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(An Italian-speaking Space Ghost invisos onto set. Speaks Italian. The real Space Ghost walks up to him) SPACE GHOST: Okay, off you go. (Italian-speaking invisos out. The real looks at Zorak, who is grinning with a mouth full of teeth.) SPACE GHOST: When'd you get teeth? ZORAK: (through teeth) Ya like 'em? SPACE GHOST: No, I don't like 'em. (Space Ghost walks over to Zorak and punches him in the mouth) ZORAK: Agh! Agh Agh! SPACE GHOST: I like that. ZORAK: Agh Agh! SPACE GHOST: They look better on the floor. (Zorak spits teeth at Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Hey Zorak! You made a mess on the floor there, buddy. (As Space Ghost walks back to set, Zorak follows him holding a folding chair) ZORAK: Hey! (off-camera Boom is heard) That's for knockin' my teeth out! (Space Ghost walks back over to Zorak; off-camera punch followed by Zorak chasing Space Ghost with the chair again. As a high-speed chase ensues back and forth, the guest monitor lowers) TAYLOR HANSON: Where's the love in this room? SPACE GHOST: Hanson! Wooo! TAYLOR HANSON: There's no bondage. ISSAC HANSON: Where's the love, man? SPACE GHOST: Ha, now you boys have teeth, don't ya? TAYLOR HANSON: What? SPACE GHOST: Look at that! Three boys with teeth! And hair. Beautiful girl hair. TAYLOR HANSON: What are you trying to say? SPACE GHOST: The little one looks like Claudia Schiffer. (Zachary Hanson flips hair around) Taylor Handon: Wow. ISSAC HANSON: Wow. ZACHARY HANSON: Can I be your co-host? SPACE GHOST: All Righty. (Zachary Hanson keeps flipping hair) SPACE GHOST: Let's comb it. MOLTAR: That would rule! ZORAK: Yeah, you can comb it WITH MY FRICKIN' TEETH! (Space Ghost flies over for an off-camera attack on Zorak) SPACE GHOST: Take a little of this with ya! (incoherent struggling)...like a lobster! (A beeper sounds) ZORAK: Oh, that's me. Um, I gotta take this. (he lowers himself beneath circular keyboard) SPACE GHOST: Anyone have a comb? Who's got a comb? MOLTAR: I think I got a rake. SPACE GHOST: Ah. MOLTAR: If that helps. SPACE GHOST: No, we need a comb. MOLTAR: It's really sharp. (Zorak is heard babbling off-camera) SPACE GHOST: Go buy a comb. (Moltar is reading a book) MOLTAR: Um, all right. I'll do it in five minutes. SPACE GHOST: Moltar, just go buy a comb. MOLTAR: I'll do it! In five minutes. SPACE GHOST: Wait! I've got it! Construct a robot, name it "Orlando" and program it to go purchase a comb for Hanson. MOLTAR: I'll get right on that. SPACE GHOST: An unbreakable comb. (Zorak returns) ZORAK: Uh, we got a Wet-Vac? SPACE GHOST: Are you gold brickin'? ZORAK: What does it look like I'm doing? ISSAC HANSON: I like it when, when Zorak gets blown up. SPACE GHOST: Is that what Hanson wants? Then let me make it about to happen. (Space Ghost walks over to Zorak. off-camera sounds of something being inflated are heard. The camera shows zorak puffed up like a balloon) SPACE GHOST: You look like a big blowfish! (laughs) HANSON: (collective laugh) SPACE GHOST: Ha ha! Maybe I should call you "Hootie"! Ha ha ha! HANSON: (collective groan) TAYLOR HANSON: Maybe. SPACE GHOST: Okay! Now he dies! TAYLOR HANSON: No, I want to be shot! Please! SPACE GHOST: So, you like the lasers, do ya? ZACHARY HANSON: Yes!!! (RAISES HANDS OVER HIS HEAD) SPACE GHOST: All righty! TAYLOR HANSON: Yeah, can you get us too? Get... just shoot us all three. ISSAC HANSON: No, no, no. I'm gonna...I'm gonna move. SPACE