Episode 62 - "Warren (short version)" |
|
|
Waiting (Television set, with "The Warren Show" title screen) ANNOUNCER: (intro music) And now back to "The Warren Show". (Shot of Space Ghost's apartment, with Moltar and Zorak) SPACE GHOST: Ooh, I love Warren! WARREN: Tell us, Space, what are your superpowers? GARY OWENS: (as Space Ghost) I developed a few of my own, I, for example, can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I jump over buildings, I also have x-ray vision, and I can make change for a dollar. MOLTAR: (laughs) ZORAK: (laughs) GARY OWENS: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: Wait a minute! I don't remember... GARY OWENS: I can also bend my thumb, by the way. SPACE GHOST: I've never been on "Warren"! That guy's a replicant! GARY OWENS: I can bend a spoon with my mind, but it has to be a plastic spoon. (TV laughter) MOLTAR: Whoa! MOLTAR: (laughs) ZORAK: (laughs) GARY OWENS: I can't do the real spoon. (TV applause) SPACE GHOST: This is such bull! (blasts TV set) I am super-unsatisfied to be replicated in this way! Super-unsatisfied! I need to get to the bottom of this. Come on, boys! Let's take a ride! ZORAK: Pick me up a hitch-hiker, would'ya? SPACE GHOST: You're coming with us, Zorak. We'll go see Warren, then we'll swing by the department store and get you some new slacks. ZORAK: And a hitch-hiker? SPACE GHOST: We'll see. MOLTAR: Shotgun! ZORAK: (slightly behind Moltar) Shotgun! MOLTAR: Yes! (Phantom Cruiser flies through space) ZORAK: (hitting Moltar's seat from behind) (clank!) MOLTAR: Stop it! ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: Stop it! SPACE GHOST: (mocking) "I have x-ray vision and I can make change for a dollar!" ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: Stop it! ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: Stop it! SPACE GHOST: I could make change for five dollars if I had to. ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: Stop it! ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: Quit it! (Cruiser approaches planetoid) MOLTAR: Is this it? ZORAK: (clank!) MOLTAR: QUIT IT! SPACE GHOST: Yup, it's just like I remember it. Oh, look, they put in a Mr. Winters over there. You see, boys, Warren was my mentor. He was the wind beneath my cape. I learned so much that summer. Perhaps... too much. (sound of brakes) L-let's go back. (shifts into reverse, Phantom Cruiser backs up) What am I doing? (brakes) I love Warren! I need to see him. (shifts gears, goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But I've been replicated. (goes forward again) But he hurts me. (brakes) But, I have been replicated. (grinds gears) (goes forward again) (The Cruiser finally lands; the hatch opens, Space Ghost emerges, to dramatic music) SPACE GHOST: (goes back inside) They were closed. ZORAK: I wanna see! SPACE GHOST: There's nothing to see. Now, who wants new slacks? ZORAK: I don't wear pants, and I don't know anyone who does! MOLTAR: Yeah! We wanna see Warren! SPACE GHOST: (sighs) All right. (Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar leave the ship and enter a cave) MONITOR: Welcome Space Ghost. Warren is expecting you. (Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's power bands disappear) SPACE GHOST: My power bands! MONITOR: You know the rules. No weapons. ZORAK: Hey. You live here? MONITOR: Oh, I see you brought your mantis. MOLTAR: (clears throat) MONITOR: And the fireman. How lucky. ZORAK: Where's the tub? Can I have this? (sound of glass breaking) Uh, that was broke already. SPACE GHOST: Zorak... ZORAK: Someone boiling vinegar? SPACE GHOST: Zorak! ZORAK: What? SPACE GHOST: Shut your beak. ZORAK: Before you... close it with medical sutures? SPACE GHOST: No, before I seal it using a powerful space-age adhesive, which I keep in my fanny pack. MONITOR: You know the rules. No fanny packs. (Dramatic sting music - Space Ghost's fanny pack disappears) SPACE