Kentucky Nightmare |
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(Space Ghost invisos to set. A large shark is laying on the floor behind him.) SPACE GHOST: Greetings, welcome to the show. ZORAK: Hey! SPACE GHOST: Tonight my guest is Corey Feldman. ZORAK: Hey! (beat) What's with the shark? SPACE GHOST: That's been there... for over a year. ZORAK: Oh. Well, I don't remember it. SPACE GHOST: Well, it was one year ago today I brought it in and said, "Here is the shark, I'll place it right here." MOLTAR: (In the control room) What did I say? SPACE GHOST: You said you were so excited about this merger that you couldn't speak. MOLTAR: Uh, what merger? SPACE GHOST: The merger between this talk show and that shark. I know I told you this. ZORAK: (Beat) MOLTAR: (Beat) ZORAK: Well, I don't remember. SPACE GHOST: Look, that is Ol' Kentucky Shark, and he has been there. Okay, Zorak and Moltar? Are we clear now? ZORAK: Tch, yeah. (Space Ghost walks toward his desk) ZORAK: You don't want me to play you to your desk? SPACE GHOST: (Stops walking) When have we ever done that? We've never done it that way! (Continues walking) And if you think you're gonna get sympathy from the shark, well then you won't. (Reaches his desk & sits down, glances toward Zorak) Stupid. (Looks at the camera) Now, let's welcome Corey Feldman. (Monitor lowers with Willie Nelson) WILLIE NELSON: Hello. SPACE GHOST: Or Willie Nelson, it, it really doesn't matter. WILLIE NELSON: Thank you. (smiles) SPACE GHOST: Maybe it does matter. Eh, hello, Willie, do you know Ol' Kentucky Shark? WILLIE NELSON: Gosh, I don't know. SPACE GHOST: (Holds Ol' Kentucky up to monitor, who starts growling) Well, allow me! Ol' Kentucky Shark, this is Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson, Ol' Kentucky Shark. WILLIE NELSON: My pleasure. SPACE GHOST: (Drops Ol' Kentucky) See, Ol' Kentucky Shark is the brand new mascot of the failing liquor chain that bought us. ZORAK: Ohhhh, so now there's a liquor store involved... SPACE GHOST: Look, in the heat of conversation, Zorak, I may have said certain things I don't believe to be true. ZORAK: So... you lied. SPACE GHOST: Are you slow? The alleged lie that you might have heard me saying, allegedly moments ago? That's a parasite that lives in my neck. WILLIE NELSON: (grimaces) SPACE GHOST: Mars will never put up with this. WILLIE NELSON: What planet are you from? SPACE GHOST: Planet of Hollywood. Boy, you can order a hamburger with predator braids. Ya ever been there? WILLIE NELSON: I don't, I probably have, but I don't, you know... SPACE GHOST: You'd know if you'd been there. Your guitar would explode in your hands. WILLIE NELSON: That's neat. Where do you get them clothes? (Sips coffee from his mug) SPACE GHOST: I don't know if you'd know 'em... Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Voice: ??? chain. SPACE GHOST: They made 'em for me. WILLIE NELSON: Now that's a helluva deal. SPACE GHOST: Oh yeah, the tag says "Made in Malaysia by Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn". ZORAK: Don't ya think that's weird that the tag would say that? SPACE GHOST: And yet it does. (Growling sound in background) See? (holds his sleeve up to Willie, so he can see the tag) WILLIE NELSON: You don't have cape houses in, uh, Spaceville? (A bear walks by outside, behind Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: (Looks at the bear) What's that bear doing? ZORAK: He's walkin' around. SPACE GHOST: He's probably going south, to mate with birds. (Turns to Willie) Bears are crazy, Willie. They'll bite your head if you're wearing steak on it. WILLIE NELSON: (Laughs) Yeah, oh yeah, that's, those are neat. SPACE GHOST: (Facing the windows, watching the bear) Yup. (Out by an open door, Moltar is smoking. The bear comes through the door, walking past Moltar.) MOLTAR: How ya doin'? (Back at Space Ghost's desk) SPACE GHOST: This next question is brought to you by Ol' Kentucky Shark, of Kentucky Nightmare Talkshow Liquor Corporation. You might remember him. WILLIE NELSON: Yeah. SPACE GHOST: He's the fish you met earlier. WILLIE NELSON: He's my friend, too, I like him. SPACE GHOST: Really. WILLIE NELSON: Oh, yeah. SPACE GHOST: All right. (Stands up, talks to Ol' Kentucky) Am I supposed to ask you this question, or you ask me? How's this work? (Ol' Kentucky continues lying there silently) SPACE GHOST: Okay, I'll just jump in here. Willie, who wrote the extremely famous phrase, "A shark on whiskey is mighty risky. A