Curling Flower Space |
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SPACE GHOST: (yawns) JERRY SPRINGER: (yawns) (Moltar throws the switch.) MOLTAR: Okay! SPACE GHOST: (waking up) Geez! ZORAK: Ow! MOLTAR: We're outta time. SPACE GHOST: Okay. (Credits for "Brilliant Number Three - 44c" begin) (In Moltar's monitor: Guest Star Jerry Springer Written by Bill Faulkner) MOLTAR: And...we're clear. SPACE GHOST: Well, that wadn't very good. JERRY SPRINGER: I'm sorry. SPACE GHOST: Oh no, it's all right. Really. You're just not very good. JERRY SPRINGER: (looks confused) No. I'm loving... (The Williams Street bell from the credits can be heard in the background) JERRY SPRINGER: ...cuddly... ZORAK: Ha-ha. You really mailed that one in. SPACE GHOST: Huh? MOLTAR: Aren't there usually questions and answers, or they might just draw your mouth out? SPACE GHOST: I just keep thinking about last week's show. It had everything. Action, girls, kung-fu sex... ZORAK: Eruptions from your mouth... SPACE GHOST: Shut up, mantis! ZORAK: Pfft! SPACE GHOST: I'll spin your head off so fast it'll travel back in time!! (echoing) To a period when bugs wore suits and opened doors while saying "Thank you" and "Yes, please." ZORAK: Um, I have no response to that. (In the monitor, Jerry Springer is making a goofy face) SPACE GHOST: It's like working with children, Jerry. JERRY SPRINGER: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Green ones. JERRY SPRINGER: Well, are we surprised? ZORAK: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: Now, listen up as I tell the tale of 15 sexy kung-fu minutes. (As Space Ghost echoes "Kung Fu," we flashback to him interviewing Sarah Jessica Parker.) SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Did you create the show? SPACE GHOST: By "create," you mean write, produce, direct and star in? SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Then, yes. I created it for you. For Christmas. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: In my wildest fantasies, I never imagined that I would really be invited to be on your show. SPACE GHOST: Mmmmm. WILD fantasies. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: You have a... I don't know, something about you. SPACE GHOST: Would you like to have some of my sex with me? SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Oh boy, would I. SPACE GHOST: Let's go. ZORAK: (voice-over) Okay, this is a complete lie! SPACE GHOST: (voice-over) Shut up, Zorak! It isn't! (Flashback ends) ZORAK: She never woulda... SPACE GHOST: We'll check the tape! We'll check it right after the show, buddy! ZORAK: Show's over, genius! JERRY SPRINGER: I wasn't told that this...is this a...? ZORAK: And that's "jenius" with a "J"! JERRY SPRINGER: This is an ambush show! SPACE GHOST: Your life's about over! ZORAK: Yeah, whatever. SPACE GHOST: It's about over unless you shut up! JERRY SPRINGER: I don't wanna be a guest on a talk show! ZORAK: All right, but... SPACE GHOST: Say it! Say it again, monster! JERRY SPRINGER: I never wanted to be on! SPACE GHOST: Say what you just said! MOLTAR: Yeah, say it! SPACE GHOST: SAY IT!!! JERRY SPRINGER: Whoa! SPACE GHOST: "Whoa!" is what America's gonna be sayin' when I spin his head off so fast, it'll travel back in time! ZORAK: Blah, blah, blah, blah. SPACE GHOST: Oh, you want the time-travel spinning head! JERRY SPRINGER: Um... SPACE GHOST: Huh? Mister? JERRY SPRINGER: Wha...? SPACE GHOST: Time? JERRY SPRINGER: What does that mean? ZORAK: He doesn't know! SPACE GHOST: It means there was a time when bugs were obedient to man. This clearly isn't that time! ZORAK: Nope. SPACE GHOST: Now, where was I, Jerry? JERRY SPRINGER: (sighs) I don't know, but we were