GHOST: My breakfast bars! MONITOR: Ladies and gentlemen of the arena, I give you... Warren. (Warren rolls out, looking very much like a potted plant) SPACE GHOST: Well, it's been a long time. WARREN: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Warren, I've been replicated, man! WARREN: Hmph. Do I know you? SPACE GHOST: You tell me, pal. WARREN: No, I don't know you. SPACE GHOST: Warren, you had me on your show last night. But I wasn't on your show last night! I was right there in my living room, watching you having me on your show. ZORAK: Nice bush. WARREN: Ah, that's funny, mantis. Funny bugs like you, talkin' like that in my castle, end up, lookin' for their teeth, two blocks away, on Quinn Street. SPACE GHOST: Zorak, let me handle this, please. ZORAK: Nice... bush. WARREN: Listen! I can burn you, like the crazy world of Arthur Brown. SPACE GHOST: Zorak! ZORAK: Nice... bush. (Warren zaps Zorak with a destructo ray) WARREN: We're both green, aren't we, Zorak? But I got rays, don't I!? Don't I? Don't I? MOLTAR: You better answer him. WARREN: Don't I, Zorak? ZORAK: Ah, go fertilize yourself. WARREN: (zaps Zorak again several times) SPACE GHOST: Warren, I've come many miles... WARREN: (zaps Zorak again) SPACE GHOST: ... to set myself before you today to find out why you've betrayed our sacred covenant. WARREN: Do what now? SPACE GHOST: Who was that you had on your show, because it wasn't me. WARREN: Aw, yeah. (chuckles) That was just Gary. SPACE GHOST: Gary, huh? WARREN: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Ga-ry. WARREN: Yeah. (chuckles) SPACE GHOST: Garrrrrrry. WARREN: Yep. SPACE GHOST: Are you tryin' to shuck me? WARREN: Listen to me! Over there in the corner, you'll find a mystical cauldron. Conjure up Gary and he will appear before you. He knows the answers, to the questions that vex you so. Now I must adjourn, to my sunny spot, ah! (starts to roll away) SPACE GHOST: Wait, you didn't answer my question! I didn't come here to talk to a cauldron! Warren, wait! MOLTAR: He seemed like a good enough guy. ZORAK: Yeah, very personable. SPACE GHOST: Come on, let's hold hands and conjure up this joker. (Zorak, Space Ghost and Moltar are holding hands in front of a steaming cauldron) SPACE GHOST: Gary... Om... (wolf howls in background) Hey, you guys have to do it too, or it won't work. ZORAK: Oh. SPACE GHOST: Om... ZORAK: Om... MOLTAR: Gary... Gary... ZORAK: Om... SPACE GHOST: Om... Om... ZORAK: Gary... Gary... MOLTAR: Gary... SPACE GHOST: Gary... ZORAK: Gary... SPACE GHOST: Om... MOLTAR: Gary... ZORAK: Om... SPACE GHOST: Gary... ZORAK: Om... MOLTAR: Om... Gary... SPACE GHOST: Okay. ZORAK: Om... SPACE GHOST: Got it. ZORAK: Om... SPACE GHOST: We're good. We got it. GARY OWENS: (in cauldron, as Space Ghost) (laughs) Thank you. SPACE GHOST: It's him! MOLTAR: Whoa! ZORAK: It's Space Ghost! GARY OWENS: It is indeed. SPACE GHOST: It is not indeed! Do you know who I am? Gary? Take a good look. I'm Space Ghost! GARY OWENS: (coughs) You're what? SPACE GHOST: That's right, Gary. I'm the real Space Ghost. GARY OWENS: So am I. SPACE GHOST: No, see, I'm the one who flew around the galaxy saving planets, not you! Where do you get off being me? GARY OWENS: Uh, in the early days, back when, uh, when Space Ghost was first born, they let me play Space Ghost. And that was what, what a thrill. SPACE GHOST: Uh, who's "they"? GARY OWENS: Mr. Joe Barbera, and Mr. Fred Silverman, gentlemen who chose me to play you. SPACE GHOST: Nobody plays me, Jack! I play me. MOLTAR: Hey Gary, who played me? GARY OWENS: Moltar? Moltar, I have a picture of you. I have a picture of Zorak over there, when he was just a mild mutant. ZORAK: Hey! Remember when I smashed your camera with that rock? GARY OWENS: Oh, yes. It was, what wonder days. MOLTAR: Gary? Can you come home with us, and... be our new dad? SPACE GHOST: Now, wait just a second! Can't you see? Are ya all blind? Moltar! Zorak! This