Fire Ant |
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(Open on set. Musical Fanfare as the guest monitor with Conan O'Brien inside lowers from the ceiling. The fanfare continues. And continues. And continues some more. Then stops.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Is that? Where...? (The fanfare starts again. Space Ghost, attached to a harness, descends from above and lands in his chair.) SPACE GHOST: That was awesome. CONAN O'BRIEN: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: Moltar, that was awesome! MOLTAR: Thank you. SPACE GHOST: Now, if you would, come in here and attach a speaker to my head. MOLTAR: Um...(clears throat)...why? SPACE GHOST: Because, Moltar, world hunger is something that affects all of us. MOLTAR: Of course. SPACE GHOST: Conan, I have designed this speaker to amplify my thoughts so people will quit asking me for sandwiches. That should work, right? CONAN O'BRIEN: I don't know what you're talking about, Space Ghost. My show was... (A drilling sound is heard.) SPACE GHOST: Go ahead, Moltar. (Moltar finishes attaching the speaker to Space Ghost's head, and a static noise is heard.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Maybe I should go. (More static comes out the speaker.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Huh? SPACE GHOST: (More static) CONAN O'BRIEN: What are you talking about? SPACE GHOST: (Static) CONAN O'BRIEN: "Crash my brow." I'm sorry, I'm not... SPACE GHOST: (Static) CONAN O'BRIEN: Did you say "Prance-a-Tron"? SPACE GHOST: Moltar, take this speaker off my head! It was obvioulsy a bad idea that you had! (An alarm signal sounds in the control room.) MOLTAR: Hey, you know, uh... SPACE GHOST: You. MOLTAR: No rush, but, uh, Alpha Centauri's gonna explode in about 15 seconds. SPACE GHOST: And you know of this? MOLTAR: Because some friends of mine are doing it. SPACE GHOST: Gas up the wench, and I'll need some longer straps. So get me the catalog, my stationery and... (Alpha Centauri explodes behind him.) SPACE GHOST: There's no time! Now hoist me to Alpha Centauri at once! Away! (Space Ghost is slowly lifted out of his chair as the musical fanfare starts again.) SPACE GHOST: Wait a minute. That's the wrong music. (More dramatic music plays.) SPACE GHOST: Thank you. That's better. (One of the harness straps break, leaving Space Ghost dangling above his desk.) SPACE GHOST: Ow! Don't everybody go freakin' out on me. This has happened once before, but I forgot what I did to fix it. ZORAK: Ah, we poked you with sticks until you fell down, remember? SPACE GHOST: You sure I didn't harness the power of the sun? ZORAK: No, it was definitely sticks. Beaten with sticks. SPACE GHOST: All right. Go get 'em. (To Conan) How's it goin', man? (Moltar and Zorak beat Space Ghost with sticks as he dangles from the ceiling.) SPACE GHOST: Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Not there! Ow! Ow! Oh! MOLTAR & ZORAK: (Laughing.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Ouch. SPACE GHOST: Hello, Conan! CONAN O'BRIEN: What, are you still here? SPACE GHOST: Welcome to the program! CONAN O'BRIEN: I'm sorry. I thought the show was over. SPACE GHOST: It started? CONAN O'BRIEN: Yeah. Oh yeah. SPACE GHOST: Okay. Well then, greetings I'm Space Ghost. CONAN O'BRIEN: Space Man. SPACE GHOST: Space Ghost. CONAN O'BRIEN: You were a space man who died and became a space ghost. SPACE GHOST: I've always been dead, Conan. CONAN O'BRIEN: No one can always be dead, Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: I was dead long before you were born, Conan, and I'll be dead long before you're dead. CONAN O'BRIEN: Space Ghost is obviously a space man who died and became a space ghost. Now, I know that you don't want the kids to know that you died (fake crying), but you died, baby! And you got to get down with that. SPACE GHOST: NO! CONAN O'BRIEN: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST! SPACE GHOST: NO! CONAN O'BRIEN: YOU'RE A SPACE MAN THAT CHOKED ON A MUFFIN! SPACE GHOST: THAT, SIR, IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I AM ALLERGIC TO MUFFINS! CONAN O'BRIEN: Oh, I'm sorry. SPACE GHOST: Yeah. You're thinking of Muffin Hunter. He's different. CONAN O'BRIEN: I saw that on the WB, actually. They'll carry anything. (Laughs.) SPACE GHOST: Well, they won't carry anything, Conan, because I pitched them a show where Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny were teenagers, and I was a teenager too, and we were all pirates, but every week we would have different jobs and identities. And they called back and said it was stupid! CONAN O'BRIEN: Well... SPACE GHOST: And that I was stupid too! And let me tell ya something. There's nothing stupid about a teenage rabbit teaching good hygiene! Nothing! (Space Ghost pounds his fist so hard on the desk that it bursts into flames.) CONAN O'BRIEN: C'mon. Let's just forget it! SPACE GHOST: Uh-oh. Look at my hand, Conan. CONAN O'BRIEN: I'm looking at your hand. (Pause.) That's what George Michael said. (Laughs.) Get it? 