shark on beer is a beer engineer"? WILLIE NELSON: (Scratches his chin, then laughs, then thinks some more) Uh... SPACE GHOST: Give up? (Aims his power bands at Willie) WILLIE NELSON: Yeah, yeah. SPACE GHOST: The answer we're looking for, Willie, is Doctor Worm. ZORAK: Who's Doctor Worm? SPACE GHOST: Nobody, so shut up. WILLIE NELSON: You're a good lookin' cowboy there, when you got on them... SPACE GHOST: (Stands up) Yes I am. WILLIE NELSON: You're a space cowboy, is what you are. SPACE GHOST: (Walks over to Zorak's keyboard pod) Two, three, four. (Zorak accompanies Space Ghost's off-key singing by pounding on the keyboard) SPACE GHOST: ("Singing") Some people call me the space cowboy... WILLIE NELSON: Do you have a second line in mind? SPACE GHOST: (Continues "singing") Dumb people haul trash around. (Stops singing) I'm still working on it. WILLIE NELSON: I think it's got some potential there, I'll... SPACE GHOST: That's good. (Starts walking back toward his desk) Because it's done. (Zorak continues pounding on the keys, Space Ghost turns toward him) SPACE GHOST: Zorak.. (Trips over Ol' Kentucky and falls) Damn shark! (Stands up, face to face with the bear) (The bear growls at Space Ghost, who backs away) SPACE GHOST: (Hiding behind Zorak's keyboard pod) Zorak, you must be secreting something that's attracting this bear! ZORAK: I haven't done anything! (Looks at camera) Heh heh, except for this. (Secretes a yellow cloud) Merry Christmas! SPACE GHOST: Zorak, take your glands outside! ZORAK: Heh, okay. (Bounces away) SPACE GHOST: Phew! God, crack open a window! (Space Ghost has a flashback thought bubble, with Bobcat Goldthwait) BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: (In the thought bubble) Wow, Space Ghost, man, crack a window, will ya? SPACE GHOST: (Laughs) Crack a window, eh Willie? (Laughs) WILLIE NELSON: (Laughs) SPACE GHOST: Crack open all the... Gaaa! (The bear attacks Space Ghost, he invisos out) (In the control room, Space Ghost invisos in) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, what's the bear doing here? MOLTAR: (Sighs in disgust) Here, let me show you. (Throws lever, a video plays on his monitor, showing the cartoon bear walking in the woods.) SPACE GHOST: Ah yes, my documentary. (Music plays in the background, Space Ghost narrates) SPACE GHOST: Bears and sharks always travel together. (The bear stands by a stream and growls, baring his teeth, while a shark floats by on its back) Just look at them, walking through the wooded forest, paw in fin. (The bear and the shark walk by. The camera suddenly pans up to bare tree branches.) It's on account of their teeth (Bear and shark start to growl and fight) that makes them "Nature's Best Friends" (Title appears in center of screen, as growling and fighting continue in background) SPACE GHOST: (To camera) I made this for public television, but they told me it was stupid and grossly inaccurate. MOLTAR: (Throws lever, stopping the video) SPACE GHOST: (Raises his fist to Moltar) You been smoking? MOLTAR: No! SPACE GHOST: I can smell it in your hair. Crack a window, will ya? (Laughs) (Back in the studio) ZORAK: Hey, look at this! (Secretes a yellow cloud again) That's gonna carry all the way to the village. (Evil laugh) MOLTAR: There ain't no village. ZORAK: ??? ??? ??? SPACE GHOST: Moltar, Zorak's secretion will certainly wipe out the village's sandwich shop. MOLTAR: There ain't no village. ZORAK: (Evil laugh, secretes another cloud) SPACE GHOST: The village! (flies off) MOLTAR: There ain't no village! WILLIE NELSON: Hey, Molt. MOLTAR: Hey, Willie, I'm going outside for a smoke. (Walks away from the console) (Back on the set) SPACE GHOST: (Flies back to his desk, carrying a six foot sub sandwich) I was too late. This is all that was left. Their six foot party sub. Their king, Randy, made it for me, while I waited. (Takes several bites out of the end of the sandwich, and talks with his mouth full) No one will ever know their way of life. ZORAK: (From outside the studio, muffled by the glass) Hey, look over here. SPACE GHOST: (Turns to look at Zorak outside) ZORAK: Gimme that sandwich! SPACE GHOST: (Still talking with his mouth full) Zorak, get back in here. I didn't give you permission to go outside! ZORAK: Moltar's out here smokin'. MOLTAR: (Runs by, smoke trailing behind him) I am not! (The bear approaches Space Ghost, growling) SPACE GHOST: Shut up! (The bear jumps Space Ghost, knocking him down) SPACE GHOST: Ow! (Space Ghost and