghost's lab, with sign reading "Do Not Enter, House of Pain Cakes". Space Ghost types on a mechanical typewriter as he speaks) SPACE GHOST: Scene one, office, day. Mr. White says, "I will stop you." (carriage return) And Mr. Black says, "You won't stop me." (CARRIAGE RETURN) Mr. White says, "Yes, I will stop you." I read that wrong: "Yes, I WILL stop you!" (CARRIAGE RETURN) (PAUSE) Hmm. (PAUSE) Robotic space worm enters, destroys city, The End. (carriage return) (pause) Or is it? (carriage return) (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos to set) Greetings, I'm Space Ghost, architect of the future. Welcome to the show. (waves) So, how was your weekend, Zorak? ZORAK: I, uh, I did some volunteer work over at the orphanage. SPACE GHOST: Well, I was... (does a double take) Yeah. Well, I was finishing up my screen play, and it's brilliant. Brilliant! Now play me to the Desk. (Zorak and Way-outs play) SPACE GHOST: (invisos to desk) Some of my director pals are dropping by the studio tonight, and if one of 'em plays his cards right, I'll affix him to my movie. ZORAK: You don't know any directors. SPACE GHOST: Sure I do. Moltar's a director, aren't you, Moltar? MOLTAR: Yeah, check it out. (throws lever, title card reading "A Moltar Film" scrolls up onto screen, with fanfare music) Ta da. (title card stays in middle of screen) SPACE GHOST: See, Zorak? MOLTAR: Hey Space Ghost, why doncha let me direct your movie? SPACE GHOST: Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar, Moltar. (laughs) That's very thoughtful of you. But your specialty is cartoons. MOLTAR: So? SPACE GHOST: So cartoon's are kid's stuff. I need someone with real adult film experience. I'm sure you understand. MOLTAR: Oh, I do. SPACE GHOST: And, would you lose the title card. We're not doing "Three's Company" here. MOLTAR: Sure. (throws lever, title card disappears and trap door opens under Space Ghost's chair) SPACE GHOST: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa... ZORAK: (evil laughter) MOLTAR: (evil laughter) SPACE GHOST: (thud) (far away voice) Moltar, see me after the show. MOLTAR: (laughs) (Monitor lowers from ceiling with Ben Stiller. Space Ghost's desk is still empty. smaller "A Moltar Film" title card appears in lower left corner) ZORAK: (turns and glares at Ben) BEN STILLER: It's a pleasure to be here. ZORAK: Who are you? BEN STILLER: (looks around) Um, I'm Ben Stiller. ZORAK: Is that a wig? SPACE GHOST: (groaning sounds, climbs up through trap door and into his chair) ZORAK: It sure looks like a wig. SPACE GHOST: Sorry about that, Ben. Can we get you anything? BEN STILLER: I probably could use some coffee. SPACE GHOST: Yeah. (creaking sound in background) Coffee would be good. BEN STILLER: Um... ZORAK: Psst, Ben? BEN STILLER: Yeah? ZORAK: You have a kind face. BEN STILLER: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: The kind you would like to do what to, Zorak? ZORAK: The kind I'd like to chew off and spit on and spit up and stomp on... BEN STILLER: You know what? ZORAK: I'm not finished yet. And slap. And push. And kick. And... push. And... kick. BEN STILLER: Zorak, I enjoy the, your ribald sense of humor, that you bring to the show. ZORAK: Yeah, I'm ribald. BEN STILLER: I think you are a necessary evil... ZORAK: Yeah, I'm evil. BEN STILLER: ... if you will, on this show. ZORAK: Yeah, I will. BEN STILLER: I think you guys have a great little reparte thing happening. SPACE GHOST: Don't mind Zorak, Ben, he's just a squirrel. BEN STILLER: (laughs) Okay, uh... SPACE GHOST: (coughs) Uh oh (laughter in background) (coughs again; more background laughter) Hang on. (sneezes) (enthusiastic applause) Thank