kind of-- SPACE GHOST: Ah, yes. The sex. JERRY SPRINGER: Of course. (Flashback resumes) SPACE GHOST: As I moved in to enjoy the sex, terror rained down from the sky... (A ceiling tile hits Space Ghost in the head) SARAH JESSICA PARKER: (laughing) Oh my gosh. SPACE GHOST: Are...there...any bones...sticking out? SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Um, I can't tell. You're hidden by a desk. SPACE GHOST: (voice-over) I was pinned. To the earth. ZORAK: (voice-over) Pfft! By a freakin' ceiling tile. (Flashback ends) SPACE GHOST: Don't! Don't, Don't, Don't! ZORAK: (laughs) SPACE GHOST: This was no ordinary ceiling tile, Jerry. JERRY SPRINGER: Okay. SPACE GHOST: This was The C. Ling Tile! (Flashback resumes. A ceiling tile with two sprinkler and an air vent walks up to Space Ghost, who is still lying on the floor.) C. LING TILE: So, Ghost. We meet again. SPACE GHOST: C. Ling! C. LING TILE: That's right. I'm back. SPACE GHOST: The pleasure is mine. C. LING TILE: No, no, no. Correction: The pleasure is all for me! (He starts spraying water on Space Ghost's head) Sprinkler! Sprinkler! SPACE GHOST: No! C. LING TILE: Ho-HO! SPACE GHOST: Tap water! C. LING TILE: (laughs) Now I will freeze you! At 60 degrees! Cool air vent! Go! (starts blowing air on Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Agh! C. LING TILE: Go together! SPACE GHOST: He's lowering the temperature of my body! C. LING TILE: Oh-ho-ho! SPACE GHOST: It's all right. Contact Facilities! C. LING TILE: You...(bangs Space Ghost on the head)...deal with it! SPACE GHOST: Son of a... C. LING TILE: Ha ha ha! SPACE GHOST: Time to hang, Tile! C. LING TILE: Asbestos powder! (Start spraying powder in Space Ghost's face) SPACE GHOST: Agh! C. LING TILE: Get up! Get up and face the powder! SPACE GHOST: No! C. LING TILE: (sniffs) Mmmm! Mmmmm! Suck it in, Ghost! And prepare to die! SPACE GHOST: Not while I'm alive! Medical school! (Space Ghost summons a glowing ball of energy) C. LING TILE: Hey! Stop! MOLTAR: Space Ghost has mastered the five magics! SPACE GHOST: May cause drowsiness! C. LING TILE: No! SPACE GHOST: From your coffin! C. LING TILE: You don't have to throw that! SPACE GHOST: Because you're dead! (Space Ghost throws the ball, causing C. Ling Tile to burst into flames) C. LING TILE: Hey! That hurts! No! SPACE GHOST: Well, it looks like C. Ling will fit in perfectly...on the roof...in jail! ZORAK: He sure will, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Moltar, that's one tile that needs to be replaced! ZORAK: It sure does, Space Ghost! SPACE GHOST: Shut up, Zorak! ZORAK: (blink) (blink) SPACE GHOST: You make me sick. ZORAK: I do, don't I? (All laugh) SPACE GHOST: Now, don't we have some sex to take care of? SARAH JESSICA PARKER: (laughing) Yes. (All laugh again as the flashback ends) SPACE GHOST: That's how I defeated C. Ling and then, of course, did sex. (pause) It was all action, Jerry. Magic and action. JERRY SPRINGER: Unbelievable. SPACE GHOST: And yet, very true. And yet, very true. MOLTAR: You're insane! You never even took your clothes off! SPACE GHOST: Of course I didn't! It was sex! MOLTAR: That's some kind of sex! SPACE GHOST: Moltar, I will spin your head so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere...with gravity. MOLTAR: What? SPACE GHOST: And you'll be dead! MOLTAR: Why? SPACE GHOST: Because you weren't alive back then. ZORAK: Well, that ain't how I remember it - AT ALL! SPACE GHOST: What was that? Oh, the lying machine just turned on! JERRY SPRINGER: Uh, tell me your story. ZORAK: First off, I was lookin' real good. SPACE GHOST: Oh, here we go. (Flashback to Zorak with a big black Gene Simmons-like wig and sideburns) ZORAK: (voice-over) Anyway, Space Ghost was droning on and on about he packs for trips... SPACE GHOST: ...pairs of underwear. And I always bring one entire knapsack full of soap. