Episode 59 - "Toast" |
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Waiting (Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar in the commissary) SPACE GHOST: Boys, this is it: I'm in love. MOLTAR: With us? SPACE GHOST: No, with Merrill. (slurps coffee) I'm not sure if I remember how to behave around women of the opposite sex. Questions, comments? ZORAK: (blinks) MOLTAR: Oh, uh, take your shirt off. ZORAK: (giggles) Yeah, take your shirt off and chase her around. (Zorak and Moltar snicker) SPACE GHOST: I can see I'll need to bring in an expert. Moltar, book Lee Majors. (Opening theme & titles) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in to set) Greeting! I'm Space Ghost. Zorak, you've got something on your face. Oh, it's your nose! (laughs to himself) Moltar, you also have something on your face. Oh, it's your breathing recepticle! (laughs) (invisos to desk) I'm playful because I'm so deeply in love. My guests tonight include the ravishing radiant and most resplendant lady ever to grace this desperate lonely hovel, writer Merrill Markoe. As well as Hollywood's leading love authority Lee Majors. (looks at his card) Moltar, we can't have Lee Majors in here pawing my precious Merrill. What were you thinking? MOLTAR: We can't get him anyway. How about Adam Carolla? SPACE GHOST: Um, Hollywood's leading love authority, Adam Carolla. Zorak, play me to the desk. ZORAK: You're already at the desk. SPACE GHOST: Oh yeah. I must be crazed with desire. Moltar, bring in my first desk. ZORAK: This woman, she means a lot to you, huh? SPACE GHOST: Yeah, Zorak. I'm the happiest I've been since my action series days. She... completes me. ZORAK: Interesting. SPACE GHOST: Why is that interesting? (Monitor lowers with Adam Carolla) ADAM CAROLLA: Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Greetings, Adam! How ya doin'? ADAM CAROLLA: I'm well, thank you. SPACE GHOST: And, thank you for agreeing to help me get some advice for my rendezvous with Merrill. ADAM CAROLLA: Well, it is part of my job, y'know. SPACE GHOST: Yeah right. Adam, love is the universal language, and seeing as I'm not from your universe, I need your help. Will my relationship with Merrill suffer because of our differing gravitational backgrounds? ADAM CAROLLA: No, uh, although I don't believe your refractory period is quite as long in the absence of gravity. SPACE GHOST: Refractory period... ADAM CAROLLA: I believe even superheroes have refractory periods, don't they? SPACE GHOST: Mm. (flies off to control room) (in control room, Moltar watches a computer generated program of himself and Space Ghost on his monitor) MOLTAR: (laughing at program) SPACE GHOST: Is she here yet? MOLTAR: Nope. (continues laughing) SPACE GHOST: What's a refractory period? MOLTAR: (perturbed) I'll show ya later. (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: (bounds back to desk) Maybe you should explain what you're talking about to some of our less sophisticated viewers. ADAM CAROLLA: Well, that is the time between hugging your partner... SPACE GHOST: You know, Adam, I can hug all night. ADAM CAROLLA: Although I never see you with any women. SPACE GHOST: What do you mean? Women are all over me like proton shields on the lost city of Guf. ADAM CAROLLA: But yet you go home from the studio each night alone. SPACE GHOST: I have my puzzles. ADAM CAROLLA: But you can't squeeze puzzles. SPACE GHOST: You could squeeze puzzles. ADAM CAROLLA: Yeah, but the covered bridge you just made would break and go into a million pieces, and you'd have to rebuild it again, on your lonely kitchen table. SPACE GHOST: Not if you laminate 'em. (In control room, Merrill is on Moltar's monitor) MERRILL MARKOE: You know what, Moltar, I would like to say that I know, not only do I know Letterman, you know, I know Jay Leno. And I would recommend that if you will allow me to intercede on your behalf, I can try and get you a job with Jay Leno. MOLTAR: Would I be allowed to bring my oily directing rags? MERRILL MARKOE: Oh, absolutely, you can bring all the flammables you like. SPACE GHOST: (in background) Oh, hi Merrill! MOLTAR: Uh oh. (clears his throat) So, yeah, hang on while I go let Space Ghost know that you're here. SPACE GHOST: Moltar, why didn't you tell me that Merrill was here? MOLTAR: Merrill's here. SPACE GHOST: (angry) Thanks for the