you! BEN STILLER: (holds hands up) Oooo! SPACE GHOST: Anyway, I think you should direct my movie! BEN STILLER: Yeah, "Cable Guy 2", starring Space Ghost. You could be the, uh, kooky guy who comes and hooks up the, uh... SPACE GHOST: Let me get with my people, Ben. I'll get back to you on that. Zorak, Moltar, meeting. (In control room) SPACE GHOST: Gentlemen? ZORAK: (flaps lips) Stinks. MOLTAR: Pasadena. (In studio) SPACE GHOST: Ben, we love the idea! So, we're gonna pass. Moltar and Zorak, they just don't share our vision. BEN STILLER: Okay, thank you. Moltar, and Zorak. (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Ben, you've been making movies since before you were born. If you could give me any advice about my movie career, what would it be? BEN STILLER: Um, I would start out with comedy, like you're doing. SPACE GHOST: (writing franticly) Start... out... with... okay, start out with comedy, like I'm doing... BEN STILLER: Do the stand-up, I'd like to see you do some stand-up. SPACE GHOST: The stand-up. (stands up) Like this? BEN STILLER: Uh... SPACE GHOST: Is this funny? BEN STILLER: No. (smiles) SPACE GHOST: (begins to float) How about floating? BEN STILLER: Okay. SPACE GHOST: Is that funny? BEN STILLER: (laughs) No. (Some goofy guy rolling on the grass, laughing) SPACE GHOST: (talking on the phone through his communicator) Now, if I'm not completely satisfied, you say I get a full refund. (background reply sounds) That sounds fair. And, still keep my miracle hat? (reply sounds) Yeah, I think I do know a couple of people who may be interested. MOLTAR: No. SPACE GHOST: O-kay. Zorak, you want in on this? ZORAK: (flaps lips) KEVIN SMITH: (appears on monitor) Hey, how are you, Ghost. SPACE GHOST: I'm on the phone, that's how. Rude. Okay, put me down for six dozen more. (reply sounds) Yeah, I can hold. (hold music) KEVIN SMITH: (puts his hand to his ear) SPACE GHOST: Where'd you get that sweater? It looks cheap. I hate it. (hums along with hold music) (click: reply sounds) Okay then. (phone hangs up, dialtone) Thank you so much. Bye now. Alrighty. Identify yourself, Kevin. KEVIN SMITH: Um, I'm Kevin Smith. I've, I've directed "Clerks" and "Mall Rats" and "Chasing Amy". SPACE GHOST: And that's why you're here. To discuss my movie. KEVIN SMITH: Um, I guess I should, I should pitch you something, huh? Are you up for that? SPACE GHOST: I'm up for sittin' by the pool and watchin' the jack roll in. ZORAK: I'm up for a Peabody. SPACE GHOST: (looks at Zorak) Squirrels don't win awards. Stupid squirrel. KEVIN SMITH: Zorak. ZORAK: Kevin! KEVIN SMITH: Zorak! (makes thumb-forefinger-pinky gestures with both hands) ZORAK: Kevin! KEVIN SMITH: Zorak! SPACE GHOST: (stands up) Spaaaace Ghoooost! KEVIN SMITH: (rolls his eyes) SPACE GHOST: (sits down) Ha ha, sorry. ZORAK: Pfft! SPACE GHOST: So, Kevin, what's the plan? What now, where to, what's next for the Space Ghost? KEVIN SMITH: I think you just need to work with the right director. So I'm sure this is boring Zorak, but... ZORAK: Yeah, I turned off my ears five minutes ago. SPACE GHOST: Then how did you know what he said? ZORAK: Huh? SPACE GHOST: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said? ZORAK: What? SPACE GHOST: I said, if you... ZORAK: Huh? SPACE GHOST: I said, if you turned, did you say "turned off"? ZORAK: Yup. SPACE GHOST: I said, if you turned off your ears, how did you know what Kevin said? ZORAK: Ih. SPACE GHOST: Zorak? Zorak! ZORAK: (floats out of his pod) (Space Ghost shoots Zorak with his power bands) ZORAK: Aaaaa!!! (lands in his pod) SPACE GHOST: Floating isn't funny. KEVIN SMITH: (laughs) Tad. SPACE GHOST: You laughin' at me, boy? KEVIN