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Um, and you are? SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: (laughing) Right. Uh, is your full name "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" or is it just "Space Ghost"? SPACE GHOST: Uh, I don't know. Hey! Want to see how high I can jump? SARAH JESSICA PARKER: Hmm... SPACE GHOST: I can jump high! I can go real high! SARAH JESSICA PARKER: (laughing) No, I thought maybe you were joking. SPACE GHOST: Okay! Here goes! (takes off) Weeeeeeeee!!! (Sarah Jessica Parker hides her face in her hands as Space Ghost bounces around the studio) ZORAK: (voice-over) That went on for....EVER! Luckily, Boston came by and picked me up. (We cut to outside GPI, where a spaceship with the Boston logo hovers to beam Zorak up. "Cool the Engines" starts playing in the background) SPACE GHOST: (voice-over) Oh bull! ZORAK: They said they needed a keyboardist and I said, "I'm your man-tis!" (Zorak gets beamed up to Boston's space ship) SPACE GHOST: Aggh... ZORAK: So long, suckers! (The Boston ship blasts off going at least Mach 4 in a blast of stars) ZORAK: And off we went! SPACE GHOST: (singing) That's a lie! ZORAK: They had this really cool ship! There was this whole freakin' city on a flyin' UFO guitar, powered by rock 'n' roll! SPACE GHOST: LIE! ZORAK: Boston rocks! SPACE GHOST: And where did your friends, Boston, take you? ZORAK: They were on their way to populate a new world where everyone would just rock forever! SPACE GHOST: That a LIE!!! ZORAK: All right! Who wants to ROCK?! There was not a life form we didn't rock. (The Boston ship streaks across the horizons of several planets where various creatures "rock out" to their irresistable heavy Boston sound) Is everybody ready to rock?! Yeah! Play some guitar!! Catch it! Man and mantis, rocking side-by-side. We're gonna rock your face! Ow! Who's ready to ROCK 'N' ROLL?!? Me and Boston: just like that. We rocked everyone we met. Oh god, it was beautiful. And when they were all rocked out, they dropped me off at home. THANKS, BOSTON! THAT ROCKED!! HEY BOSTON! KEEP ON ROCKIN'!! (The Boston ship departs after dropping Zorak off) ZORAK: Those guys know how to rock. (Space Ghost is still bouncing around the studio) SPACE GHOST: Like G.I. Joe! With his pants blown off! In the war! Aggh! Incoming! (Space Ghost lands head-first behind his desk) SARAH JESSICA PARKER: (laughing) SPACE GHOST: See that? I touched the ceiling! (A ceiling tile hits Space Ghost in the head) ZORAK: And that's when you started cryin' for Momma! SPACE GHOST: (crying) Mom-maaaaaa!!! (voice-over) I wasn't saying "Momma," I was saying, "Trauma." Like the kind I was about to dish out. (Flashback ends) SPACE GHOST: I was announcing it before-hand. ZORAK: To your Momma. SPACE GHOST: Besides, if I cried, it was because of kung-fu lasers...and starvation. (Pause) JERRY SPRINGER: Why don't you explain that? ZORAK: Yeah, explain it. SPACE GHOST: This is all a damned lie! JERRY SPRINGER: Um... SPACE GHOST: Don't listen to him, Jerry! I'll blow your brains clear into that river bank, Zorak. ZORAK: Yeah, sure you will. (drinks from his coffee mug) JERRY SPRINGER: But you were friends. Why would you do that? SPACE GHOST: Why are you always trying to get ahead of me, mantis? MOLTAR: You're all lyin'! JERRY SPRINGER: Oh. Moltar! SPACE GHOST: That's right, Jerry. Moltar. (Flashback starts) MOLTAR: First of all, I had the beautiful rock hair. (Now Moltar has the long, Gene Simmons hair with a black-and-white striped loverboy head-band. He