the bear battle behind his desk, he pokes his head up) Shark, help... (The bear pulls him down again. The shark lies dormant on the studio floor. Space Ghost finally stands up). This is B.S., man. I'm gonna go see Doctor Worm and re-evaluate this merger. (The bear jumps him again) (Space Ghost is in Doctor Worm's office, where Doctor Worm is in a small golden cage lying on a small pillow.) DOCTOR WORM: Be chicken malt lickin' daddy's head be tickin'. SPACE GHOST: Yes, I know. (Back in the studio, the bear approaches Willie on the monitor, growling) WILLIE NELSON: (To the bear) Hey, how ya doin', Tex? ZORAK: Eh, that bear's a Yankee. WILLIE NELSON: Well, (bleep) him. (Space Ghost flies back to his desk, the bear turns to attack him again) SPACE GHOST: That's right, I just talked to Doctor Worm, and he had some interesting things to say. (The bear continues to growl at Space Ghost ) SPACE GHOST: (Scoots backward in his chair) YOu get away from me! (Bear growls face to face with Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Okay then! (Walks to other side of set) Willie, I'm just going to do the show from over here. WILLIE NELSON: Good luck. (Bear lunges at Space Ghost) SPACE GHOST: Oh no! (The bear grabs him and runs off stage) (Zorak, Willie and Moltar all laugh) SPACE GHOST: Shark, help! (The bear finally drops Space Ghost near an open door) Ow! (Space Ghost is back in Doctor Worm's office) DOCTOR WORM: I'm so drunk I'm liable to do anything to you, boy! SPACE GHOST: Well... DOCTOR WORM: Now get outta here, before I put you in the worst headlock of your life! (Back at the set, the bear is sitting in Space Ghost's chair. Space Ghost lands in front of his desk, and the bear rears and growls. He flies away to the other side of the set) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, we need more shots of the shark. Shake the camera, make it look like he's swimming. (The camera is facing the desk, and starts bobbing up and down in a sea-sickness-inducing manor) MOLTAR: Is that good? SPACE GHOST: Yeah, that's great. Where's the shark? Y'know? MOLTAR: I dunno. WILLIE NELSON: Is he around somewhere? SPACE GHOST: God, I hope so, or that worm's gonna go crazy. Moltar... (Camera stops bobbing) Willie, will you entertain that bear for a few minutes while I go look for the shark? WILLIE NELSON: Oh, I think I probably overspoke. (Laughs) SPACE GHOST: Just wave some meat around. Zorak, where's the shark? ZORAK: He's outside. SPACE GHOST: Ol' Kentucky, you shouldn't be outside there in that sun. You need to come inside and put on some sunblock and a wide brimmed... (Shark's head explodes) Oh no! (Moltar and Zorak laugh hysterically) SPACE GHOST: Moltar... MOLTAR: No, no, it was not us. (Laughs) ZORAK: But it is funny. (Laughs) MOLTAR: Yeah! (Laughs) SPACE GHOST: (Invisos to control room) Then how did it happen? MOLTAR: Here, look at this (throws his lever, Space Ghost's documentary starts playing on his monitor again. The shark and bear are facing off to fight) SPACE GHOST: Ah yes, my documentary. SPACE GHOST: (Narrating) Why do sharks explode? (Camera pans up to shark in a tree; it explodes with a bang) (Illustration of shark with firecrackers in its head, accompanied by the text labels "Brains" and "Sex Organs" with arrows) This is because sometimes their brains and sexual organs are made out of M-80's. (Dissolve to wooded scene with another shark) Sometimes, to attract mates, a shark will explode. (Shark explodes) (Several other sharks lying on the ground explode in sequence as the narration continues) And sometimes they explode just to attract giant killer bees. SPACE GHOST: (In control room) Well, no bees are gonna get in here. Not in MY airtight fortress. MOLTAR: Yeah, all the windows are cracked open. SPACE GHOST: Hey man, crack a window open! (Laughs) (A giant killer mosquitoid from the old Space Ghost cartoon "Zorak" crashes into the control room floor.) SPACE GHOST: Oh no! (More killer mosquitoids fly through the studio, past Willie, the bear and Zorak) SPACE GHOST: To the creek! (Space Ghost, Zorak and Moltar are standing in a creek in the woods. SPACE GHOST: Let's talk about what went wrong with tonight's show. MOLTAR: (Grunts) SPACE GHOST: Okay, first off, who invited Willie? MOLTAR: You know, I, uh, I left my jacket back there. (While they speak, a shark fin approaches in the water) SPACE GHOST: Moltar, it's gone. Long gone. (Zorak disappears with a splash. Space Ghost looks at Moltar, and looks away) |