'Cause he had that problem? (Space Ghost's arm is now on fire.) MOLTAR: Aggh! Burnin' hair! Daddy! ZORAK: All right! Fire! SPACE GHOST: Um, Conan? CONAN O'BRIEN: Yes? Can I help you? SPACE GHOST: Um.... ZORAK: Pour gas on him! SPACE GHOST: Hobbies? Better get some water. CONAN O'BRIEN: Space Ghost, you're fumbling. Something's wrong. (Space Ghost grabs a blue card) SPACE GHOST: Conan, have you ever, uh...? (The card bursts into flames.) ZORAK: Light his other arm! SPACE GHOST: Have you ever... Um, dog? (Space Ghost holds flaming, half-burned card in front of guest monitor.) SPACE GHOST: Does this say dog? I guess I'll go from memory. (Silence as the fire spreads and Space Ghost's head bursts into flames.) ZORAK: (Laughs.) CONAN O'BRIEN: You know, when you first came on the air... SPACE GHOST: Uh-huh. CONAN O'BRIEN: I thought, "This guy hasn't got a chance." And no offense... SPACE GHOST: Right. CONAN O'BRIEN: But you know what I mean? You're from space... SPACE GHOST: Yeah. CONAN O'BRIEN: You're a cartoon, and your '60s show didn't really go anywhere. SPACE GHOST: Well, it got me a Camaro. CONAN O'BRIEN: Well, your '60s show wasn't that great. SPACE GHOST: It was just so sophisticated... CONAN O'BRIEN: It just wasn't! You were raw. You were unmolded clay. (Space Ghost is now completely engulfed in flames.) SPACE GHOST: Conan, I was improvising! With monsters! My mind was my script, and my brain my only writer... (Flashback to old "Space Ghost" episode. As Space Ghost says his lines, they are seen as subtitles at the bottom of the screen.) SPACE GHOST: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha? MONSTER: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! (As the monster repeats the chant, Space Ghost starts dancing to the beat.) MONSTER: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! MONSTER AND SPACE GHOST: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! (The camera cuts to show Moltar and Zorak standing among various other old "Space Ghost" monsters. A young boy pokes his head out from inside a log.) SPACE GHOST: C'mon, Zorak! MONSTER AND SPACE GHOST: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! (Flashback ends and we return to set.) SPACE GHOST: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha! Hoona Igna... CONAN O'BRIEN: Are you ready to come back now, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: ...Chowa. This thing, this thing would have been a hit. CONAN O'BRIEN: It wasn't very good. ZORAK: I know! I only did it for two episodes, and it ruined my career! MOLTAR: Yeah, me too! ZORAK: I couldn't get work for five years! So I had to steal things for money! MOLTAR: Yeah, me too! ZORAK: Now look at us! MOLTAR: They won't even animate us! ZORAK: 'Cause they hate us! MOLTAR: It's the worst show we've ever been involved in! ZORAK: We wouldn't even cash our checks! MOLTAR: We didn't want the money! ZORAK: We just wanted to be killed! (Pause.) ZORAK: Conan, look at me when I talk to ya. CONAN O'BRIEN: Is it Moltar? ZORAK: That's me. Yeah. Moltar. MOLTAR: I'm Moltar! SPACE GHOST: Shut up, Moltar. CONAN O'BRIEN: You're Moltar, and you're Zorak. ZORAK: You know what? It's Wallace now. MOLTAR: I'm Wallace too! SPACE GHOST: Shut up, Wall-tar...Walltor. Moll-usk. That's your name? MOLTAR: Ugh. SPACE GHOST: Let's say Zorak was Wallace. ZORAK: I am. SPACE GHOST: What would you do with Wild Wallace? CONAN O'BRIEN: I think what I'd do at first, is I'd hold out my arms like this. SPACE GHOST: And shove him to death? Oh, good one. CONAN O'BRIEN: My apologies. So what are you talking about? SPACE GHOST: A weapon that will blow his head off! CONAN O'BRIEN: I don't have a weapon. SPACE GHOST: Well, that's very stupid. And you won't make it in television. CONAN O'BRIEN: So always have a weapon? SPACE GHOST: Yes. Or