GHOST: I'm gonna do the trick shot, Moltar. Check this out! (Moltar continues reading) SPACE GHOST: Hey, remember how cool it was the last time? When I did the trick shot? (Zorak deflates and flies away from keyboard) SPACE GHOST: All right, screw it! (to Hanson) Now don't go tellin' your dad on me! (Space Ghost blasts Zachary right in the stomach) ZACHARY HANSON: OH GOD, IT HURTS!!! TAYLOR HANSON: That looks like fun. SPACE GHOST: Now comes pain. (Blasts Zachary in stomach again) ZACHARY HANSON: Oh!! Yes!! Oh, higher!!! Please!!! SPACE GHOST: Is this legal? (Zachary collapses onto floor) SPACE GHOST: Walk it off, Zach. Walk it off. ISSAC HANSON: Oooh!! TAYLOR HANSON: Oh man. Maybe you should use the eleven. SPACE GHOST: You want yours now, young man? TAYLOR HANSON: C'mon! (Space Ghost blasts Taylor in the stomach) TAYLOR HANSON: Okay, a little lower. Little lower. Little lower. SPACE GHOST: You don't want it lower. Heh heh. Zorak, take a picture of us. (Zorak deflates and falls behind keyboard) SPACE GHOST: Oh wait, I want Orlando in the picture! Orlando? Where's Orlando? ZORAK: That was fun. Blow me up again! SPACE GHOST: Orlando! ZORAK: Blow me up again! SPACE GHOST: Orlando! ZORAK: C'mon, I like it! SPACE GHOST: We're waiting! ZORAK: Blow me up! Blow me up again! SPACE GHOST: Don't you want your picture taken with Hanson? ZORAK: C'mon! Blow me-- (Space Ghost blasts Zorak again) Aggghh!! SPACE GHOST: Moltar, where's Orlando? MOLTAR: Oh, uh, you know what? I made him, but then he was...bad-mouthin'...you all over the set. So I exiled him from the building. SPACE GHOST: Heads-up thinking, Moltar. Come down here for your reward. (Moltar sees Space Ghost ready to blast, then Space Ghost quickly moves hands. Moltar pauses, then walks onto set) MOLTAR: You guys, you shouldn't have-- (Space Ghost starts smacking Moltar) SPACE GHOST: Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! MOLTAR: Well, I... SPACE GHOST: Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Where do you get off? MOLTAR: It wadn't like that. SPACE GHOST: Oh, I'm just kiddin'. It's just my little way of promoting you! MOLTAR: Really? SPACE GHOST: Yep! You're the new vice president of this general area except for my desk! And, uh, take care of your brother while we're gone. MOLTAR: Where are you goin'? SPACE GHOST: Where do you think? To get these boys a comb! Come on, Hanson! Let's go camping! (Scene transitions to Space Ghost and monitor with Hanson around campfire) SPACE GHOST: And his whole head was made of bacon! ZACHARY HANSON: Oh, man! SPACE GHOST: (laughing) Oh, that was a good one. Hey, you boys ever hear the story of The Oasis of the Headless Mad Comber of Comb Mountain? (A wolf howl) HANSON: No. SPACE GHOST: Shh! You hear that? (Owl hooting) SPACE GHOST: Crickets. (blasts, followed by an off-camera scream) Legend has it you can hear him, (off-camera scream) every night about this time. Sharpening his comb. His pink, plastic comb. Asking his victims, "Part on the right, or the left?" Hooks for feet... TAYLOR HANSON: No... SPACE GHOST: Hooks for feet! Eyes made of wood. Combing. Combing. Harder and harder until you were dead! HANSON: (groaning) SPACE GHOST: Ones say he just disappeared. Others say he's still here. Combing. Combing. Combing! (pulls out comb) Oh no! Oh no! (Hanson sits quietly) SPACE GHOST: Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. HANSON: No! No! No! No! SPACE GHOST: In my apartment. ISSAC HANSON: Yes, of