update, Geraldo! Now send her in, ya dumb clown, and don't screw it up or you're dead! (cheerful) See you out there, Merrill! SPACE GHOST: (bounds back to desk) Okay, Adam, that's all the time we have, thanks for stopping by. ADAM CAROLLA: (pause) You're on the Cartoon Network, right? SPACE GHOST: You know, that's really a Moltar question, hang on and I'll transfer you. (blasts Adam off the monitor) (smells his breath) (hmmm, minty or mediciney? oh, i can't tell!) My next guest is a very special lady. (taps cards) She means the planet to me, and we couldn't be happier together. Miss Merrill Markoe! (Monitor lowers with Merrill) MERRILL MARKOE: (stares at Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Well, here we are. Together at last. MERRILL MARKOE: (continues staring) SPACE GHOST: You... and I. Together at last. MERRILL MARKOE: Ah ha, is this the beginning of the interview? SPACE GHOST: You like toast? MERRILL MARKOE: Hm? SPACE GHOST: Do you like toast? MERRILL MARKOE: No. SPACE GHOST: We have a lot in common. Right, uh, don't we? Y'know, because, uh, because of the toast and all? MERRILL MARKOE: (stares) SPACE GHOST: Uh... (pounds his desk four times) Pardon me, Merrill, I think someone's at my door. MERRILL MARKOE: You're, you're gonna take off in the middle of MY interview, and, and answer the door? SPACE GHOST: Yup. (flies off) MERRILL MARKOE: (shakes her head, rolls her eyes) ZORAK: So, do you come here often? MERRILL MARKOE: I've been on before, you don't recall? ZORAK: Oh yes, how could I forget? It must be wonderful to be so talented and yet, so beautiful. MERRILL MARKOE: (smiles, blushing) ZORAK: By the way, I love your body... of work. (In the control room, Adam is on Moltar's monitor) SPACE GHOST: Help me, Adam, I ran out of things to talk about. ADAM CAROLLA: Oh. SPACE GHOST: I think she may be intimidated by my remarkable physique. ADAM CAROLLA: Uh, women, uh, want, they like a humbler man. SPACE GHOST: Humbler, eh? ADAM CAROLLA: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Well, then I shall unleash a firestorm of humility the likes of which this universe has never seen! (flexes his bulk) (In the studio) ZORAK: ... and when I'm not making cheese, I spend a lot of my time line-dancing. MERRILL MARKOE: Would you be willing to dance with me? ZORAK: Oh, you bet. SPACE GHOST: (bounds to desk) Merrill... ZORAK: Shh! Shh! SPACE GHOST: Merrill, have I ever told you about how I'm not amazing? MERRILL MARKOE: You mind if I ask you a personal question? SPACE GHOST: Oh, not at all. We should get to know each other better. MERRILL MARKOE: I'm wondering whether or not, are you married? SPACE GHOST: Not yet, my pretty pony. MERRILL MARKOE: Hm, interesting. SPACE GHOST: Why is that interesting? MERRILL MARKOE: I don't know, I don't know, I don't see any, are there any females on your show at all? I've never seen a female on your show. SPACE GHOST: Uh, you're on... MERRILL MARKOE: Besides me, but I mean, in the group that participates in the show, you have that, that... SPACE GHOST: Zorak's a woman, aren't you... honey? ZORAK: Nope. I'm all man, AND I can prove it. (sound of garments rustling off-camera) SPACE GHOST: Sit down, ya crazy broad! (blasts Zorak) (laughs) Women! MERRILL MARKOE: So, you don't have any women at all, on your show? SPACE GHOST: What are you getting at? MERRILL MARKOE: Well, it just strikes me as being... you know, very... SPACE GHOST: Macho? MERRILL MARKOE: Well, no. SPACE GHOST: What then? ZORAK: Confused. SPACE GHOST: (pounds desk four times again) Pardon me, Merrill, I think someone's at my door. (flies off) MERRILL MARKOE: Aw, geez... ZORAK: Merrill, I'm sorry, and I don't know why he's treating you this way. He should be asking you about your new book! MERRILL MARKOE: (holds up her book) "Merrill Markoe's Guide to Love". I bet it's pretty interesting. ZORAK: It looks fascinating. Like you, Merrill. (laughs) MERRILL MARKOE: (laughs) (In the control room) SPACE GHOST: Adam, she's slipping through my fingers! What do I do? ADAM CAROLLA: Hmmm... MOLTAR: Beat it, simpleton! (throws lever, Adam disappears) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, what are you doing? MOLTAR: You don't need that guy, Space Ghost. I know how women work. SPACE GHOST: You do? Tell me! MOLTAR: Okay, now listen up. (In the studio) MERRILL MARKOE: Do you like