SMITH: No, I, I didn't mean, I was laughing with you. SPACE GHOST: But I wasn't laughing, was I? KEVIN SMITH: No, you hadn't... SPACE GHOST: No, I hadn't, had I? KEVIN SMITH: No... SPACE GHOST: So, it's all settled then. Now I have a contract drawn up for you to direct my movie. All you need to do is sign it, and then go away. KEVIN SMITH: I'd be up for that. I'd, I'd sign a waiver. SPACE GHOST: Actually, it's a little more binding than a waiver. It's more like a trap. So, if you could just go ahead and sign that, we'll begin principle photography in, what, say, ten minutes? KEVIN SMITH: You are takin' care of business, he is takin' care of business, Zorak, isn't he? ZORAK: (transformed into a squirrel) (blinks) Screwy, ain't it? KEVIN SMITH: Never mind the big bug bust-the-power-band move. SPACE GHOST: Listen, Kevin, if you're not going to take this seriously... KEVIN SMITH: I've got a question now, where is, where is the monkey? SPACE GHOST: That's it. KEVIN SMITH: Monkey can't get a break in this business. SPACE GHOST: Moltar! MOLTAR: Cue fire. (throws lever, Kevin is enveloped in flames) KEVIN SMITH: Aaaaaa!!! SPACE GHOST: (taps cards) Meeting. (In control room) SPACE GHOST: Is everyone here? ZORAK: Yup. MOLTAR: Yup. SPACE GHOST: Good. (In studio) SPACE GHOST: Alrighty. Please say hello to my last and final guest, Jim Jarmusch. JIM JARMUSCH: I'm really happy to be here, but I'm a little confused, because I, uh... (flames leap up around jim) Uh... SPACE GHOST: Okay, quit horsin' around, Moltar, you're embarrassing me. (flames subside) JIM JARMUSCH: That's better, thanks. The last thing I remember was I was asleep at home in my bed, and then there was this really intense white light, that... SPACE GHOST: I usually see sky rockets. JIM JARMUSCH: I, I see. SPACE GHOST: Yes. Then, the depression and guilt. JIM JARMUSCH: Really. SPACE GHOST: I don't need to tell you that. (beat) Out loud. (beat) Meeting. (In control room) (Zorak the squirrel and floating Moltar) SPACE GHOST: (coughs) (applause) (In studio) JIM JARMUSCH: Hey, could I say 'hi' to some of my friends in the cartoon world? (Quickdraw McGraw walks by) 'Cause I've never been, like, in cartoon land before. ZORAK: How ya doin' there, pardner? Hup, see ya later. SPACE GHOST: Actually, Jim, I - (falls through trap door again) Aaaaaaaaaaaa... ZORAK: (evil laughter) MOLTAR: (evil laughter) I love that. ZORAK: Psst, Jim! JIM JARMUSCH: Yeah. (thud) ZORAK: You have a kind face. SPACE GHOST: (far away voice) Meeting! (In control room) (Disco lights and music) (In studio) SPACE GHOST: Anyway, about my movie... JIM JARMUSCH: You could, like, grow an extra head or, you know, die and come back to life, or, uh... SPACE GHOST: (beat) Meeting! (In control room) (Everyone sings) SPACE GHOST: Hello! MOLTAR: Hello! ZORAK: Hello! JIM JARMUSCH: Hello? (In studio) SPACE GHOST: Sorry, Jim, but we're in a hurry, and the only reason you're here is that you're a director. So, help me or leave. JIM JARMUSCH: Yeah, I, I, uh... What's up with Zorak, is he, uh, he's like some kind of outer space grasshopper or something? SPACE GHOST: Help me or leave, Jim. JIM JARMUSCH: Is he related, is he, like, the evil twin of Jiminy Cricket? You know, the... SPACE GHOST: Help me or leave, Jim. JIM JARMUSCH: And another thing I wanted to ask you, now, why do you superheroes, like, wear your underwear on the outside of your pants? SPACE GHOST: Moltar? (Jim is enveloped in flames) JIM JARMUSCH: Aaaaaa!!! SPACE GHOST: Aw heck, I'll just direct it myself. JIM JARMUSCH: Help me! SPACE GHOST: Oh, be quiet. (Credits roll) SPACE GHOST: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa... |