course. (Transition to Space Ghost's apartment) SPACE GHOST: So how's about this for a crib? HANSON: Whoa! (all three praise and bow to Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: I like it. Hey look! My show's on! (The TV screen shows Space Ghost's set in flames with Zorak running back and forth, quickly replaced by a "Please Stand-By" slate depicting Moltar holding a fire extinguisher) SPACE GHOST: We should probably... go back there. (Transition to Space Ghost and Hanson in Phantom Cruiser) SPACE GHOST: I love driving you boys around. Driving Hanson comes naturally to me. ISSAC HANSON: I think "Space Ghost" sounds really kind of cool, you know? TAYLOR HANSON: You know, this entire show he's been talking about how awesome Space Ghost...you are. ISSAC HANSON: I, I'm sucking up. TAYLOR HANSON: He's just, he's suckin' up. I think... ISSAC HANSON: I wanna, I, I wanna, I wanna... SPACE GHOST: I guess I really ought to be watching where we're going, but I'm not. ISSAC HANSON: Do we get a, a cool invisible thing that makes us invisible? ZACHARY HANSON: Like one of those belts things? SPACE GHOST: Seatbelts? Those are for nerds. You boys aren't nerds, are ya? 'Cause this ain't the nerd taxi. AUTOMATED VOICE: Obstruction alert! SPACE GHOST: Driving is so boring. Let's sing a song. AUTOMATED VOICE: Collision imminent. ISSAC HANSON: You need to be more parental. TAYLOR HANSON: Parental? ISSAC HANSON: Sometimes. TAYLOR HANSON: No he doesn't. He's Space Ghost. SPACE GHOST: Yeah, mind your own business, Isaac. ISSAC HANSON: Okay. On second thought. ZACHARY HANSON: What were you thinking, man? SPACE GHOST: C'mon, get us rolling. (Hanson starts singing) HANSON: A boom boom boom boom Space Ghost! A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR! A boom boom boom boom ZORAK! A boom boom boom boom SPACE GHOST! SPACE GHOST: Hanson! HANSON: A boom boom boom boom SPACE GHOST! SPACE GHOST: SPACE GHOST! HANSON: A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR! SPACE GHOST: SPACE GHOST! HANSON: A boom boom... SPACE GHOST: SPACE GHOST! TAYLOR HANSON: Agh, that's a horrible song! SPACE GHOST: Keep singing! HANSON: A boom boom boom boom MOLTAR! SPACE GHOST: MOLTAR! HANSON: A boom boom boom boom ZORAK! SPACE GHOST: ZORAK! A boom boom boom boom WATCH OUT! (The cruiser collides with an old lady wielding a wand) HANSON: Whoa!!! TAYLOR HANSON: Oh, God! SPACE GHOST: Aggghhh!!!!! (Cruiser catches fire as Space Ghost and Hanson are thrown into space) SPACE GHOST: Well, that's upsetting. TAYLOR HANSON: This is not good, okay. SPACE GHOST: You boys have to go. ISSAC HANSON: Be careful. That, that's a dangerous weapon that you have on there. SPACE GHOST: You saw me hit that old lady. And I can't have this on my record. ISSAC HANSON: Oh, bad idea. TAYLOR HANSON: How about we just run and you can... ISSAC HANSON: We'll, we'll, we'll teleport out of here. SPACE GHOST: We're not running anywhere, Taylor. TAYLOR HANSON: What are you trying to say? SPACE GHOST: What I'm trying to say is, "A boom boom boom boom GOOD-BYE!" (Space Ghost blasts Hanson) HANSON: Aggh!!! Good-bye world! (Space Ghost arrives back on set) SPACE GHOST: Hey, what happened to the-? MOLTAR: It's out. SPACE GHOST: What about-? MOLTAR: It's fixed. SPACE GHOST: Eh, good. Good. MOLTAR: Where's Hanson? SPACE GHOST: Eh, how should I know? MOLTAR: Well, you had 'em! SPACE GHOST: Oh! Han-son! Yeah, we got that comb! MOLTAR: Yeah? And? SPACE GHOST: Oh, and, uh, then