dogs? I got, I, I need to know. I mean, if we're gonna, you know, spend time together, I need to know if you like dogs. ZORAK: Do I like dogs?! I love dogs! Why, do you have a dog? MERRILL MARKOE: My dog Louis. (shows picture) ZORAK: Oh, he's darling! MERRILL MARKOE: My dog Tex. (shows another picture) ZORAK: Oh, he's a big boy! (In the control room) MOLTAR: Be a man, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: You're right, you're right... MOLTAR: Of course I'm right! Now get out there and show me something! (In the studio) MERRILL MARKOE: Winky. (shows another picture) ZORAK: Hey, Winky! What about Bo? MERRILL MARKOE: That's right, I don't have a picture of Bo. Do you know Bo? ZORAK: I know all about you, Merrill. SPACE GHOST: (bounds to desk) Hey woman, my dinner ready yet? No? Well then, go iron my jeans! MERRILL MARKOE: I think you're starting to offend me now. SPACE GHOST: This is how we men are, Merrill, so get used to it! MERRILL MARKOE: Are you kind of simple-minded? SPACE GHOST: Huh? MERRILL MARKOE: You are about the most annoying talk show host I've ever dealt with, and I've dealt with them all. SPACE GHOST: Oh, yeah? Well, you're the guest who was a whole lot funnier the last time she was on! MERRILL MARKOE: And how do you expect me to keep up any kind of energy or mood or anything with you being that rude? SPACE GHOST: But I'm supposed to be rude! I'm your lover! MERRILL MARKOE: And now you're telling me I'm not funny. You're telling me I was funnier before? SPACE GHOST: Hey... MERRILL MARKOE: And I'm not as funny now. SPACE GHOST: Hey... MERRILL MARKOE: What do you want from me? SPACE GHOST: Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey HEY! MERRILL MARKOE: Well? SPACE GHOST: Come over here and give me a kiss. MERRILL MARKOE: Hm? SPACE GHOST: Plant one on me. You know you want to. MERRILL MARKOE: Oh, don't you start. Don't you even try. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, right. Now come on! MERRILL MARKOE: I would find that... SPACE GHOST: Delightful? MERRILL MARKOE: ... dangerous and repellant. Don't, don't mess with me that way. SPACE GHOST: Here, I'll make it easy for ya. (scoots up close to monitor, makes kissing noises) MERRILL MARKOE: Listen, I think, uh, I, I didn't come here to be insulted by you. And, what do you want from me? SPACE GHOST: How about a foot rub? MERRILL MARKOE: I'm never coming on this show again. SPACE GHOST: Aaaagh! Moltar! (flies off) MERRILL MARKOE: I don't even care what planet this is. You'll never see me again. (In the control room) SPACE GHOST: Where's Adam, you dolt? I need some good advice! MOLTAR: It's too late for that. Check this out. (throws lever; monitor shows Zorak and merrill together) SPACE GHOST: (gasps) Zorak! ZORAK: (whispers to merrill's monitor) MERRILL MARKOE: Now that you mention it, it is appealing in sort of a dangerous way, yeah. I would, I would like that. Do you mean it, in, in an affectionate way? ZORAK: (whispers some more) MERRILL MARKOE: Mmm... SPACE GHOST: (bounds to desk) What in Gordon's seed is going on in here? Zorak! (aims power bands at Zorak) ZORAK: Oh! (jumps away from monitor) (Space Ghost blasts merrill on monitor; she makes funny looping noises, then falls forward) SPACE GHOST: (gasps) No! ZORAK: (evil laugh) SPACE GHOST: My pretty pony! Why, Zorak, why? You could have had any woman you wanted! But you chose the woman I love almost as much as I love myself! You ruined my life, you ruined her life, and now, I'm going to ruin your life!!! (blasts Zorak; freeze frame just as blast touches Zorak) (Talk Soup music) JOHN HENSON: Never a dull moment on Coast to Coast. Next week join Spacey and friends as they welcome the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Think they're gonna need a bigger monitor. Right now, let's meet a disgruntled employee who earned a little OT by making the boss's wife scream "oh, me!" Ladies and gentlemen, pre-ops and post-ops, (drum roll) introducing our Talk Soup Clip of the Week! (Zorak seated on Jenny Springer set; crowd jeering noises in background) (screen caption: Jenny Springer - "You Ruined My Life, You Ruined Her Life, Now I'M Going To Ruin Your Life!") ZORAK: I didn't even like her. I just wanted to ruin Space Ghost's life. (Space Ghost flies across stage and smashes Zorak; they fight off camera as credits roll) |