reads a book) MOLTAR: Space Ghost was in the thing, talking to... someone. (Cut to the set, where the guest monitor shows a toy monkey playing the cymbals. The ceiling tile falls in slow motion.) SPACE GHOST: (in slow motion) Oh no! (Moltar switches the screen to various static-filled screens and test patterns) MOLTAR: I had everything under control, as usual. When all of the sudden... VOICE: (whispering) Psst! Hey buddy! MOLTAR: Who said that? VOICE: Me. (A red sports car pulls up to Moltar and crashed into the control console) MOLTAR: Where's the driver? Car: I'm a talking car. MOLTAR: Why are you here? Car: Why is anyone here? (The car backs out of the control room) MOLTAR: Whoa. (Flashback ends) MOLTAR: And that was when I decided I just need to spent a lot more time in church. (The group stares silently) SPACE GHOST: A talking car. Really. MOLTAR: No, you know what? I told it wrong. I had broken my lungs, that's what it was. And I was in the process of gluing them back together. So there I am.. (Flashback resumes) MOLTAR: ...and I start hearing this scary piano music. (scary piano music in background) So I turn around and there's this guy standing there. (A clown is standing behind Moltar. He's holding a sharp object.) MOLTAR: And he's wearing this mask, and I'm like, "What's up with that?" And he's got this knife, and he just starts coming at me, and the knife's like going, "Drrrvvv! Drrrvvvv! Drrrrvv!" (Flashback ends) ZORAK: You mean, uh, Michael Myers? MOLTAR: Oh, you know him? 'Cause he was coming right at me. ZORAK: Yeah. He's in this movie - "HALLOWEEN!" The one I loaned to you A YEAR AGO! MY movie, remember?! MOLTAR: Okay, all right, okay. So maybe it was a movie. I guess I was watching it with some of my friends. ZORAK: Pfft! MOLTAR: I don't know if you know 'em. They're the rock band Boston? SPACE GHOST: I don't know them. ZORAK: He doesn't know 'em. Look at his face! He's lyin'! MOLTAR: I'm not lyin'! JERRY SPRINGER: Oh gosh. MOLTAR: Truth is relative, Zorak! ZORAK: Especially when you're lyin'! JERRY SPRINGER: Um... MOLTAR: The trueness of one's truth, Zorak, is clearly based on their vernacular inaccuracies. ZORAK: What? JERRY SPRINGER: Um... SPACE GHOST: Yes, Zorak. Everyone knows that to be true. And you're dumb for not knowing that. ZORAK: What? JERRY SPRINGER: I have to be going soon. SPACE GHOST: (chuckles) As Moltar clearly said, the vascular... ZORAK: Say it. SPACE GHOST: You know if you couldn't understand the first time, I shouldn't have to waste my mouth saying it again. JERRY SPRINGER: It's not like I have another job or... ZORAK: Saying what again? MOLTAR: Yeah, what are you saying? SPACE GHOST: What I'm saying... MOLTAR: That's not what I said. SPACE GHOST: What I'm saying... MOLTAR: Bee-otch! SPACE GHOST: What I'm saying is... saying things are not relative. JERRY SPRINGER: This can't be during your sweeps. SPACE GHOST: And that, my friends, is the only truth. JERRY SPRINGER: Is there an end to any of this? SPACE GHOST: The other truth... is that I totally did sex with that girl. JERRY SPRINGER: Okay. SPACE GHOST: Because I did. JERRY SPRINGER: Good. SPACE GHOST: I completely dodily-did. JERRY SPRINGER: Yes! SPACE GHOST: Yes, I think you can say the two of us did that activity. MOLTAR: Oh, and Zorak? SPACE GHOST: There was a performance... MOLTAR: I totally hung out with Boston. (In the guest monitor, Jerry Springer has gotten out of his chair) SPACE GHOST: ...at the theater, if you catch my drift. JERRY SPRINGER: (into his lapel mic) Hey thanks, guys! (Space Ghost continues under the credits) SPACE GHOST: And we worked it from the balcony to below. JERRY SPRINGER: Nice talking with you. Bye-bye. C. LING TILE: Ho-HO! |