I took 'em home to be with their dad. MOLTAR: Then why is he on the phone looking for 'em? At his house? SPACE GHOST: Hang up. (Phone hangs up, then rings again) MOLTAR: It's Daddy! SPACE GHOST: Moltar, how can I talk to Mr. Hanson after I just mowed down the Tooth Fairy? MOLTAR: Why would he care? He don't even know the Tooth Fairy! SPACE GHOST: Maybe because I hurled his sons into space to dispose of them because they were witnesses? Ya think he might care about that, Moltar? Do ya? MOLTAR: You sure she's dead? SPACE GHOST: Uh, yeah. MOLTAR: Can never tell. SPACE GHOST: She was on fire, Moltar. You know, fire? (Space Ghost has giant bags of human teeth in front of his desk) ZORAK: Hey, are those your teeth? SPACE GHOST: They are now. ZORAK: Gimme those teeth! SPACE GHOST: Why? ZORAK: So I can get into clubs. SPACE GHOST: You don't go to clubs. ZORAK: Because I don't have any teeth! (Santa descends from the ceiling) SANTA: Ho ho ho ho ho ho! MOLTAR: It's Santa! SANTA: Christmas isn't about getting into clubs, Zorak! MOLTAR: Hi Santa!! Didja get my letter? SANTA: Space Ghost! You've destroyed the Tooth Fairy. SPACE GHOST: Nuh-uh! SANTA: I know when you've been bad and good, and you've been very good! I've been trying to kill her myself for years! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!! MOLTAR: But why, Santa? Why? SANTA: So that I could be the Tooth Fairy, Moltar. Then Santa could use all the little children's teeth to make bizarre and twisted toys for Santa's own amusement! Ho ho ho ho ho!!! SPACE GHOST: (thinking to himself) That doesn't sound like the Santa I know. SANTA: (in evil voice) Because I'm not the Santa you know! I'm Bizarro Santa! From the Electroid Dimension! (Santa transforms into a freakishly evil creature. Meanwhile, the Tooth Fairy appears) MOLTAR: Hey! The Tooth Fairy! SPACE GHOST: Agh! Zombie! MOLTAR: All right! SPACE GHOST: Hey, I mowed you over! TOOTH FAIRY: No, Space Ghost. You destroyed a robot built to look like me. BIZARRO SANTA: Okay. TOOTH FAIRY: Bizarro Santa has been trying to kill me for years. BIZARRO SANTA: Ho ho ho-oh Tannebaum! You gonna believe that fairy tale? Trust in me. I'm the good one. TOOTH FAIRY: No, Space Ghost! I'm the good one! BIZARRO SANTA: Ho ho ho! Silence! (Bizarro Santa throws the Tooth Fairy across the set with his tail) SPACE GHOST: Oh no! (Zorak hops across the set toward the bags of teeth) BIZARRO SANTA: Ho ho ho! Give me the teeth! TOOTH FAIRY: But I paid for them! BIZARRO SANTA: I have plans for those teeth! ZORAK: Lemme just grab a handful. TOOTH FAIRY: They belong to me! ZORAK: For the clubs! BIZARRO SANTA: You'll never get into a club! ZORAK: What if I have a date? (The Tooth Fairy zaps the teeth and carries them off) ZORAK: Gimme those teeth! (Zorak, the Tooth Fairy and Bizarro Santa all float around the set, shouting incoherently at each other) SPACE GHOST: All right, everybody! Just hold on a second! (All are silent) SPACE GHOST: What happened? (Credits roll. Under credits we hear:) ITALIAN-SPEAKING SPACE GHOST: (speaking Italian) SPACE GHOST: Take a hike, Louie. ITALIAN-SPEAKING SPACE GHOST: Ah, Space Ghost, why you sit there with the power bands... you try to make me mad? Why can't you just be nice? SPACE GHOST: Hey look! There's Frank Sinatra! ITALIAN-SPEAKING SPACE GHOST: Soon, Space Ghost, we will go to war. SPACE GHOST: Okey-doke. Bye now. (Italian Space Ghost mumbling) ZORAK: No, no! It's gotta be heated! Heat it up! |