no. Whatever. CONAN O'BRIEN: Can it be a conventional Earth weapon? SPACE GHOST: No. CONAN O'BRIEN: Okay. Uh, so a ray. SPACE GHOST: No. CONAN O'BRIEN: I'm confused 'cause there's so many-- SPACE GHOST: No. Just forget it, okay? CONAN O'BRIEN: How'm I doin' so far, Space Ghost? SPACE GHOST: Oh, great. Great. Really great. CONAN O'BRIEN: Do you really mean that? SPACE GHOST: No. CONAN O'BRIEN: Because I have a Sincere Meter, and you are way in the red. SPACE GHOST: Oh, that is a shame. CONAN O'BRIEN: I am not showing any sincerity on this. SPACE GHOST: I mean a real shame. CONAN O'BRIEN: Yeah. Sure. SPACE GHOST: So, uh, what's your thing? Like I care. CONAN O'BRIEN: You're so unprepared. Maybe if you sent less time polishing your titanium interspace craft, or adjusting the setting on your ray, if you spent a little more time preparing for the interview, maybe the interviews would go a little better. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, me too. (Space Ghost notices an ant next to his foot and bends down for a closer look.) CONAN O'BRIEN: You seem baffled, Space Ghost. What's wrong? SPACE GHOST: I'm lookin' at this ant. I think this is the ant that bit me. CONAN O'BRIEN: You're pathetic. SPACE GHOST: Hold on, Conan. (To ant) That's it, c'mon. OWWW!!! (Space Ghost blasts the ant.) SPACE GHOST: Try biting me now, ant! From the afterlife! CONAN O'BRIEN: You know, I've been interviewed by all of them. Regis. Kathie Lee. Regis and Kathie Lee. SPACE GHOST: Right. CONAN O'BRIEN: I'd like to say that I think this show is very bad... SPACE GHOST: Okay. CONAN O'BRIEN: ...and should be stopped. SPACE GHOST: Okay. CONAN O'BRIEN: I think you're a bad person, and don't take this the wrong way... SPACE GHOST: All right. CONAN O'BRIEN: ...but I think you represent evil... SPACE GHOST: Yeah. CONAN O'BRIEN: ...and your presence makes any kind of progress in the universe impossible. SPACE GHOST: Hold on a second, Conan. Moltar? This ant has come back from the dead. It must be one of those self-repeating, immortal Franken-ants. CONAN O'BRIEN: It's probably just another, different ant. SPACE GHOST: A second ant? No, no. It's his brother avenging the death of his twin! It's his twin brother! CONAN O'BRIEN: Really? SPACE GHOST: I'm gonna follow him home. Kill his whole family. (As Conan talks, Space Ghost starts following the ant across the set.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Well, Space Ghost, at the end of an interview, it's traditional for the talk show host to say, "Thanks for being here, Conan. This was Conan O'Brien. Check out his show on NBC at 12:35." You didn't do that. You completely blew me off. For all these people know, my show is a cop show on, uh, Fox or something, thanks to you. SPACE GHOST: Isn't it? CONAN O'BRIEN: Where you goin'? SPACE GHOST: The sand. (Space Ghost continues to slowly follow the ant.) CONAN O'BRIEN: Anyone want to do anything? ZORAK: Nah. I've done it all. CONAN O'BRIEN: (Points to Moltar) Hey, do you want to, uh...? MOLTAR: With you? CONAN O'BRIEN: ...by any... MOLTAR: Uh, no. CONAN O'BRIEN: No? MOLTAR: No. CONAN O'BRIEN: 'Cause I don't have, I have plenty of free time. I, I have nothin'...hello? Where? (The lights in the studio go out as Space Ghost follows the ant past Zorak's keyboard.) CONAN O'BRIEN: You guys... ZORAK: That's right. You keep crawlin', baby. CONAN O'BRIEN: Okay, well. I'll just be here. I'll be here in the morning if anyone needs me. (For the next 10 -- yes, 10 -- minutes, Space Ghost follows the ant. As he hums to himself, he travels through the halls of Ghost Planet Industries, outside the building, over a rock, down a mountainside...) SPACE GHOST: Ants are so stupid. (He continues down the mountain, over and under a cliff...) SPACE GHOST: I am going to so kill you. (And he follows some more, knocking his head into a rock, through the Ghost Planet wildnerness, below the surface of a pond, past an underwater city, back above the surface of the pond, through more wilderness, over a sandy plain, across a desert...) SPACE GHOST: This time tomorrow, you'll be dead. You down with that? 'Cause it's gonna happen. (Finally -- FINALLY -- Space Ghost arrives at the ant's house, where he finds a giant ant monster.) SPACE GHOST: Hey, your son just bit me here! I want to know what you're gonna do about it! (The ant monsters roar and chase after Space Ghost.) SPACE GHOST: (Running away) Your son is a moron! |