Waiting for Edward |
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Waiting (for a really really long time) (Zorak is riding on Space Ghost's shoulders) ZORAK: Yah! Yah! SPACE GHOST: Hang on, Zorak, hang - Waiting (again briefly) (In control room, Moltar throws the lever, a black and white photo of a bald man wearing a tie appears on monitor, followed by a test pattern with a "7", followed by Denis Leary) DENIS LEARY: Moltar, how are ya? MOLTAR: This is how I am, Denis. (pulls lever) I'm destroying the planet. (klaxon siren in background) DENIS LEARY: Get outta here. MOLTAR: Yeah. And I'm havin' a sale, too. VOICE: Seven minutes, twenty seven seconds until total devastation. MOLTAR: Whattya think about that? DENIS LEARY: Now you, you overstep your, your boundaries when it comes to power. MOLTAR: How about a free kick in the throat? DENIS LEARY: See what I'm saying? MOLTAR: (throws lever, sends Denis to the studio monitor) Bah! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in to control room) Moltar, are you trying to destroy the - Oooh! Are you having another Total Devastation sale? (looks at sign:)
MOLTAR: Yup! Everything must go. SPACE GHOST: I don't have any money! (punches Moltar in the face) (Moltar and Space Ghost proceed to punch each other rock'em sock'em style) (In the studio; Denis is already on the monitor) ZORAK: Wow! Denis Leary! I've seen all your movies! DENIS LEARY: Thank you, thank you. ZORAK: I didn't think they were very good. (Beat) What'd you think? (In the control room; Space Ghost is lying on the floor, Moltar is standing on his back) SPACE GHOST: Ooh! Get off my back! MOLTAR: (laughs, hops onto his head) Ooh, sorry! (laughs) SPACE GHOST: My head! This is going in your file! (invisos out, Moltar drops to the floor) (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: (invisos in) Hello! I'm Space Ghost! ZORAK: And I'm Zorak. SPACE GHOST: Nobody cares who you are, Zorak. ZORAK: (BEAT) Man, you're wrong about that. SPACE GHOST: (Beat) Okay, okay, everybody pipe down. Guest is here, it's interview time. (invisos to desk while Zorak plays cheesy funky organ music; Space Ghost plays with his inviso control, fading in and out for about fifteen seconds, until music stops) SPACE GHOST: I like that that happened. (Beat) I'm gonna do that again. (Music starts again, Space Ghost resumes invisoing in and out) (moans) Denis... DENIS LEARY: Hi, how are ya? SPACE GHOST: (still invisoing in and out) Good, good, and you? DENIS LEARY: Oh, okay, good. SPACE GHOST: Mmmm. (finally finishes invisoing in) (sighs) Ah, there we are. Denis, are you a leprechaun? DENIS LEARY: No, there's no such thing as leprechauns. (sips water) SPACE GHOST: Oh, yeah, yeah, I was gonna say. DENIS LEARY: Mm hm. SPACE GHOST: (looks at his card) Okay then... well, that's all I got. We done here? ZORAK: (NODS) DENIS LEARY: Uh, I have one question for you, have you ever thought of taking a vacation and - (Space Ghost is walking towards Zorak's pod) You're not listenin'. SPACE GHOST: (to Zorak) Say, what's this thing? ZORAK: Don't touch it, it's mine! SPACE GHOST: When did you get this? ZORAK: I've had it. SPACE GHOST: (presses a keyboard key, a riff plays) You didn't tell me this was a synthesizer! (plays a few other keys) It has samples! Hey, get out of there, scoot over! ZORAK: Hey, quit, quit shovin'! SPACE GHOST: Mine! My turn! ZORAK: Jerk! SPACE GHOST: (sitting in pod; he sings his lines while he plays a melody on the keyboard) 'Hey Denis, what brings you to these parts?' DENIS LEARY: Uhhhh... you asked me to appear on the show, so I - SPACE GHOST: I did? Oh yeah! (sings and plays) 'I did, didn't I?' DENIS LEARY: I'm actually doing this as a sort of a, uh, a payback for my kids, 'cause they're big fans of your show. I don't really watch the show, and I'm not really a big fan, I don't think you're that funny, quite frankly. SPACE GHOST: (sings and plays) 'Not that funny, eh?' DENIS LEARY: Well, my kids watch the show, so I'm on the show 'cause it'll please my kids. SPACE GHOST: (sings and plays) 'So the feelings of your stupid kids are more important than mine.' DENIS LEARY: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: (stops playing, walks over to studio monitor) Who do you think you are? DENIS LEARY: I think the universe knows who I am, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Then who do you think the universe knows I am, Denis? DENIS LEARY: Space Ghost, and I'm Denis Leary, of course. Master of the universe. SPACE GHOST: (sitting at desk) (laughs) Master?! I know one or two guys who might disagree with you. (whispers) Master! DENIS LEARY: Like who? SPACE GHOST: Yoda. DENIS LEARY: Okay, who else, on the list? SPACE GHOST: (Beat) Star wars. DENIS LEARY: Okay, so let's say that I'm, uh... master of the - SPACE GHOST: You're sure you're not a leprechaun? DENIS LEARY: (Beat) I'm too tall to be a leprechaun. SPACE GHOST: Okay, okay. 