is all just some demented mind trick brought on by Warren! GARY OWENS: I still have got the inviso-belt, I've got that in the trunk of the car right now. SPACE GHOST: Listen up, you deluded old freak. Don't make me use my power bands on you. MOLTAR: Space Ghost, uh... you don't have your power bands. SPACE GHOST: Stay out of this, Moltar. The time has come for me to put a lid on this cosmic crackpot. GARY OWENS: This looks like real trouble. Hand me that veeblefetzer. ZORAK: Here ya go, buddy. (hands Gary a blast rifle) SPACE GHOST: You're counting on hitting me with that veeblefetzer, aren't you? GARY OWENS: Oh, yes, yes. SPACE GHOST: Because then you will become me, right. GARY OWENS: Oh, yes, yes. SPACE GHOST: That's just what I thought. Well, here's something you hadn't counted on, Gary. This set of auxiliary power bands, that I had hidden in my space cavity. Prepare for one of my harmful rays. (adjusts his power bands) Hold on a second. (bands make electronic noises; Space Ghost adjusts bands again) (quietly) You're gonna regret having messed with me. (presses button, but no ray, just a clunking sound) Turning it on. (makes sound like electronic flash charging) (quietly) Prepare... for one of my... harmful rays. GARY OWENS: (as Gary) Hey, sock it to me! SPACE GHOST: Pucker up, Gary! (blasts Gary, whose hand is over his ear a la "Laugh-In") (smoke clears) Moltar, haul that to the Phantom Cruiser. WARREN: (slides into view) No!! You've destroyed my creation! SPACE GHOST: Warren, you used that greasy replicant to lure me back here, didn't you? WARREN: Yeah, you know it. SPACE GHOST: But why, Warren? WARREN: Well... (laughs) (dramatic sting music) Never mind why. The past is just the future that already happened. Now come on over here and I'll cradle you. MOLTAR: (walks toward Warren) WARREN: (to Moltar) Not you! (to Space Ghost) You! SPACE GHOST: I don't understand, Warren. WARREN: Often we fear what we don't understand, Space Ghost. Come closer to me! SPACE GHOST: (steps closer to Warren) WARREN: (sniffs) Closer! SPACE GHOST: (to himself: I must be out of my nut! What am I doing here? And why is Warren smelling me?) WARREN: How're ya folks and all them? (edges closer to Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: They're... all... kind of... uh... uh... WARREN: Why don't you take your cape off? Ha! SPACE GHOST: No... please... WARREN: Listen to me! Love and fear are often... the same thing. (sniffs) SPACE GHOST: Oh, okay. Well, thank you. WARREN: Don't thank me. Just... (sniffs) hold me. SPACE GHOST: (touches Warren; smiles) WARREN: Mmmmm! Prime rib! SPACE GHOST: Wait, wait a second... (TV shows static and "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" theme music; static gives way to Warren at Space Ghost's desk) WARREN: (on TV) Greetings citizens! SPACE GHOST: Hey, what the... WARREN: I'm Warren! Is everybody gettin' enough carbon dioxide? (Dramatic sting music, zoom in to Space Ghost's face) SPACE GHOST: Aha! That's why you brought me here! So you could steal my show! But you already have a show! Why, Warren, why? WARREN: Well, you know, uh... (laughs) I just felt like it. SPACE GHOST: Well, you greedy manipulating yard shrub. I'm not going to let your Warren impostinator steal my show right out from under me (reaches for his power bands) WARREN: But Space Ghost... How do you know that I'm not the impostinator? SPACE GHOST: Well... you've lost me there, Warren. And now you must pay, you hateful hedge. (blasts Warren) MONITOR: You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'. You've destroyed Warren. I'm tellin'. SPACE GHOST: Tell 'em this. (blasts monitor) MONITOR: You've destroyed Warren. I'm tell- (Blam!) SPACE GHOST: When you see 'em in Poland. (Black screen with title: "The End") (TV in Space Ghost's living room shows "The End" title) SPACE GHOST: That was good. What else is on? (Credits roll) WARREN: Ha! |