'Cause I was gonna say, you're the worst leprechaun that we've ever had on the show. DENIS LEARY: Look, look, here's the bottom line... SPACE GHOST: Ho- hold on. (flies off) DENIS LEARY: (to Zorak) You have Madonna's new album? ZORAK: (hisses) DENIS LEARY: Somebody's buyin' it. (In the control room, Lokar is on Moltar's monitor) LOKAR: Have you any dangerously sequinned hot pants? MOLTAR: Um... no. LOKAR: Perchance a scented thong? MOLTAR: I have some underwear that's scented, but... I don't think it's what you're lookin' for. LOKAR: Oh... gorgeous! (In the studio, Space Ghost bounds back to his chair, sporting a crude drawn-on mustache) SPACE GHOST: (whispers) Hey, Denis! (normal Voice) Notice anything... different? DENIS LEARY: Nope. SPACE GHOST: About my face? DENIS LEARY: We don't really care. SPACE GHOST: Hey, Zorak. ZORAK: (sporting a toucan beak) SPACE GHOST: (Beat) (sighs) Anybody else have any questions for Denis? (Beat) Anyone? Anyone? (mustache is gone) Anyone? MOLTAR: (marches out, slams cards down on Space Ghost's desk) Try this one. SPACE GHOST: (reading card) "Nice jacket Fonzie." (to Moltar) And you want me to say this? MOLTAR: (nods) SPACE GHOST: Out loud. To Denis. MOLTAR: Go on. SPACE GHOST: I don't think so. MOLTAR: (groans in disgust) Sit on it! (walks off stage) DENIS LEARY: Hey, lay off. SPACE GHOST: That's my arch-enemy, Denis. DENIS LEARY: Mm hm. SPACE GHOST: Who are your arch-enemies? And don't say me. DENIS LEARY: You. SPACE GHOST: (does spit take on camera lens; audience laughs) Me?! (spits again, audience laughs again) Me?!?! (laughs) One more... (spits again, this time it's blood; audience gasps) Uh oh. (gulps) DENIS LEARY: Aside from you, uh... Dr. Katz, another animated figure. SPACE GHOST: Why don't you just launch him into the deep recesses of space? DENIS LEARY: If I could. SPACE GHOST: Oh, that's right, you're a smoker. DENIS LEARY: Who's the last person you, you've launched into the deep recesses of... of space? SPACE GHOST: My friend Edward. DENIS LEARY: Why couldn't you do that with, say, Celine Dion? SPACE GHOST: Oh no, I don't think Edward would approve of that. DENIS LEARY: Not extremely powerful, I must say. (sips water) SPACE GHOST: (Beat) I beat up Charlton Heston once. DENIS LEARY: When? SPACE GHOST: Over the holidays. DENIS LEARY: In your one-dimensional world, you beat up Charlton Heston. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, I hit him over the head with some books. DENIS LEARY: So, you're actually bragging about beating up a man who must be in his late eighties, is that correct? SPACE GHOST: Uh, late eighties, early nineties. (In the control room, Brak is on Moltar's monitor) BRAK: You have any farmer stuff? MOLTAR: No. BRAK: You have any astronaut stuff? MOLTAR: Uh... BRAK: You have any melba toast? 'Cause that's what I want. MOLTAR: (trying to break in) I got - (sighs) BRAK: I'd also like an army of rabbits, some tar, a glass hat, a book about lightning, a magical fortress made of rainbows... MOLTAR: (trying to interrupt) Brak... Brak... Brak!!! BRAK: Yes? MOLTAR: How're you gonna pay for all this? BRAK: With rocks. MOLTAR: (shouts) I hope you die before your wedding! BRAK: What? I'm not gettin' mar- (Moltar throws lever, sending him away) (In the studio) SPACE GHOST: I guess my greatest fear would be to find myself hopelessly attracted to one of my coworkers. (Camera zooms back to show Zorak sitting on Space Ghost's lap) SPACE GHOST: What are you doing? ZORAK: That'll be ten dollars. SPACE GHOST: Get off! ZORAK: (bounds away) You can owe me. SPACE GHOST: Denis, what's your greatest fear? DENIS LEARY: Probably, having to have my own... show on prime cable. SPACE GHOST: Hey, do you wanna move in with me? DENIS LEARY: No thank you. SPACE GHOST: Well, then how would you like to help out around the set? DENIS LEARY: Naw, that's okay. SPACE GHOST: You sure? DENIS LEARY: Yep! SPACE GHOST: Maybe you could overcome your fears. DENIS LEARY: I really have a packed schedule. SPACE GHOST: We've got some exclusive interviews coming up. DENIS LEARY: Yeah, I've got - with who? SPACE GHOST: (Beat) My friend Edward. DENIS LEARY: Yeah? And who else? SPACE GHOST: Um... ZORAK: Denis Leary. SPACE GHOST: That's right, Denis Leary, thank you Zorak. DENIS LEARY: Mm hm. ZORAK: You can owe me. SPACE GHOST: Lots of big names. DENIS LEARY: Yup. SPACE GHOST: Big stuff going on here. (taps cards) ZORAK: Hey! Weren't we supposed to blow - (BLAM!!!!!) (Music starts, then slows down and stops) Later... at camp (Four kids are sitting on the ground in a field, Space Ghost stands in their midst) SPACE GHOST: And so, kids, that's the story of how I saved Christmas. (angrily) Now get back to work, ya fat humps!! |